YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm a single woman. I'm 38. I've been single for about 3 years and for the most part it's not that bad. I know all the perks to being unatatched - the freedom, mainly. And I'd much rather be single than in a bad or abusive relationship, but sometimes it really gets me down. I'd like to find someone, but it seems in my area all of the good ones are taken. Even so the fact that men don't really even seem to notice me makes me sad. I don't think I'm ugly, but maybe I am. My last 3 relationships (1st-4 yrs, 2nd-10 yrs, 3rd-5 yrs) I approached them and realized later that they were too clingy. If I wait around this time and hope someone approaches me, I think I'm in for a very long wait. There was an incident today that brought on this bout of sadness:
I set up a stall at the local antiques market on Saturdays. Most of the other vendors are old farts (but very lovely old farts:) ), but there's one guy who seems to be around my age. I didn't think much about him at first, just said hello and made some small talk, but last week he seemed to pay me a bit more interest. He bought an item from me to fix up and today as he came in he noted that he'd indeed fixed it. He came around to my booth and started talking to me a bit more and I learned a bit more about him. As we talked I was making mental notes and thinking that if nothing else he may be a new friend. Like I said before, guys don't normally pay attention to me, so I began thinking that he may be interested. This made me rather exhilerated and happy. We share the same interests, he wasn't bad looking, he was in business with his dad, he was a nice guy, all positive aspects. Well, halfway through the day while we were talking he happened to mention his wife. That immediately sliced a hole through my sails. So he didn't like me in that way. He was just a nice guy. I don't know if he noticed how disappointed I was, but the conversation died down and he walked back to his booth to talk to customers. He didn't come back to talk at all for the rest of the day and I didn't invite it either. This was just a little reminder of how pathetically lonely I am. I can't condemn him for being taken, but I feel almost as if I was made fun of. Am I that needy that the first guy that pays me any attention I'd jump on? I feel so ugly and pathetic right now. I don't like being tricked. It's also a reminder that I seem to have many years ahead of being single and lonely and pathetic and needy and just downright sad

Sorry you feel this way ironhorse. I am one year older than you so I thought I would make a comment. At this age I've not really had any relationships of note. At least you have had some - perhaps there is a bright side to look on - sorry if this doesn't make you feel better.

I'm 32 but have only had a sprinkling of "adult relationships" and I feel the same way. I've approached them, and then I don't want them anymore... Rarely am I approached and those very few I am not remotely attracted to. I have (mostly) broken my patterns and am open to those I may not have been in the past, to increase my chances of someone who is actually good for me. But it requires doing things where I can meet people. Which anxiety and $$ can hamper greatly.

The good ones I have met are almost always in a relationship, or I realize too late and they have moved on to someone else. I have a friend (have had many) who has zero problems in that way and it's really hard for me to be out with her. I've always felt like the ugly and/or fat friend. I've felt lonely for a very long time, knowing I have to initiate and knowing the odds in my age group are pretty slim.

Not that any of this is of any importance to your post except to say, that I think I can really relate. I feel pathetic (though I know I am not) that I haven't had any long term adult relationships. Mainly when people say, "don't worry, you'll find someone".

Hugs!

As someone on the other side of the same coin (a single dude), I identify with much of what you wrote. I feel for you.

May I offer some thoughts?

Age is just a number, and 38 year olds can be some sexy mofos! (I am 37 myself.)

I am actually proud of women who approach me (ie invite me out). I encourage women to invite me out on a date, but they have to be willing to risk rejection.

(Speaking of rejection, yesterday I screwed up the courage to invite someone out. I had met her a few times, and saw perhaps a little interest, a little flirting perhaps. I invited her out for sushi, and she looked horrified. It turns out she hates sushi, but of course my invitation for sushi had nothing to do with sushi. Gelato would have been an equally good excuse, or just people-watching. What I wanted to do was spend time with her, and her look of horror at the surface communication was like a deep rejection of me.

Ahhh, that sucks about the fellow having a wife. I feel for you.

Though this is small, cold comfort, please know the old saying is true: "what you are seeking is seeking you".

In fact, I wrote a soul-baring post about the guy trying harder to meet the woman here:

http://mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=43&t=7815


Hang in there. I wish you well.

Thank you all for your replies. 'Gfyself', you're right about being thankful that I've actually had relationships. And I am! Thanks for reminding me! I wish you luck in finding someone too.'Oak", I LOVE sushi!....I know that there has to be someone out there for me, as I have (I hope) many years ahead. This silly little incident just put me in a funk. You guys can relate, how little things can throw you off kilter for sometimes weeks. Just knowing you all are out there makes me feel better!