Blah. Just...blah

[lawlessness45]

Aaarg.

I hate feeling like this. I want to cry for no reason. I can feel the tears behind my eyeballs, pushing against my retina. I want to scream, "what's wrong with me?" I've been doing so well. Thought I was "cured". Thought my fucked up brain was "fixed" and everything was alright. But for the last week-ish I've just felt...down. Not an overwhelming despair, just a sort of constant exhaustion, that eerily whispers, "I can't do this. This isn't worth it." My sleep has been inconsistent; I wake up multiple times a night and can't seem to fall into a deep, restful slumber. My motivation to work out has been waining, and my appetite has been non existent-- though I've been forcing myself to eat.

I hate to say it, but part if me wants to go back to the hospital, just so I can tell the staff what a horrible job they did. So I can rage against someone who (in my mind) deserves it. (Even though they technically don't...I guess...I don't know. No one deserves to be raged against.)

I just want to express my frustration on something that is physical. Something that I can attack and tear apart. I don't know where all this anger is coming from.

I'm angry that I have to deal with this. Angry that I'm alone. Angry that I can't seem to hold onto normalcy. That it slips through my fingers so easily.

I want to be destructive, but I recognize that destruction solves nothing. But, my god, I just want to let my ire out in someone, even though I know I'd feel terrible later. I'm just tired of holding everything inside. Of playing my cards so close to my chest(is that the correct metaphor?) On days like this, I want to act as crazy and angry as I feel. Gaaaarg....

In my head, I know it is a process. And that there are going to be good and bad days. But I HATE the bad days. I hate the bad days soooo fricken much.

Ok...time to snap out of the pity party and get back to work.

[kitkat]

I am just here to give you the biggest e-hug!

As painful and frustrating as it is, you're right, it is a process. You're not a failure or broken for having bad days and you have every right to get annoyed by it or to feel however you feel. Cry and punch a pillow and remember that you will feel better again!

[lawlessness45]

Thanks Kitkat. The whole "episode" or whatever you want you call it only lasted about 5 days. (Which is no fun, but at least it was only 5.) I'm doing better now. Now that I'm not so frazzled I am Looking back and trying to identify the trigger. Maybe if I figure out what it was I can determine a strategy to better handle it next time. But thanks. I think, when I experience these brief episodes I go into panic mode, thinking, "shit! It's happening again! And I can't stop it!" Especially if the episodes are really dark and intense (which this one was). It's seems to be easier for me to accept "bad" days when it is just a sort of dreary, blah, feeling. But when those bad days transistion into fighting off images of ramming my car into a telephone pole it can be a rather disconcerting shock to my system. Especially after 2 months of being free from those thoughts. So, it just freaked me out. But I got through it, with the help of my therapist, cats, sleep and distracting video games.

[kitkat]

Glad to hear it! Have you tried keeping a journal when these sorts of things happen? It might help to identify the triggers. I know it's hard to think, "oh, i should write this down," when you're not feeling well, but if you're able to, I think it could be helpful. And yay for your therapist, cats and video games! And sleep is always a yay, haha.