Brain going too fast, skipping.

[oak]

A few times the last two weeks in the evening I've thought "I am going crazy". As if my brain is going too fast, and skipping.

My mind races.

Tonight it happened at dusk. I laid down, counted my breaths, then got a washcloth and put a few ice cubes in it. Oftentimes cool, flowing water calms me. I put the washcloth/ice cubes up to my lips, and at first it was dry and room temperature. When the ice started to melt, I put it on different parts of my head. I thought to myself "I am able to feel. I am able to make decisions [about where I put the ice]" while all the thoughts were swirling and eddying around my head.

I felt fine physically: I tried to get some awareness of what, if anything I was feeling. It was if my brain hurt, but not really.

I also resolved to post here about what I was experiencing. I am told that we are only as sick as our secrets, so I am a little more whole just by typing this.

I also made a list of things I can do to take better care of myself, including more of the following: quiet, hugs, food, natural light, reading, amends, quiet at work, forgiving others, time in nature, being-not-doing as the basis of my worth.

Here is a list of things I want less of: constant media/visual stimulation (listening to music while playing video games), highly processed American food (I am increasingly nauseated by the thought of high fructose corn syrup and refined flour, maybe because I am getting older), judging of myself, knowing what is best for others, condescending others choices and suffering.

I also created an excel document to track when it happened (Saturday evenings are the hardest time of week for me), what I was feeling, what I was fearing, and anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10.

I made that spreadsheet not to measure myself against someone else's (real or imagined) standard of Enough. I did create for the ends of being playful, and not catatrophising everything in my head. That is, if I judge my anxiety as an 8, that is fine. I accept that it is an 8, whatever that means. An 8 doesn't mean that I will die, "go crazy", etc. Maybe all of those bad things will happen. But for now I can lay down in the dark.

In fact, just typing this my anxiety is at 6.

It is certainly possible that I am suffering from mental illness.

My guess as far as likeliehood is that modern life is alienating and stressful. Maybe my ancestors going back many thousands of years ago age mostly grains and cereals, were in the daylight, walked on the ground, and died by my age (38). Maybe my body is built for an African savannah rather than noise, light, and air pollution. Maybe I'm not designed to live on high fructose corn syrup, walk in shoes on cement, be overstimulated by video games, have light after dark, be seperated from others by race/class/gender/age. Maybe I was meant to reproduce at 15, be around four generations, then die at 30 from smallpox or a bear attack.

Maybe the constant noise and light aren't good for me. Maybe my brain can't distinguish the violence on tv and video games from actual violence. Maybe the car emissions I breathe every day really are bad for me. Maybe the very act of typing is unnatural, as it is unnatural for me to be staring at a glowing rectangle at 11:09 pm. I certainly have existential fear about climate change.

I am grateful for this forum, for the amazing technology, for the bold efforts of Mr. Gilmartin to create a community.

Maybe I'm wrong on both the causes and solutions of my distress. At least I'm not alone. Thanks for listening.

[manuel_moe_g]

When my mind is racing with anxiety, lately I have been given myself permission to concentrate on the 13-year-old version of myself, and let him work through my chores without having to worry about "grown-up" stuff. Please take care, oak. Love to read your thoughtful posts.

[TinaMarie1234]

So sorry that you're going through this, but glad that you're figuring out a way to analyze your situation and what might be triggering it.

FWIW - I have found meditation to be helpful with calming down. I was having a few panic attacks earlier this year, so I was looking for a method to help. There are some good free podcasts that you could try on iTunes. I tend to like straightforward, less culturally inspired versions, so I like some of the podcasts from Headspace and they have an app with a multi-day free introductory set of meditations (which, presumably, you could do over and over). I especially like the podcast on sleep-it has helped a number of times.

I hope that you’re finding some answers and tools to help you with this challenge.

[oak]

Thanks soo much for your posts! I appreciate them thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!

@Manuel Moe: A profound thought you shared. Thank you. I have much brotherly affinity for you.

@TinaMarie: As you've said: imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, and so I right away imitated you and subscribed to the Headspace.

Weekends are the hardest time for me, and while I am hoping to have this experience again, I am interested to see if it will happen again. I will prepare some tools to handle it.

It reminds me of a debacle I experienced late last night:

While I enjoy good health in general, for years my gallbladder will get irritated/painful when I eat spicy food several days in a row. Well, I chose to put sriracha on every meal for the last week so bam! last night I had that familiar pain.

But like many pains after midnight, my mind raced: suddenly I realized it could be a burst appendix. I was able to calm myself down, but it took awhile.

I guess what I am trying to get at is that my choices over time have consequences. Which seems obvious at face value. But then there are experiences where it is 3 am and I am convinced that I am dying. I really liked what the amazing guest a few weeks ago said, about the lesson he learned when he was on a job interview, during the lunch part of the interview: he had to tell himself: "This is spaghetti, not worms".

I am not sure how that all ties together (I am exhausted after being up half the night, then a full day of work). I survived these things. It helps to know that

a. I have tools
b. I am not alone

[weary]

Oak- sorry to hear of the acute attacks of distress but very pleased to hear about the tools that you are bringing to bear on the situation. Using a spreadsheet to track the intensity and timing of anxiety and depression is a very effective way to tease out both the triggers and the coping strategies that work for you.

The mindful breathing and cold washcloth are familiar to me and helpful. I have learned a lot about breath through yoga that helps me relax and calm down. The link below describes (among other things) a technique called breath moving that I really find helpful.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/t ... breathing/

You have a lot of friends and admirers on here who believe in you and are inspired by your wisdom and example. Keep taking good care of yourself, please.