Why do I want to try to be alive?

[manuel_moe_g]

Why do I want to try to be alive? I am trying to come up with a vision to motivate and guide me. Life is full of pain and confusion. I try to help others with what little I have figured out about a life of depression and anxiety. There are people in my life that would resist my pushing them away, so I must have some value to them. What will I see if I try to stay alive? I am thinking so hard and my head hurts. My limbs feel shaky.

Maybe that is it - I try to help others with what little I have figured out about a life of depression and anxiety. Somehow I make connections with people, in spite of myself.

My six-year-old-self, inside me, hates to be woken up just to be jostled and dragged through a painful and confusing world. It takes so much energy to be present and a loving parent to the six-year-old-self inside me, to be my own loving parent.

I better enter a meditative state and control my breathing, to bring down my anxiety. I am terrified how much I need connections to survive, and how bad I am at making connections - I am so weird and off-putting and intense. I have to fight the pain from making me more self-absorbed.

I am so good at pushing people away and keeping them at a distance, and I long for something different. I get so irritated so quickly.

I made a lot of mistakes, and I seem to be making fewer mistakes as time goes on. Maybe learning to make fewer mistakes is something to keep me pressing on.

I will get better, and my ego will diminish with time, as well.

[1] try to help others with what little I have figured out about a life of depression and anxiety

[2] make connections and sustain current connections

[3] make fewer mistakes over time

[4] diminish ego over time

[5] do the above, even though it is scary and feels unnatural to me

[Intentshitty]

" I am so weird and off-putting and intense. I have to fight the pain from making me more self-absorbed.

I am so good at pushing people away and keeping them at a distance, and I long for something different. I get so irritated so quickly.

I made a lot of mistakes, and I seem to be making fewer mistakes as time goes on. Maybe learning to make fewer mistakes is something to keep me pressing on.

I will get better, and my ego will diminish with time, as well."

I relate to that a lot. I am too intense for myself right now, I am exhausted from being irritated or mad all the time, I just want to hide in my bed. I am new to the podcast and it's helping me see things more clearly,

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Intentshitty. Welcome to our little forum!

I am feeling better now. When I get worked up, I give myself permission to really slow things down. My parents made fun of me for being slow as a child, but now I am a loving parent to myself and I give myself permission to feel less anxious by really slowing things down and taking things 5 seconds at a time.

Please take care, Intentshitty, all the best. We here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[GuyIncognito]

I am terrified how much I need connections to survive, and how bad I am at making connections - I am so weird and off-putting and intense. I have to fight the pain from making me more self-absorbed.

I am so good at pushing people away and keeping them at a distance, and I long for something different. I get so irritated so quickly.

I made a lot of mistakes, and I seem to be making fewer mistakes as time goes on. Maybe learning to make fewer mistakes is something to keep me pressing on.

This sounds like something ripped out of my own thoughts, albeit not as eloquently. I hope you are able to resolve your problems.