Loneliness Snowballing

[ThaneRising]

I've been feeling like crap lately. There are a number of things that are contributing to it, but right now I want to pinpoint on loneliness, which is probably on the top of that list of reasons.

For the past few days, I haven’t been able to talk to anyone for an extended amount of time (one of my favorite things to do is talk, so it really agitates me when I have no one to talk to about whatever). Now, at face value, that probably doesn't sound like a big deal at all. I get that not everyone’s gonna have the time to talk when I want to, but for each day to go by and for each person who isn’t receptive, my frustration snowballs and it puts me in a worse mood. It feels as though everyone got a memo to ignore me, and I can’t stand being ignored. Then I get even more scornful when I ask “well why the hell is nobody coming to me to hear all of the oh-so-interesting and intricate things I have to talk about? Why do I have to come to them, and then get ignored anyway? What the hell is everyone’s problem?” It’s thoughts like these that happen to me often; thoughts that make me feel like the world is against me and that I am the only ally I will have.

Perhaps it’s because I believe there isn’t a single person I believe genuinely cares about me and that I can 100% trust (but there are still plenty that I’d like to trust), or perhaps it’s just me being grandiose and satisfying myself with thoughts of being a hero in a world of evil. And it’s strange, because I don’t *totally* reject these feelings. It may sound weird, but a part of me could accept the idea that the entire world was against me, because then I could live with certainty that I will be receiving support from no one; only myself. I could stop wasting my time (notice that aforementioned mantra) wondering if there are other people who believe in me, my cause, my well-being, and just focus on myself and making every move based only upon my own personal advancement without regarding anything else. Plus, I would also want to show the world that I am strong enough to live my life with the entire world against me (yes I am being grandiose).

But there’s more of me that can’t accept those thoughts. Though it makes life easier to only think and act in favor of yourself and nobody else, that isn’t what I want- I know there’s a world full of people out there, and I don’t want to be closed off from all of them; I want to interact with them, I want to coexist with them. I am a person with an exceptional ability to connect with others, and I also have an extra helping of compassion and a bleeding heart (though amongst the years, I’ve grown colder from the amount of metaphorical blood lost), so deep down, one of my biggest desires is to help people; and because of that, I can’t simply live a life that revolves only around self-preservation and advancement. I’m also aware that I have friends and people I care about, regardless of the fact that I can’t totally trust them or feel like they don’t care about me as much as I care about them. And since being ignored by my friends is the original matter I was talking about (I’ve gotten pretty off-tangent from that, but that’s how I am; love going down the rabbit hole), I’ll loop back to that.

I don’t have anyone that I can talk to about anything, and obviously if I’m writing about feeling ignored by my friends, then I don’t have anyone that I can talk to whenever. Now, I understand that my friends have lives of their own, and to think that they should drop whatever they’re doing and talk to me would be self-centered (but I do wish they would). I also understand that I am a lot to handle. Being as intense and as emotionally complex as I am, I’ve learned over the years that I can’t completely lean on my friends for support for as long as I feel- it’s too much for them to handle. After losing a number of friends from demanding and imposing their support over the years, I’m aware that people have their breaking points, so I try to be more tentative when it comes to asking for support from them, which makes for some complicated friendships. For the people I consider myself good friends with, I find myself being careful about how much I lean on them, and then making sure I give them a break, in order to not to strain or break my friendship with them. But in doing this, a part of me gets frustrated that those friendships are slanted because my friends can lean on me with everything they got and I would deliver (at least I claim I would), but I can’t get the same from them. But just like I learned that people have breaking points, I also learned that I am exceptional at giving people emotional support, and I shouldn’t expect everyone else I know to be able to do what I can do because they’re not as capable. A lot of people really aren’t that good at connecting with other people, and due to my emotional complexities, it would take a very strong person to be able to handle me without having a break or faltering. And I just haven’t found someone else like that, which also makes me feel pretty damn lonely. But even for my friends that aren’t capable of thoroughly helping me out, I still wish they can have the consideration every time to listen to me give me the attention I want when I ask for it. I’m someone who can be delighted from a few good-hearted gestures. I’m also someone who can be angered by a few bad gestures, such as… being ignored.

And now I’ve gone full circle, here. I think that just about covers why I’m feeling lonely right now (and why I'll feel alone in the future).

[weary]

Hi Thane -

There's a lot that you wrote that I could have written myself (but not as eloquently).

It can be painful to try to put yourself out there and make connections and have them rebuffed or rejected. And then it becomes a reinforcing cycle - that it is more anxiety-provoking to try, so you try less frequently...

Its hard feeling like you have to be the one that is emotionally there for other people but you can't ask for reciprocation.

For me (and it sounds like maybe for you), a lot of it comes from feeling bad about myself. Feeling unworthy of connection. Feeling afraid that if I show the true me to people it will be rejected. Feeling selfish or demanding for making it about me and my feelings. I'm trying to challenge those automatic feelings/assumptions that I have like the ones you wrote (nobody genuinely cares about me, I can't trust anyone completely, etc). This board has been helpful in testing those assumptions, and so has going to group therapy. You're not the only one that feels this way.

[weary]

I should add that I feel lonely even in close relationships, which is confusing and painful.

My wife and I spend a lot of time together. Too much time, probably. Sometimes it is nice, and sometimes it is really painful and horrible. Sometimes we are together and I want her to leave me the fuck alone at the same time that I am painfully lonely, which doesn't make sense to me.

I also have a lot of work relationships, and friendships/acquaintanceships (is that a word?) where I can spend time with people and still feel incredibly lonely - because I feel like I am being "fake me" and not "real me". As I get to be closer with a person, there are more layers of the onion that get peeled away to the core that is "real me", but even with my closest relationships, there are still those parts that are too scary to reveal, and that leads to feeling unacceptable, unaccepted and lonely.

[oak]

You are welcome to share/talk in this forum! If you have something to say, I hope you feel safe enough perhaps to even write about it in this thread; in fact, I am glad to see you sharing your thoughts here!

As far as advice, I don't have any since I often struggle with many of the same issues you do.

Still, remember: you are not alone.

[ThaneRising]

Weary-

Oh man, do I have a lot of things to add to your response.

When it comes to the idea of not being able to connect with other people, I seem to be on the opposite side of the spectrum from you. You’ve said that you feel bad about yourself and unworthy of connection; these statements are bound to the idea that you are the problem. I, on the other hand, place the problem on everybody else. To paint a picture: you seem to dig yourself a hole below everybody else and say “I can’t connect with people because I’m down here and they’re all up there”; whereas I build myself a pedestal and tower above everyone and say “I can’t connect with people because I’m up here and they’re all down there.” The obvious similarity is that we’re both not on the same level as everybody else, and we both face a lot of rejection for it. But I know that for the more and more rejection I was subjected to, the higher I built my pedestal, and I think now it’s a pre-emptive coping mechanism for rejection. On my pedestal, I can be the one to reject people, and I can be the one who says “you’re not good enough.” And I’ll write about it again later in this post that deep down I would rather connect with people than spit upon them from high above, but after much of the rejection I have faced, there’s definitely a part of me that really enjoys my pedestal.

But even without the pedestal, I do feel more often than not that if I can’t connect with people, it’s not my fault; it’s *their* fault. As I mentioned in my original post, I am aware that I have an exceptional ability to emotionally connect with others, and because of this, I conclude that if there happens to be any connection troubles, they’re coming from the other side. And they are. But what I don’t equate (and I don’t like to equate) is the fact that while it’s easy for me to connect with someone, it is definitely tough for someone to connect with me. I am a pretty inaccessible person- I’m intense, I’m deep, I’m critical of a lot of things, and I like to avoid labels/groups as best I can and associate with as very little as I can. I strive to be individual; a part of this is intrinsic in me (I’ve never liked to go with the herd or follow the trends), and I believe at this point, a part of this is another coping mechanism for rejection. If someone rejects me, I can just tell myself “oh, well they just didn’t appreciate me for being an individual. And I hate them anyways because they like [insert popular thing here]”

While I agree that it’s painful and discouraging when more and more people are unable to understand and connect with the deeper side of oneself, it doesn’t necessarily stop me in my tracks from opening myself up. I understand that I have to release the pressure valves of my mind every so often, but as I’ve grown up, I’ve been trying to find a way to do that’s easier to handle for other people as opposed to how I used to be, which could be compared to a rampaging, bucking bull. I’ve learned that when I blatantly spill the inner thoughts and feelings I harbor, it oftentimes freaks people out. So I try to be tamer about it.

When you mentioned how you have work friends and acquaintances that you feel the need to be the “fake you” around, I can relate, but I don’t like the terminology. I have a lot of different sides to me, and I think each person that experiences me gets something different. Sometimes I’m quiet and dry, sometimes I’m unbearably outgoing, sometimes I’m well-composed and elegant, and sometimes I just can’t help but be an awkward fool. All of these sides of me are real parts of me, but none of them are exclusive. And I don’t think you should label the way you are around your work friends/acquaintances as “the fake you” because if that’s the way you can be around some people, then it’s a genuine part of you, right? But I understand how you can feel like you can’t reveal how you feel deep down to those people, and I experience the same. I’m not totally afraid of having people know who I am deep down inside. However, there are times where I know I have to ease up on sharing my true & unfiltered feelings, because they’re usually negative. And I know that if you come off as being incapable of being anything besides negative, people are going to distance themselves from you because they don’t want to deal with it, or worse, stop associating with you because they think you’re a lost cause. There are some people who think I’m simply a strong, aloof and brilliant person, and while that’s true to an extent (that’s certainly a couple out of many sides of me), they don’t know how much difficulty I have with my own vices. And sometimes, you just need that image to be seen by some people- kinda like how parents want their children to see them as great people, and not see their faults. So for those people that seem to see me in that kind of light, I would keep them in the dark from my inner thoughts and feelings- I would be afraid of destroying that flattering view they have of me.

Although it feels great to have someone see for only your good characteristics and not your bad ones, I would enjoy someone knowing all about me, because like you said, it feels great to have someone know the “true you.” I don’t just want them to know the true me; I want them to WANT to know the true me. I wish I had someone who was willing to explore every inch of me, what I stand for, what I stand against, and what makes me tick- that’s probably one of my biggest fantasies. I start to have a problem when the person I’m opening up to is not doing the same amount of sharing with me- I can’t stand the imbalance. Yet, the most ideal balance for a situation like that is so fucking screwy with me. There are times where I really enjoy when someone’s telling me about themselves. I like that it’s a show of faith in that they can trust me, but then I reach a point where I’m like, “when do you want to know about me? Why don’t you want to know about me? Are you the only thing you want to talk about?” and I get angry that I’m not being focused on. I love to talk about myself, but then I reach a point where I’m like, “why won’t you share anything as personal about yourself? Am I not good enough to know? Have I not earned the right to know?”

As for asking for reciprocation when you help people… yeah, I’m guilty on hundreds of charges of that. When I was a teen and helping friends with their stupid Degrassi-esque problems, I felt good that I was playing a role in my friends’ lives, and playing it really well. But then I hit the point where I thought, “I’m feeling like shit too. Why aren’t they reaching out to me? Why can’t they help me like I helped them?” And if they weren’t offering the help I was offering them, then I would just impose it upon them. There have been times where I would help someone out and then immediately bring up my problems afterwards for them to return the favor, like it was some sort of barter. And if they weren’t up to the (very daunting) task of helping me, or they weren’t helping me to a degree that I was satisfied with, I would bring up how much I helped them in a way to guilt-trip them. Thinking back on it, I was basically acting like a loanshark. And I still have habits of thinking that way.

But when I did learn that I would never get what I wanted if I kept up with those crude methods, I stopped. In fact, I tried to stop helping everyone altogether. I told myself that if people weren’t gonna help me, then they didn’t deserve my help, so I tried to retire myself from being people’s emotional support. The funniest part of all of this is the idea of “trying to stop helping people”; as if it was against my nature to just not engage in helping someone who was feeling like shit. If not helping people is essentially doing nothing, how hard can that be? Well, turns out it was against my nature. I didn’t feel any better keeping my powers to myself. To see someone who was voicing their pain and hold myself back from doing something about it as a matter of principle, it was like trying to keep myself from blinking, it just hurt. And even when I would think about that principle, “don’t help anyone anymore because they won’t help you,” it eventually crumbled because when I’d see people feeling miserable, I would only think “shit, I know how it feels to be miserable and have no one come to help you.” So I just had to give in to what I wanted to do.

I’m not going to stop helping people, but I can’t help but feel spiteful at times when people won’t help me the way I help them. That's something I still struggle with.