Hopeful In This Moment
Posted: March 7th, 2014, 1:53 pm
It’s inspiring to see people who want the right things for the right reasons. It makes me feel like maybe there is hope. Not necessarily for me but for the world. Maybe I just got the short end of the stick, no pun intended (cuz I am under 5’ tall), but at least it’s not all bad out there. Then maybe there is a reason for me to fight, a reason to believe in sharing love. God is love is the most beautiful and basic Bible verse that I adhere to. Though I am not a good Christian, I truly believed that God is love & that we should spread love throughout the world.
Yesterday I felt so hopeless and defeated. This has been my outlook for quite a while. I have always prided myself on my great capacity to empathize with & love others. As the years rolled by, I became so defeated that I just felt like a fool. I was a fool for caring, a fool for thinking my thoughts, actions, and entire existence even mattered. So the bouts of hopelessness just became a constant. For a few years now, I functioned to just get by without any hopes or dreams. And the many days where I could not function, I crawled into myself and hid from consciousness. But by some luck or misfortune (see it how you want) I sustained a job, had my family & friends, and basic physical health. This enabled me to endure each bout of depression, sometimes with a pause (hospitalization). I say maybe misfortune because I was never forced to make any real changes in my life. Even after each hospitalization, I still had the same job & after the novelty of my “cry for help” wore off, things always went back to the way it was. And I remained the same.
But today, I feel a small glimmer of hope again.
Someone involved with my job did something selfless and became a reflection of what I once believed in. Usually, being as jaded & cynical as I’ve become, I’d think this person a fool or someone who definitely has underhanded motives. But today was different. I felt good & longed to be that person once more. Maybe this is a turning point for me. Or just another flash of the high that comes after a low (a month ago I was on the brink of being hospitalized again & just a few days ago I had one of my many “bouts of depression”). Or maybe it is because I will soon have health insurance again & may finally be financially able to afford therapy again. Maybe subconsciously I feel hopeful that I can move in a direction to make a positive change, that the possibility is actually there. I do so want it but the hopelessness pulls me back from letting go & moving forward. But, this small glimmer of hope, whatever it may be, I feel is worth mentioning & recording in some way. It will be a reminder that maybe, just maybe, somewhere deep deep within myself, I can be found and loved, to love the world once more.
Yesterday I felt so hopeless and defeated. This has been my outlook for quite a while. I have always prided myself on my great capacity to empathize with & love others. As the years rolled by, I became so defeated that I just felt like a fool. I was a fool for caring, a fool for thinking my thoughts, actions, and entire existence even mattered. So the bouts of hopelessness just became a constant. For a few years now, I functioned to just get by without any hopes or dreams. And the many days where I could not function, I crawled into myself and hid from consciousness. But by some luck or misfortune (see it how you want) I sustained a job, had my family & friends, and basic physical health. This enabled me to endure each bout of depression, sometimes with a pause (hospitalization). I say maybe misfortune because I was never forced to make any real changes in my life. Even after each hospitalization, I still had the same job & after the novelty of my “cry for help” wore off, things always went back to the way it was. And I remained the same.
But today, I feel a small glimmer of hope again.
Someone involved with my job did something selfless and became a reflection of what I once believed in. Usually, being as jaded & cynical as I’ve become, I’d think this person a fool or someone who definitely has underhanded motives. But today was different. I felt good & longed to be that person once more. Maybe this is a turning point for me. Or just another flash of the high that comes after a low (a month ago I was on the brink of being hospitalized again & just a few days ago I had one of my many “bouts of depression”). Or maybe it is because I will soon have health insurance again & may finally be financially able to afford therapy again. Maybe subconsciously I feel hopeful that I can move in a direction to make a positive change, that the possibility is actually there. I do so want it but the hopelessness pulls me back from letting go & moving forward. But, this small glimmer of hope, whatever it may be, I feel is worth mentioning & recording in some way. It will be a reminder that maybe, just maybe, somewhere deep deep within myself, I can be found and loved, to love the world once more.
