too damn old to be feeling this way
Posted: June 10th, 2013, 7:49 am
I had to leave work today because I "went limbic" while IM-ing with someone who pisses me off. When I say I went limbic, I mean that I got so angry that I couldn't see for a few seconds. My psychiatrist tells me that that is what happens when our limbic system overwhelms our ability to reason and think.
That alone wasn't enough to cause me to leave work. I've had that before. I had to get out of the building before I yelled at someone, so I went for a walk around the block. I started crying and the tears wouldn't stop. I work in an office with a lot of women, so that would definitely get noticed. I knew I needed help to calm down, but I was still groggy from the Ativan that I took last night in order to put the breaks on a spiral of anger and wanting to cut myself.
I texted my psychiatrist and told him what was going on. He agreed that leaving work was the best course of action and told me to take a higher dose of Zoloft. He told me to take as much time off as I needed and to not try to work through this. He's not normally one to endorse taking time off work -- he's usually the first one to tell me to get to work. I'm so ashamed. We're going through a corporate reorg right now and I am concerned about the outcome, and it's freaking me the fuck out for reasons I don't understand. I'm so embarrassed that I'm responding this way and I don't know how to explain it to my husband.
Some context: I'm 38 years old and have a professional job. I make really good money and live in a wealthy suburb. I am now married to a man who is beyond awesome and is extremely patient and gentle with me. I feel like I don't deserve him. We just bought a house that is modest but still nicer than anything that either of us had growing up. We both feel amazingly lucky to have found each other and to have the life that we have. I feel horrible that he has to deal with me.
It hasn't come easily. I dropped out of high school and later put myself through college while married to an abusive man. I've worked really, really hard -- both at work, and on myself in order to stop being afraid of everyone. But inside me is still a feral cat who thinks everyone is a threat. She stays out of the way most of the time, but when she thinks she's being provoked she can be very, very destructive, even to herself.
When I was 25 and dealing with issues like this, I think I thought it was because I was young. I never imagined that when I was in my late 30s, materially comfortable, with an awesome spouse, that I'd still be trying to soothe and tame this terrified feral cat in my head.
That alone wasn't enough to cause me to leave work. I've had that before. I had to get out of the building before I yelled at someone, so I went for a walk around the block. I started crying and the tears wouldn't stop. I work in an office with a lot of women, so that would definitely get noticed. I knew I needed help to calm down, but I was still groggy from the Ativan that I took last night in order to put the breaks on a spiral of anger and wanting to cut myself.
I texted my psychiatrist and told him what was going on. He agreed that leaving work was the best course of action and told me to take a higher dose of Zoloft. He told me to take as much time off as I needed and to not try to work through this. He's not normally one to endorse taking time off work -- he's usually the first one to tell me to get to work. I'm so ashamed. We're going through a corporate reorg right now and I am concerned about the outcome, and it's freaking me the fuck out for reasons I don't understand. I'm so embarrassed that I'm responding this way and I don't know how to explain it to my husband.
Some context: I'm 38 years old and have a professional job. I make really good money and live in a wealthy suburb. I am now married to a man who is beyond awesome and is extremely patient and gentle with me. I feel like I don't deserve him. We just bought a house that is modest but still nicer than anything that either of us had growing up. We both feel amazingly lucky to have found each other and to have the life that we have. I feel horrible that he has to deal with me.
It hasn't come easily. I dropped out of high school and later put myself through college while married to an abusive man. I've worked really, really hard -- both at work, and on myself in order to stop being afraid of everyone. But inside me is still a feral cat who thinks everyone is a threat. She stays out of the way most of the time, but when she thinks she's being provoked she can be very, very destructive, even to herself.
When I was 25 and dealing with issues like this, I think I thought it was because I was young. I never imagined that when I was in my late 30s, materially comfortable, with an awesome spouse, that I'd still be trying to soothe and tame this terrified feral cat in my head.
