Bittersweet...

[a_schoe]

I've been living in England for the past year and it's not been perfect. I've not made the friends I've wanted. I've not gotten the jobs I wanted. I wanted to find a girlfriend, but I could barely maintain a second conversation long enough to make anyone interested in me as a friend, let alone a romantic possibility. But what's been good has been completely amazing and it's something that I've wanted and I've loved it. But I have to go home in a week. That ticket was bought two years ago and it's not getting changed. But I'm so nervous about what 'home' is going to be like when I get there. The last time I was there was Christmas and everything was in shambles and I'm from a family that doesn't talk about its feelings. I'm sure you guys know what that's like. Where you confront someone honestly and healthily and you're met either with denial or pointed ignorance. I feel like I'm going to be stepping into a minefield. And I don't want to leave England, because I finally made it here. But I want to go home because there are a few more things I need to do before I can graduate and really move on. But I don't want to be stuck at home. I have no physical outlet--except for maybe a bus or a bike and a coffee shop. It's all internal, or private, or whatever writing and drawing can be.

And my family keeps making plans for me for when I get back. And a lot of it is stuff I actually want to do. Like visit my father's grave or see my grandmother. But some of it is just stuff I'm dreading. Like my 21st birthday party. God, don't get me started on how I'm feeling about my 21st birthday. And again...I don't know what I'm walking into. Is my mom going to act her age? Is my sister going to be relaxed? Are they going to be secretly trying to kill each other but pretending that absolutely is nothing wrong "for the kids"? I just...I don't know and I'm kinda scared and I just want to graduate and stay here.

[oak]

Hugs!

Ah yes, the old bottle-feelings-"for the kids".

Of course, children are perceptive geniuses, and I long for the day when we can be honest about our feelings in front of them! They deserve it.

I can't offer any advice or suggestions, but I send encouragement. Hang in there.