YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So I finally started seeing a therapist recently (go me!) but three sessions into it I started to feel like I was draining her with my bullshit, my laziness, my whininess, my inconsistency, my unwillingness to "do the work" (even though that's a self-created self-assessment of sorts). Even though she said during both our first and second sessions that I don't have to worry about "taking care of her", talking to somebody without trying to "take care of them" is just not something that I know how to do anymore, therapist or no. The third time that I saw her, I was frustrated by my inability to NOT take her into consideration when I had something that I wanted to say or felt I needed to share. This could be due to any number of reasons. But it just seems like no matter that I choose to believe, I can't feel my way into believing that what she says is true. There is just no way. It feels impossible and I know it in my heart.

How I feel is, the perfection in "taking care of people" and coming off as the mature ,good guy IS adulthood. And there was never a better time than now (late-20s) to finally become that responsible adult. What a bunch of bullshit.

If this is a recent endeavor, it's understandable. Your problems and emotional turmoil will come out full force and often people get worse before they get better - when you're forced to face your problems, after careful years of hiding and adapting so you can function, it can be very hard to deal with. It won't happen right away.

Many tend to take care of others to avoid admitting they have needs...and just by reading this, I pick up on you having the same issue. Admitting you have needs feels like admitting failure, like you're broken and flawed, and it's not something you want to face. No one does. It may also be your way of obtaining that sense of personal value - like you're not real until someone needs you. However, these often ceate an unhealthy co-dependent relationship.

Give it more time. They are a trained professional and have that ability to separate themselves emotionally, and if they can't, they'll refer you elsewhere. Remember that.

Wow, it's almost been a year since I posted this thread. Those were incredibly frantic times for me.

I'm relieved to report that I no longer worry about taking care of my therapist. To be specific, I went from worrying about her to not worrying about her, to completely not trusting her at all and breaking therapy, to becoming suicidal and going back to her, and then back to not trusting her. Only recently was I able to believe, in my heart, that she is there and is capable of helping me get better.

I still struggle, almost daily, with severe depression and anxiety. I am still isolated and generally afraid of my feelings. But I have some hope now.

Of course I wouldn't have been able to get to this point without the earnestness and honesty that I displayed in the original post of this thread. Cringe-inducing as it is to read it. That's growth, I guess.