YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I feel not great. A lot of negative thoughts cycling through my head. A lot of the SAME negative thoughts as a matter of fact. My brain likes to keep itself occupied with the past and the future, so that I don't have to acknowledge the present... even though there is nothing bad happening at this moment.

I always feel like its only a matter of time before the next anchor drops on me, so no need to get my hopes up or think about something that could be fun or think about how I might make a real life connection with others.

I read this quote earlier tonight that said "Don't be your own undertaker"... well that's what I feel like I'm doing... preparing myself for death... or at least just trying to suffer the fewest possible indignities before I die.

I am 39 and haven't got any close friends or a relationship, and really a number of acquaintances that I could count on one hand. I just had four days off and spoke to nobody, oh except once a couple minute chat with the owner of a restaurant that I go to frequently. That's pretty sad.

Sometimes I feel ok during the week when I am at work and have something to focus on. But on the weekends I just want to crawl into the fetal position and not talk to anyone just so I don't have to add to the shit that's cycling in my head. I don't really want to speak with anyone.

This week I'm going to really just try to think in 15 minute increments, try to not worry about stuff, just put one foot in front of the other and get through the week.

I feel though that this is what my life is like, just a weigh station between birth and death... a birth I didn't even ask for.

That's enough of this shit for now.

gf!

I don't have any advice or suggestions or answers, but I do send hugs.

I have no idea why you have been given a life, but I am glad you are.

Sorry you're feeling stuck. I know the feeling well, and it sucks.
I'm glad that you still are having ok moments during the work week, and I respect and admire you for being vulnerable on here as well as making a plan to get yourself through the week 15 minutes at a time. I hope you can find some amount of satisfaction and fun (even little things) in the near future, and some peace and solace from the negative thoughts.

It is so tough to stop that negative cycle once it starts. You said you feel better at work because you're distracted, so are there any things you can do at home that could fill your mind? Maybe your brain is craving stimulation and the negative thoughts are the only place it is accustomed to going? Just a thought. Either way, sending you big hugs!

Hi everyone,
Thanks for the replies.
Feeling better today, it was busy, also I got some exercise which seems to be more important than ever to reduce physical sensations of stress - makes my whole body more relaxed.

Good for you for exercising! It is indeed very important and I know for me, it always seems like I have a gazillion and one reasons not to do it... and then when I finally do I wonder why I put so much energy into stalling.

Hope you are holding up OK.

SC

Thanks SmartCookie!

Yesterday I was feeling low but today I do feel somewhat better. Went for a run this morning which always helps.

Also, one of the things I've been working on / discussing with my therapist is basically engaging people in public. Focusing on attractive women, but not limited to them. I find it hard to initiate even the simplest of conversations in public unless there is a specific reason to do so. Anyhow I was eating brunch today at a cafe. Was sitting on the long bar looking out the front window. About half way through eating this attractive woman comes up and sits at the same bar on the other side. Then my mind went into overdrive:
This is what me and my therapist have been talking about
Why can't you say hi to her or at least smile
Even if I do say hi it will be with such a scowl on my face due to nervousness.
etc.
One of the things that we've been discussing in therapy is this idea that I have so many expectations when I get into a conversation with an attractive woman because I have so much of a need or desparation to connect. Like if I can't marry her or have sex with her or have her go out on a date with me due to this random conversation I"m having with her in public.
Anyhow, I decided that I could ask her for the time. After 10 minutes of hemming and hawing I actually did it!
It is a very small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

The other thing that I'm thinking now is I'm thinking I should do some work (eg. extra work on the weekend, to get a head for the week). I'm at the point where it feels like doing work on the weekend or outside of work hours is like putting nails in my coffin (that's the feeling). So whereas I used to do work on weekend more willingly - its less so now - and when I finally actually get to doing it - it all has to be more miserable than it needs to be. There is a lot more to this but I think I want to stop typing now.

Wondering if anyone has any thoughts or feelings on the above.

Thanks.

Hi gfyourself.

I've been trying to run and work out ore often too, I'm glad it's helping you. There is a threshold I need to get past to make it feel better/easier/more routine, and I think I have crossed it.

Good job talking to the woman. Social anxiety sucks. That was a great first step you took. I've always been one of those people that when I pass someone in the hall or on the street that I don't really know, I sometimes look away or at the most just nod. But I'm trying to get in the habit if looking at them and saying hi. I think those little things (even asking for the time) can be powerful confidence builders.

I have a love/hate relationship with extra work. Sometimes it feels necessary, but other times I let it take over. Are you a procrastinator/perfectionist? I have those tendencies, and to the extent that I am trying to work on them, it can help me try to keep work tasks from expanding to take longer than they need to. I am also trying to make sure I carve out time in the evenings and weekends (even if I am doing extra work) to relax and to try to make that sacred time that cannot be infringed upon. You know, trying to put my own needs first and trying to put work in its proper place in life's priorities.

Best wishes to you and I'm glad you're getting on top of some things.