YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Even as a 40-year old supposed grown-up, I have serious issues with my father. After my relationship with him was already growing distant, he up and left my mother abruptly about seven years ago and became really nasty and evil to her. Apparently he has hooked up with his brother's widow (i.e. his sister in law; my aunt), although he refuses to cop to this and says they are just friends. He has destroyed and devastated my mother through a long, drawn out five-year divorce. He alienated his own parents to the point that my grandfather disinherited him and (unbeknownst to me) made me his power of attorney, health care proxy and executor. After my grandmother had a stroke and my grandfather's dementia got out of hand, that meant that I was legally responsible for handing their care from two states away (while my marriage, career and sense of self just crashed and burned in the process). From 2000-2012 I was dealing with my grandparents, first in life, then as they both passed away, and I had to deal with my father (1) trying to get my grandfather (with Alzheimer's) to change his will and trust to un-disinherit my father after my grandmother died (bringing his lawyer to my grandfather's house and kicking out his aides, and doing all of it behind my back and lying to me about it and (2) then challenging the will after my grandfather died and doing other things to hold up the administration of the will and the trust. And both my parents had cancer and multiple surgeries while all of this was going on (yay!). And I haven't communicated with my father (except through lawyers) in over a year.

On top of that, thanks to my therapist, my therapy group, and my own reading and trying to work out the shit in my head, I realize that my father did a lot to fuck me up in terms of why I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough, why I am a perfectionist and a conflict avoider and I feel like there are all of these rules that I have to follow and things are supposed to be a certain way. So here I am. Happy fuckin' Father's Day.

Hugs and brotherly love.

...Wow. That's quite the load to carry. I'm glad you are getting opportunities to unpack what you were saddled with, and to move towards healing and closure on your own terms. Some of your other struggles you've mentioned make some sense. I know when it comes to my issues with my mom, I'm becoming fairly convinced that it will never be "over" and done with for me, even if she dies or if I'm close to checking out. So much of who she is, for so long, has required her to pointedly ignore my potential as a whole, real person. That's just self-serving and sad, and impossible to ever make right. The only way out is through, to a place where that fact becomes bearable in comparison to the other things I have. There might be something along those lines for you.

Some black humour, perhaps?

Wow, that is.. intense to say the least. It sounds like your dad and my dad could be BFFs, so I feel for you. I know we can't expect anyone to change, but I hope with your support group and working on yourself that you can get passed it somehow.

Raising a father's day glass to useless "fathers".

Also, SmartCookie, that card is priceless, haha.