YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm struggling today. I'm having a hard time even getting the words out. I need to vent in the worst way. In some ways, I have had a good week, but I don't feel good. I feel hopeless. Discouraged. Guity. Ashamed. Angry. Resentful, Really fucking sad. REALLY fucking anxious. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Like nothing I do makes a difference. That my thoughts and feelings are not important to anyone else. That I am never going to get what I want.

I feel like a failure. I feel so fucking alone, even though I have a wife who loves me and seems like she wants to spend every waking moment with me.

I feel like a liar. I feel so inauthentic. I feel like I have so many strong feelings surging through me that I label and judge as wrong or inappropriate. And I can't be honest about my feelings with anyone.

I can't honestly talk to my wife about how angry and frustrated and resentful and hurt and disappointed I am with her for fear of hurting her and triggering an argument that I will lose and end up feeling even more guilty, ashamed and worthless afterwards.

I can't honestly tell my therapist how fucking broken I really am - I feel like somehow, even though I'm not trying to do it, my automatic ability to seem like I have my shit together that I use to function every day kicks in when I'm with my therapist or in group and I come off as much less of a mess than I actually feel. I have broken down in therapy or in group. But I'm really angry at my therapist for cancelling two appointments this month, which means I am going from mid-June to late August with no individual appointments. I feel like I could just vent for two hours a week without making any progress. I like my therapist - of all of the therapists I have seen, he has helped me the most in terms of getting at the root of my problems - the thoughts and behaviors at my core that I need to fix. But it feels fucking hopeless. At this rate I will never be fixed. My wife will never be fixed. My life is being pissed away.

I have two friends right now that I feel fairly close to - they are friends from my support group and I hang out with them occasionally and text them often. They are both struggling too, and it feels good to support them and be supported by them. But I have a serious crush on one of them, and I can't be honest about that feeling with her or with my wife or anyone. It feels wrong. But I need this friendship and this connection right now. I need all of the competent help and support that I need. But it is another source of internal conflict, of guilt, of shame, of worthlessness and hopelessness.

No one person understands everything I am going through. I don't even understand all of it. It's so relentless. Every fucking direction. I know that the answer is that I just have to find happiness where I am, and be mindful, and learn to be nice to myself and feel good about myself. To make myself a priority. To assign worth and value to my thoughts and feelings and needs and wants and preferences instead of shoving them down and shitting on them and assuming other people will reject me for them. But it's really fucking hard to do that without solid ground under your feet. Without a reliable support system. Without ever feeling really safe, secure or like I fucking belong anywhere. Even in my own home. With my own wife.

My career is falling apart. My family has fallen apart. We will never have kids. We may never own a house. I don't think I will ever even be able to have a semi-clean or organized house as long as I am with my wife.

What's the point? Why keep trying? Why keep fighting? I've never been suicidal and I don't feel that way now. Probably I'm just too much of a coward to ever go that way. But I destroy my life the slow way... I have packed on weight, I am chronically overstressed and sleep deprived, I am not exercising enough. And of course, my failures have made my career and marriage miserable and made it hard to have friends that I can be open and vulnerable with. All of these things are slowly killing me or at the least making my life not worth very much. I'm so fucking tired. I need a break, but I don't think I will ever get one. I'm grateful that this board exists and for all of you out here, but sometimes I feel like I just go on here and whine and it is irritating to everyone else.

Big hug to you.

I am a fucking asshole. I am losing my fucking mind.

I'm so fucking sad and scared and angry but I have to keep it all in. She is so fucking sad and scared and angry and lets it all out, so I have to deal with her shit on top of mine and don't feel like I can get real support for mine. She keeps saying that she wishes she could help but she doesn't do the things that she knows that I need her to do to take care of herself and make life more bearable for me. I was in a bad mood that was made worse by her depression. I tried to share my feelings of pain and fear and shame and it just ended up after time turning into a fight because I said the wrong thing. So we were fighting, crying, and falling apart until 3:30 am. She stayed up all night, until about 10 am. We didn't even fight about anything real. It was all proxy fights about feelings and interpretations and shit.

She got really angry and was telling me my feelings last night, which felt like shit. At one point I told her that I loved her, and she angrily yelled at me "No, You Don't!" Why do I do all of the things that I do? They are meaningless. She doesn't feel loved and she doesn't feel secure. I will never be able to give her what she needs and she will never be able to give me what I need. But somehow, I have to keep trying. I lose these fights because she is stronger and more expressive with her emotions and I am a fucking weakling and coward and I can't say no to people and stand up for myself. And I hate to hurt her. God, I hate to hurt anyone. And she hates to hurt me too, but when she gets angry enough and feels threatened enough that goes out the window. So she wins. But we both lose.

I don't want to be at work today to begin with. I am so tired and so upset. But I don't want to be home. I don't have anywhere that I want to be. Anywhere that I belong. My life is shit. My career is going to be dead soon, my marriage is a source of constant pain, I have nothing good to look forward to ever. I want to give up. I want to sit at home stuffing my face with marshmallows and soda. I want to just stick headphones in my ears and my phone in my face all day every day like my wife does to escape bad feelings and responsibility. I don't care about exercising anymore. I don't care about work anymore. I don't care about anything anymore.

I do love her. Why does she hurt me so much and hurt herself so much? She says I am a blaming person - that I am always looking to find someone to blame. That hurts but it is true. But on the other hand, she is not responsible for and accountable for the consequences of her behaviors. What am I supposed to do? I know that my problems in life are my fault and my responsibility, and to the extent that her shit or anyone else's shit fucks with me it is my fault for letting it. My reactions. My boundaries. My interpretations. My feelings. My fault. I get it. Nobody wants to explain to me how I'm supposed to change that. And how does that get everyone else off the hook for their behavior but I feel like I have to walk on eggshells all the time and if I don't meet expectations or if I do something upsetting to someone else it's my fault too?

I sort of hesitate to write and give you advice, because I don't know if it would be helpful.

I read some of your other posts and I a think I am somewhat like your wife in my messiness.
and my husband is the one who felt that he is doing all the work in the house.

so we made a written list and it says he does -a,b,c
I do d,e,f

I don't know if that is any help.

also, you seem so smart. I am certain that if it doesn't work out in the acedmic route you will be successful elswhere.

Thanks for the kind words, duck1. We have tried for years to make that sort of list. Usually just the process of making a list ends up in a fight - or she gets so anxious and I get so irritated that we stop before it becomes a fight. It takes her forever to do things. And there are things that should be shared responsibilities (e.g. household chores) as well as things that should be just her responsibility (self-care, picking up her clothes, papers, etc.), and she doesn't do or does a lousy job with both categories. I am angry and bitter and resentful. I would do all of the chores and not complain even though it is way more than I should have to do (considering I'm the only one working outside the home and earning money) if she would just fix her schedule, take her medication as directed, shower and get dressed most days and clean up after herself.

If I ask her to do things, either she gets stressed if I give her too many things to do and is afraid that she will "get in trouble" if she doesn't do them all or do them well enough or fast enough. But if I give her all the flexibility she wants and don't make too many requests she just doesn't do them. Two weeks ago I gave her two things to do - put away her clean clothes that I washed and folded, and clear her piles of papers and other junk off the dining room table so that we can eat on it. She put away the clean clothes that weekend (by put away, I mean she moved the folded clothes from the laundry room and piled them on top of other clothes in the bedroom). But I have done laundry since and there are more clean clothes. She just goes into the laundry room to pick out what to wear. As far as the dining room table, over a week ago she asked if it would be OK if she just moved the piles into the spare bedroom so that the dining room was clear and the mess was more consolidated to one room. I said OK, but it led into a big discussion/fight about hiring an organizer to help her figure out how to put her stuff away and her anxiety and shame about having someone come in and judge her... long story short, more than one week later, she still hasn't even consolidated the mess from the table into that other room. In that two weeks, I have gone to the grocery store, cooked dinners, done laundry, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the floors...

Whatever. I need to get it through my thick skull that it will never be an even, balanced marriage. If there are things that I want done I have to do them and I have to fucking get over it. I need to accept that I will never have a clean house, never have kids, never have peace and security and calm if I stay with her. And I need to not fucking care anymore. We're still together because I love her. Because she is my best friend. Because I still believe in her, even though I feel stupid for doing so sometimes. And yet she doesn't feel loved and accuses me of not loving her. And she accuses me of trying to trick her and trap her by asking her to do things so then I can point to it when she doesn't do them as "evidence" that she's unacceptable. She has decided that no matter what she does, she will never be "good enough" for me, and so therefore I think most of the time she just says "fuck it" rather than try. And so it gets cast in the frame of me being unreasonable and having unreasonable expectations, rather than her being unreasonable in what she thinks is acceptable behavior. Whatever. I can't win. I am crazy. She is crazy. I just want it to stop . I just want the fucking pain and fear and sadness to go away.

Re: "Discussing" chores.

This reminds me of a story from early in my career:

I was in charge of residential housing for a group of young men. I discovered the city fire code required twice annual fire drills. It had to get done, or it'd be my ass if there was a fire.

One day I rolled up to some of the guys and said:

"Well, fellas, the fire code says we have to have fire drills twice a year. This is the new reality." I secretly glanced at my watch.

They then went into exhaustive detail of why I was History's Greatest Monster, and a fire drill wasn't necessary for a thousand reasons, and I was jerk. A cruel, heartless jerk. They couldn't believe....

After ten minutes I stopped them, saying:

"You've been complaining about a fire drill for ten minutes. If you had simply agreed to it, we'd have it done already, and you could go on with your lives. Now, we still have to have it. Welcome to the new reality."

I do not exaggerate their response. I could have replied:

1. I was only doing my job
2. I didn't make up the fire code
3. I am trying to reduce the risk of their fiery death

But that would have been wasting my breath to say those words at them.

(Come to think of it, if it makes me a jerk, trying to prevent their fiery death, what kind of relationship is that?)

Similarly, for your situation, weary, in the ten minutes one would have to explain why it is important to put away one's clothes, it could have been completed several times over. The problem with "discussing" is that the original issue remains, and time is still passing. Time that could be spent on more important stuff.

Similarly, for your situation, weary, in the ten minutes one would have to explain why it is important to put away one's clothes, it could have been completed several times over. The problem with "discussing" is that the original issue remains, and time is still passing. Time that could be spent on more important stuff.

That's the point. I usually end up just doing it, because it is easier than trying to convince her to do it, it will take less time for me to do it than it will for her to do it, and we won't end up fighting about it. Or I just don't say anything or do anything and it doesn't get done. Everything is a headache. Everything is a big mountain of a task.

I don't need to explain to her why something is important. Either she thinks it's important enough to do, or she doesn't. If she knows that something is important to me, she can choose to do it or not do it. The problem is, there are so many things that she has dropped the ball on that are important to me, she feels like (1) she can't do it all at once, (2) she wants me to prioritize for her and (3) she wants minimal or no progress to be perpetually acceptable if she is "trying her best", and (4) she doesn't want to "get in trouble" for doing things wrong or not doing things.

She has literally accused me when I have tried to give her a list of needs or a task list in the past of setting her up to fail, of giving her an unreasonable and impossible list of things and wanting them completed in a particular time for the sole purpose of having evidence to document her incompetence and justifying wanting to leave her. So if I don't tell her what I need/want her to do, I'm wrong. If I don't tell her what I need her/want her to do, I'm wrong. I feel like all my needs get negotiated down to wants and all my wants get negotiated down to "can live without"s.

Oh boy do I relate, Weary! I've been lurking on the board for quite a while but feel so frozen to respond to any posts. Much of what you've written resonates with me. Although our worlds are different, when I read what you have to say, I feel an odd excitement. Yes! That's what I'm trying to say but can't with words. Big embrace to you. I wish I could give back the comfort to you, that you've given to me.