YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I decided a little over a week ago to come out of seclusion and reconnect with a friend. I have some acquaintances at work. I have my son's, who I love dearly, but it seems our relationships are superficial. I am afraid to talk to them about deep subjects. It is awkward for me and them. My bf and I have the deepest relationship, but I know I need to branch out. I need more people in my life. that is one of the reasons I have joined this forum.
Anyway... I made plans to meet up with an old friend who knows me well, knows my stuff, but can be flaky. Which is why I cut her out of my life. Over 3 years ago. I didn't feel the friendship was good for me, I felt it was one sided. She was only available when it was good for her. She has tried to reconnect over the years on occasion. I ignored it, deciding I wasn't going to put myself in a position to get hurt. She flaked on me already! The first time we were supposed to hang out! Un-fucking-believable. I have been kind of nonchalant, knowing I was going to a dry well. It's my fault, I deserve it. How stupid. Etc.

As I write this post, I am beginning to feel very angry, and resentful.

Raggedy

It's hard to accept when you make an effort and others don't. I'm sympathetic, as I keep trying with a former friend because I keep hoping she'll go back to the person she used to be. But that doesn't seem to be happening. But you're not stupid to be hopeful. Don't beat yourself up over it.

angry at whom? your acquaintance? or your self for hoping?
resentful of what?
you tried, you reached out...that is a good first step, now just do it again and again with someone more rewarding to your efforts.

even close friends grow apart and it sounds like you need a real friend, not just the appearance of one
good effort to reach out...that took courage

Herself- I thank you for your reply and support. It's really nice to vent and be validated. I hope you and your friend can move forward, although in my experience I have had many friends whose lives have went in unexpected directions. We still care for each other, but are distant. I am happy we have accepted this through the years, but I know how it is to miss what was.

Cinnamon- Very insightful and thoughtful questions. I appreciate that. I was angry with her, for letting me down with the same old bs. When I replied to her attempts to reach out, we talked about isolation, but didn't get into what happened with us. My anger and resentment stemmed from the fact that she fell off at our very first attempt to get together. That she took it so incredibly lightly. I have been thinking about it more, and worked through it, or maybe stuffed it. I don't know the difference to be honest. I realize in thinking about your questions, and it occurred to me that my relationship with her resembles my relationship with my mother. That is probably why my feelings were so strong at the time. Thanks again for your support and even though I have trust issues, I'm going to keep trying and try again when a better situation presents itself.

I relate to your trust issues. I say, "You get another chance just not with me" when certain boundaries are crossed. Sad to say I've had more friendships break those codes than romances over the course of my life. It does seem telling the particular friendship resembles the dynamic with your mother. One of my mantras is the famous quote "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results."

in my experience I have had many friends whose lives have went in unexpected directions. We still care for each other, but are distant.

I wonder if it is not these friend it would be worth reconnecting with as they already care about you and you them. I've never had a lot of friends and it's easy to let distance (in my case geographic distance) get in the way. It also happens when lifestyle seems radically different. My parents never had friends, so I have had to figure out how to do friendship as I go along I try to remind myself to keep up contact with these people even if I sometimes feel like they don't "need" me in their lives. Thank goodness for the internet and text messaging. I make sure to "check in" with a small handful of people every so often, shooting for at least once every couple weeks, plus on holidays and birthdays. I'll even let you in on a little secret: I often send the same text to several people.

If you've been out of contact a while with a friend who "still cares" it is possible to write them a note stating you miss them and would like to renew a closer friendship. I did this recently with my brother. We live thousands of miles away from each other and haven't been close in over a decade. In my case, I had to admit I was the one who didn't keep in touch and let our relationship slide off my radar and I've been keeping it up since the original messages we exchanged on Facebook.

As for making new friends... if you have any ideas, please let me know.

Bigeekgirl- thanks for the reply. Been out of touch for awhile. The podcast became too triggering and took a break. The friends I referred to have been pretty much out of my life for over 20 years.We have gone in opposite directions in way of life and beliefs. It's hard to make new friends, especially when I am shy. Until you get to know me that is. I have heard "Meet Up" is a great way to meet people. I haven't used it though, didn't have the nerve. Hugs

I have a lot of trouble making friends too. I'm friendly and personable but I don't know how to turn it into friendships. I'd joined a site but the results were not anyone I felt was a good fit. I'm trying to make more of an effort with my coworkers but it never seems to translate into anything outside work. *sigh*