I feel incredibly sad right now.

[Leebeeboo]

It's Father's Day, and never got to talk to my Dad. I am fortunate, because I have a father that I adore. He's not perfect, he's human. He isn't expressive with his emotions, but I know he loves me. He did his best to shield me from my mother's nastiness, though in the last decade, I've seen her wear him down.

My mother acts as gatekeeper to my father a lot of the time. She will hold on to his cell phone so that we have to talk to her in order to get to him. He worked a 12 hour shift today, so my window to talk to him was very small. I had from about 6:30 CT until about 7:30 CT, and when I called, there was no answer. I don't know whether she had the phone or if he wasn't near it. I left a message. I never got a call back. She may have his phone, and I feel like shit for not being able to talk to my father on Father's Day.

I sent him a text message telling him that I loved him, I miss him. I haven't seen him since 2/18, the day I left my home state for Texas, half a country away. I sobbed uncontrollably when I said goodbye, and writing that text started that pain all over again. This isn't the first Father's Day I've spent without him, but even the year he was in England I didn't feel this acutely far from him. He's getting older. He has health problems. I worry about him, and in my ideal vision of life, I'd pluck him away from my mother and her destruction, and just have him live with me so I can be sure he's eating right and following doctors orders.

I took a sleeping pill a few minutes ago, because I know if I don't I will be up all night sobbing. I just want to hug my Dad right now.

[weary]

That sounds really, really hard. I'm sorry.

I'm sure that your father felt loved when he heard your voice mail and read your text message. Sometimes that one-way, taking-turns sort of communication is the best we can do - but you made every effort and you got your message to him. I hope that you get to connect with him soon. You sound very grateful to have him and he is very lucky to have you.

[oak]

Thank you for expressing yourself.

I am glad you posted about this. Hugs