I've done a lot of work in the past few years and have made tremendous progress but when the shit hits the fan I still sink far, fast.
My first real romantic relationship ended July 4th, minutes before the fireworks started. Which is just the sort of overly dramatic crap that I've come to expect from my life. I had never experienced love before and I'm not young. I'm used to rejection and finally let the walls down enough this time to allow myself feelings, only to be told that things were no longer mutual and that I was no longer sexually desired and should be happy she decided not to "string me along" and fuck other people behind my back. Thanks, I guess. But she really wants to be my friend, because in her words, I'm such an awesome person, that she's tried to hang out with me everyday since the break up. I'm not experienced enough with relationships to understand this and it feels like a game. A game where I get to watch her flirt, fuck and date other people all while still being in love with her and knowing 100% I'm not wanted. Um, what?? I already have a life of social anxiety based on imagined evidence, this could set me back years if I'm not really careful.
Also, the job that I interviewed for the day before the break up, the interview that went better than expected; they finally got back to me this morning to say that actually I'm not qualified in any way for any of the things they need and they couldn't figure a way to fit me into their team. That all the years in grad school don't count for anything in the professional world and that although I've been working over a year professionally in the field, it's not enough. So, while I get to keep the shit job I have now, which requires a 6 hour commute to a boring job, with crap pay, no benefits and terrible working conditions, I still have to crash at my parents on the weekends and never get to see my friends or family. This job pretty much directly contributed to the break up of my relationship. I hate it, I need it, It's not doing anything for my professional development and no one else will take me.
God, this is such a pity party. I've been reaching out to my friends in the past few days and was told I sounded like my old self. My old self was a near suicidal, obese shut in. I've been sliding back into that same old head space, I thought about shooting myself again for the first time in 2 years. It's probably because this is all happening at once and I'm overwhelmed. Clearly. I started drinking and smoking again. I'm scared.
not good enough for anything
Re: not good enough for anything
Hi trying4better.
Wow. That sounds like a lot to deal with all at once. It seems like all of those things have really activated some very yucky thoughts and feelings about yourself. I feel you. I know how hard it is to keep from drowning in feelings of rejection and invalidation and to believe that they mean something about you rather than the person making them, or that it is hopeless. In reading your story, seeing that at some point in the past, you were more depressed (your "old self") and you managed to get to a point where you were no longer feeling that way means that you have the tools and the capacity to do it again. You're describing perfectly understandable reactions to some bad shit in your life. It sounds exhausting and trying. But you sound very aware of it, and I'm really glad that you are reaching out for support here. If you can, try not to beat yourself up if you see yourself slipping into old patterns that you don't want to reenact, but have compassion for yourself. That's how much you are struggling with these new developments in your life, but you also have the capacity to see what's going on, and as your handle suggests, strive for improvement. You are worth it and I believe in you.
Wow. That sounds like a lot to deal with all at once. It seems like all of those things have really activated some very yucky thoughts and feelings about yourself. I feel you. I know how hard it is to keep from drowning in feelings of rejection and invalidation and to believe that they mean something about you rather than the person making them, or that it is hopeless. In reading your story, seeing that at some point in the past, you were more depressed (your "old self") and you managed to get to a point where you were no longer feeling that way means that you have the tools and the capacity to do it again. You're describing perfectly understandable reactions to some bad shit in your life. It sounds exhausting and trying. But you sound very aware of it, and I'm really glad that you are reaching out for support here. If you can, try not to beat yourself up if you see yourself slipping into old patterns that you don't want to reenact, but have compassion for yourself. That's how much you are struggling with these new developments in your life, but you also have the capacity to see what's going on, and as your handle suggests, strive for improvement. You are worth it and I believe in you.