Premature deletion
Posted: August 10th, 2014, 3:05 pm
I'm frustrated and mad at myself because I've wasted a lot of time writing posts and survey responses on this forum over the past six months or so, but I nearly always delete them. I start thinking they sound stupid or boring or unhelpful or I just hate them because I'm the one who wrote them. I obsess too much about inconsequential things, like my grammar or poor writing skills or hating the user name I selected (because it is tied to my ex-husband, because I don't live in a house on a river any more, because I'm not really a girl any more, because I inevitably find fault with anything that is part of me or chosen by me.)
Sometimes I can really lose myself in listening to the podcast, reading surveys, reading these posts, and get outside of myself and empathize with other people. Other times I'm comparing myself to other people and envying things about them, even here, even when I'm listening to people who have experienced terrible things. I'm not a narcissistic person, I don't think, I think it's just that I sometimes dislike being me so much that I would rather be anyone else. (Example of the monster envious me listening to podcast: You had postpartum depression and wanted to commit suicide? Yes, that's too bad, but when I was hospitalized for planning to commit suicide I didn't have a husband and a baby to come home to, so clearly you are better off than I am.)
I'm afraid that Paul and/or Manuel Moe or someone else knows how many times I've written things and filled out surveys and deleted them, and I'm on some kind of blacklist and should never post anything in the future. I suppose that sounds narcissistic in and of itself, but I can't shake that feeling that I don't even deserve to be here.
I especially feel bad that I've received a lot of help from listening to the podcasts and reading the forum and surveys, and yet I've rarely written anything in response or tried to help anyone else. There are people who post in the forum that I almost feel I know just because I've read so many of their posts, empathized with them, wished I could say something to ease their pain or make them smile, and yet I still just lurk. One time I read a post where someone commented that he learned everything he needed to know about the podcast & forum by seeing how many people read posts but don't respond, and I felt guilty because that's exactly what I do. I'm a coward even in anonymity. Ugh ugh ugh! I'm going to hit submit before I delete this once again.
Signed, The Listener Formerly Known As Rivergirl
Sometimes I can really lose myself in listening to the podcast, reading surveys, reading these posts, and get outside of myself and empathize with other people. Other times I'm comparing myself to other people and envying things about them, even here, even when I'm listening to people who have experienced terrible things. I'm not a narcissistic person, I don't think, I think it's just that I sometimes dislike being me so much that I would rather be anyone else. (Example of the monster envious me listening to podcast: You had postpartum depression and wanted to commit suicide? Yes, that's too bad, but when I was hospitalized for planning to commit suicide I didn't have a husband and a baby to come home to, so clearly you are better off than I am.)
I'm afraid that Paul and/or Manuel Moe or someone else knows how many times I've written things and filled out surveys and deleted them, and I'm on some kind of blacklist and should never post anything in the future. I suppose that sounds narcissistic in and of itself, but I can't shake that feeling that I don't even deserve to be here.
I especially feel bad that I've received a lot of help from listening to the podcasts and reading the forum and surveys, and yet I've rarely written anything in response or tried to help anyone else. There are people who post in the forum that I almost feel I know just because I've read so many of their posts, empathized with them, wished I could say something to ease their pain or make them smile, and yet I still just lurk. One time I read a post where someone commented that he learned everything he needed to know about the podcast & forum by seeing how many people read posts but don't respond, and I felt guilty because that's exactly what I do. I'm a coward even in anonymity. Ugh ugh ugh! I'm going to hit submit before I delete this once again.
Signed, The Listener Formerly Known As Rivergirl
