too damn old to be feeling this way

[DemureEccentric]

I had to leave work today because I "went limbic" while IM-ing with someone who pisses me off. When I say I went limbic, I mean that I got so angry that I couldn't see for a few seconds. My psychiatrist tells me that that is what happens when our limbic system overwhelms our ability to reason and think.

That alone wasn't enough to cause me to leave work. I've had that before. I had to get out of the building before I yelled at someone, so I went for a walk around the block. I started crying and the tears wouldn't stop. I work in an office with a lot of women, so that would definitely get noticed. I knew I needed help to calm down, but I was still groggy from the Ativan that I took last night in order to put the breaks on a spiral of anger and wanting to cut myself.

I texted my psychiatrist and told him what was going on. He agreed that leaving work was the best course of action and told me to take a higher dose of Zoloft. He told me to take as much time off as I needed and to not try to work through this. He's not normally one to endorse taking time off work -- he's usually the first one to tell me to get to work. I'm so ashamed. We're going through a corporate reorg right now and I am concerned about the outcome, and it's freaking me the fuck out for reasons I don't understand. I'm so embarrassed that I'm responding this way and I don't know how to explain it to my husband.

Some context: I'm 38 years old and have a professional job. I make really good money and live in a wealthy suburb. I am now married to a man who is beyond awesome and is extremely patient and gentle with me. I feel like I don't deserve him. We just bought a house that is modest but still nicer than anything that either of us had growing up. We both feel amazingly lucky to have found each other and to have the life that we have. I feel horrible that he has to deal with me.

It hasn't come easily. I dropped out of high school and later put myself through college while married to an abusive man. I've worked really, really hard -- both at work, and on myself in order to stop being afraid of everyone. But inside me is still a feral cat who thinks everyone is a threat. She stays out of the way most of the time, but when she thinks she's being provoked she can be very, very destructive, even to herself.

When I was 25 and dealing with issues like this, I think I thought it was because I was young. I never imagined that when I was in my late 30s, materially comfortable, with an awesome spouse, that I'd still be trying to soothe and tame this terrified feral cat in my head.

[duck1]

Hi DemureEccentric,

I really related to this incident. I am 34

In my previous job, one of my bosses pushed my "limbic" buttons in almost every interaction we had. His constant critism, "feedback", comments all seemd unfair, mean, invalid and wrong.

He was very cheuvinstic and belitteling and I didn't have much respect for him (didn't think he was out of the ordinary talented or smart).

I described him as a baboon to my pscyholigst.

I alternated from swallowing the insult and feeling horrible to trying to be assertive and then it escalted to aggression (raising my voice), and then feeling horrible for losing it. I also had a fear from him. When I passed in the hall by his room I was just scared that he would call my name, than give apropo nothing some poorly defined task, or reprimind me.

Eventually I got fired from that place, which felt very bad for a long time.

Today I work in a very different environment, in the departments I work it is alomost only women, and they all seem to me to be kind, non-judgmental, matter of fact, not so much ego.

Are the "limbic buttons" still there? I don't know its hard to say, didn't have many confrontations.

I can tell you this- I went to an excellent cognitive psychologist who helped me in general in somewhat controllings my feelings, or at least dulling them a little by changing my thinking and evaluating situations differently.
If I can sum up what he hase given me- it is the feeling that I have more wiggle room in my life.

David Burns books helped me a lot in acquiring the cognitive psychology tools.

I also think that you must have gone a long way, to get yourself an education in hard circumstances, find a wonderful husband and get a good job despite your senstitivity. You must be strong.
I don't know if this is any help to you, but I had a need to share with you my experiences.

[DemureEccentric]

Thanks duck1, that does help to feel that I'm not alone.

[weary]

That "feral cat" sounds like a scared little girl inside you that you seem like you are doing a good job parenting. You are showing a lot of insight in recognizing when your limbic brain gets triggered and having the wherewithal to withdraw from the situation and compassionately give yourself the space and support you need to collect yourself. I hate when those primal feelings of panic or rage or hurt erupt, and I understand how hard it is to continue to function like a normal human being in those moments.

it's freaking me the fuck out for reasons I don't understand. I'm so embarrassed that I'm responding this way and I don't know how to explain it to my husband.

Maybe start by just telling him that - it's freaking you out, you don't understand completely why, and you're embarassed. Just tell him how you feel - scared, out of control, embarrassed. You don't need to explain it, just identify and express the feelings. The way you describe him, that will be a valuable connection that he can respond to.

When I was 25 and dealing with issues like this, I think I thought it was because I was young. I never imagined that when I was in my late 30s, materially comfortable, with an awesome spouse, that I'd still be trying to soothe and tame this terrified feral cat in my head.

For me it's gotten worse in my late 30s (now 40). In my 20s I thought I had a grip on things but I just really was fooling myself and my wife and everybody around me. Now I acknowledge and understand my problems more, but they are even more painful and difficult sometimes. I would suspect that you have evolved in some way since then, too. You haven't reached the end of your journey, but you are probably dealing with different triggers and trying to soothe things in a different way than when you were younger.

Please be kind to yourself and take care, DemureEccentric.