YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Sometimes hearing that you are not alone is the greatest feeling in the world. It can be the thing that starts you turning around. But sometimes "I know exactly how you feel" is the absolute worst thing you can hear.

I just want to scream because no you don't. I get that you've had panic attacks too, I get that sometimes you don't feel attractive, I get that sometimes you're nervous or scared or sad, and so am I. And I know that those things feel awful, and I'm so sorry you have to go through that, just like I wish I didn't have to go through that. But I don't know exactly how you feel, because I'm not you, and no two people feel these things the same way. And you don't know exactly how I feel. Because you're not me. And no matter how awful my feelings are, no matter how much I wish they'd go away, they're still mine, and there's something special about that. And I know you're jut trying to show sympathy, and I appreciate that, I really do, but I can't stand they way those 6 words seem to totally invalidate and dismiss me and how I feel in that moment. Don't tell me my pain is common, I can't handle that right now.

Maybe one day I'll get up the balls to say that to the person who needs to hear it. But for now, at least I got it said somehow, somewhere.

One of the things they tell you when you have a friend/family member who finds out they have cancer is to never say "I know how you feel," because unless you have cancer too, well... you don't. I think that also applies to mental illness. Everyone's experiences are different, and there's no shame in wanting to feel your own pain and not want other people to essentially say "well I went through what you're feeling so buck up." I also think you need a hug. *hug*

Your post reminds me of some simple yet powerful lyrics by Trent Reznor: Don't you tell me how I feel, You don't know just how I feel


I understand how frustrating is to share the things that are bothering you and then feel like the other person is invalidating you/dismissing you by diluting the uniqueness of your problems. We all like to feel that we're special, whether it's good or bad. But the problem with shutting out anyone and everyone that tries to relate to you is that you're putting yourself into emotional solitude. I certainly hate when it feels like people are just spouting off cookie-cutter responses to console you, but for the most part, they want to engage with you emotionally. The way I see it, they're trying to connect, they just aren't excellent at it. You don't have to accept their hand if you feel its disingenuous, but you shouldn't rip their heads off for that.

If you want to make clear distinctions that your pain is unique to theirs, you can, but people are only going to put up with that for so long. Once someone realizes that they can't help, they're going to stop associating with you. I've lost a number of friends that way, and I probably still will.

Also, there's a problem when people see their negative/unhealthy thoughts and feelings as unique. When you give your feelings a label like that, you're coveting them in a way. And if you're coveting your negative feelings, you don't necessarily want to rid of them; you want to keep them, because you think they're unique, and therefore make *you* unique. I know I suffer from enjoying holding onto my negative feelings, but perhaps I'm completely wrong trying to assess that with you, and if so, I apologize.