Relieved + disappointed. Mom Problems

[MizLzie]

Hello all, been awhile since I've posted. Stupid life being stupid busy. Something happened this week that I need to share... I called out my mom on her bad behaviour and words she uses against me. I've tried in the past, but this is the first time I said I was done with it.

The story... (apologize for the length)

Was taken on a trip to Hawaii, supposed to be a gift from my mom's husband. I had never been, and she "needed" to go. I posted about this previously that one of the reasons I went was because I was terrified of being viewed as ungrateful. A common word she has used towards me.
So I love photography and I think I have a natural eye for it. My mom agrees. Less than a week after we got back (early March) she started pestering me for my pictures. My HUNDREDS of photos that I needed to sort through. The pictures I didn't want on Facebook and I didn't want to send her the originals since I knew she would post them on her Facebook. As far as I'm concerned, they are my photos and I do have a say in where they go. She also brought in one of her friends to the conversations asking for them. It pissed me off that she would do that, like a witness to my "bad behaviour".

For a few reasons I haven't finished sorting. I've spent about 3 hours on them already, maybe more and I just couldn't get the motivation to sit there for hours going through them the last few months. I also haven't made important Doctor's appointments, taxes, and other things that I need to do, so honestly the pictures didn't matter. I was also being a brat, I recognize that. Every email I received asking for them, resulted in me not caring for another week. My mom "demanding" I send her ALL of them, completely disregarding my wishes. I took the pictures with a camera that was GIVEN to me a few years ago as a xmas GIFT. One that other family members helped with, one that brought me to tears I was so grateful...

So, last week my mom asked again, copying her friend on the email asking for them. This friend also emailed me saying she wanted to see them. (WTF? I don't know this person) Sure my reply probably wasn't the nicest, but I was frustrated. I had also finally admitted to myself that I wasn't happy with a lot of them, I have more talent than those pics would suggest. Again, I recognize part of my laziness regarding the pics was because I was rebelling like a child, I get that. It's tough to not react like a child, when you're treated like one... I also think I was baiting her for the inevitable...

Got the email telling me AGAIN telling me what she thinks of me, what her husband & friend think of me. Same BS I've been hearing since I was a kid...
"I'm totally ashamed of you.
I really thought I'd brought you up better. "

"Which we bought you.(the camera) As well as a $4000 trip.
Not a thank you for the trip. Nothing new."

"We're done"

I've had it. I'm done with this - here is my reply. I'm sharing with you all because I felt so empowered to finally tell her to shut it. Unfortunately it didn't mean shit. In an email to her friend in Hawaii she said "has finally agreed to give me the pix" Too late to teach an old dog new tricks I guess, but I had to put my foot down... at 32... (my sis was bcc'd and called me to give me props - she's had enough of her too)

1) I am done listening to you tell me how you are ashamed of me, how disappointed you are in me, how you brought me up better, how ungrateful I am. I've been hearing these things for more than half of my life. I would explain the damage it has done, but I doubt you would recognize it as such. Just that I was looking for attention. Living your life constantly hearing how much of a disappointment you does a number on your emotional well-being, self esteem and feelings of self worth. I will not tolerate it any more. No more telling me how others think I'm a shitty person. I've had more than 15 years of that from you, I refuse to hear it again.

2) Gifts. it's become apparent that gifts aren't exactly gifts. A camera that was "given" to me years ago, with the help of others from what I recall, doesn't actually belong to me if I interpret your words correctly. Since YOU "gave" me the camera am I forever in your debt? Do I owe you every single photo I have taken since you "gave" it to me? The trip that (HUSBAND) paid for was supposed to be a "gift" as well, from what I was told. Yet, I knew it would be held against me, that it would come up that I was ungrateful in some form or another. Do you know that the only reason I accepted the "gift" was because I was fearful if I declined that I would be seen as ungrateful. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Since gifts are a part of Christmas, I will most likely not be participating this year. I will not play into the manipulative tactics of holding "gifts" against me.

I will be sending you a disc with all the pictures on it so you can sort through them like you wanted. You can use the hour that you expect it to take and do it on your own. I can see how much these photos mean to you, so have them. Have them all. Post them wherever you want, since they don't actually belong to me I don't have an opinion.

The guilt trips and manipulation are not ok. You've been doing this for as long as I can remember and I do not have to tolerate it.

Enjoy the pictures.

[manuel_moe_g]

MizLzie, it is so awesome when somebody sets healthy boundaries!

Gifts. it's become apparent that gifts aren't exactly gifts.

This. Is. The. Best.

All the best to you, cheers!

[oak]

MzLzie! Such a pleasure to see you in the forum.

No need to apologize for a long post. I will enjoy every word. I will offer thoughts as I read.

I like you as much as I hate fakebook.

I especially hate (yes, I said "hate") when folks tag us without asking in photos. This shit comes up to potential employers!

As far as considering yourself a "brat" for not sorting vacation pictures; I kindly disagree

As an adult, you do not owe an explanation for your behavior to anyone.

Now if I can be an ageist jerk for a moment. It is my ageist experience, and I am a jerk, but such is my honest observation:

There is a type of person, often a person of a certain age, who often does recognize the unwritten standards of how often to post on fucking fakebook, and the boundaries of what to post.

That is, they post too often, with a lack of boundaries. Again, employers see this shit.

Thus, there is a generational gap that often alienates and hurts the person of a certain age.

Let's say that I have body image issues, which I do, but only for stupid fucking fakebook. I don't want photos tagged without my permission. Thus, my choice of how I am presented publicly is within my boundary.

Now as far as the camera: surely your mother could have taken her own pictures, correct?

And does fakebook altert us when we are tagged in a photo? (I am not sure.)

In other words, if your mother was so hell bent on getting pictures, she should have taken them herself. When she inevitably tagged you without permission, you could go back and untag.

Of course, shaming quickly becomes a part of all this.

Yay for you for creating some boundaries.

Doing so will make people butthurt, but it is good for them.

[MizLzie]

Thanks for the responses! Yay for boundaries!

@Manuel - so true right? Rarely are gifts given without at least a string attached for so many people and it's such BS. It is not a gift, it is a liability.

@Oak - SO MANY THANK YOUS!
- Yes, if she was so hell bent she should have taken some of her own, I wondered the very same thing...
- You should be able to go into your security settings on FB and check off that "tags" (photos, links, locations) have to be approved. People can still tag, but it won't show up on your page unless you approve it.
- And yes, my mother does have little understanding about how public FB is & how much I don't want to be a part of it. The things she has posted would make most grimace. There was one tirade that involved, "I am the matriarch, thou shalt obey..." I will not be sending her any photos that have me in them, as I do not want them online.

I recognize that I tell people this story so that I can be reassured that I have done the right thing, that I am not a "terrible kid". We speak often on here about how we would never say to a friend the things we say to ourselves, and it's the same with allowing our parents to say those words to us.

I also recognize that I baited my mother, this last year has been an eye opener for me and I wanted to see if things were different. They aren't. Now it's time to hold on those boundaries and cut off her supply. I've slowly built them up over the years, this was a big one.