YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi all,

I am starting week 2 of disability leave from work, after a couple of months of struggling with ... I guess I have to call it anxiety/panic. I got more and more stressed as each email came in and had a hard time sitting at my desk (in a busy area) because I couldn't deal with people walking by me and looking at me, and possibly stopping to talk to me. I spent a lot of time working from other locations in the building, like conference rooms or the cafeteria. I would also get really freaked out and feel like I needed to leave the building, but I wouldn't take the elevators because I didn't want anyone to see me crying so I would go down 13 flights of stairs. On one of my last days at work I sat in a corner of the top floor of the parking garage and cried my eyes out.

I never, never thought I would be in this situation. I've been an occasional workplace crier for most of my working life (20 years), but I had to admit last week that I really wasn't being productive anymore, and that I was stressed and snappish and checked-out even when I was at home which isn't how I want to treat my husband or anyone else. My psychiatrist again recommended going on leave (as he has been for four months), and I finally took his advice.

One week later my heart still jumps whenever I hear my phone make a noise. I'm afraid that they're going to call me or text me. I don't know when that will stop. I don't know when I will be able to go back and that scares me. I've always been independent and never relied on anyone to take care of me. Even though I'm being paid now, I'm terrified that I won't be able to go back to work. Ever. And that I'll be dependent on someone for the rest of my life, and all of my hard work getting to where I am will have been a waste. And that my dad was right that it's a waste for women to go to college.

I'm fortunate in that I work for a largish company who has a third-party handle all of my medical information so no one I work with knows specifically why I'm out, but I'm pretty sure everyone will be able to guess why. I don't know how to face everyone again.

Who else here has been through this before? Have you successfully gone back to the same environment after going on medical leave for mental health issues?

I know this is a little late but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you're going through this. I went through a similar experience at my last job where it felt like I was screaming on the inside but still had to keep it together and try to get through. I was definitely a work crier -- I would go on the roof of my building or in the bathroom and sob. I also jumped when the phone rang (Which sucked cause I was pretty much tied to the phones). I just want to let you know that you're not alone and I'm sending you a big hug. I'm glad that your therapist suggested a break. Just take your time and breathe. Give yourself some love.

You didn't say what you do, but is it possible to work from home? Would you be more productive working from home? Your company might undrstand.

Oh my, you just told a very close version of my story regarding work. I have been on disability for almost a year. My reason for finally going on leave is unbearable anxiety. I have been with the same company for almost 25 years. The last two years, I began being bullied which exasperated my anxiety. I was good at my job and I believe that may have been one reason for being a target. However, after that I was a targetted for everything: what I wore, what I said, the fact that I existed (or so it seemed). I have had depression and anxiety most of my life and I don't feel I can come back this time; come back to do it again. I'm too scared I will fall a thousand feet per second, again, and go to that deep, dark place. I can't survive that again.

I would come home after work completely exhausted after spending the day doing my job with a mind racing at 90 miles an hour with thoughts of: they hate me, they're laughing at me; what have they heard about me; I wish I was invisible, etcetera. I would cry all the way home, and cry some more when I got home, and then try and get up and do another day. I finally hit my breaking point.

I, too, am terrified to go back to work. I know if I walk into the doors of where I work, I will panic. I am scared my insurance company is going to say, "okay, it's been long enough, you're cut off from benefits". I can't go back; I know that in every fibre of my being. I don't think I can work at all. It's simply become too hard. Just because one goes through therapy, and takes their meds, and tries their hardest, doesn't mean you're cured. I'm not.

Please let me know if I can help you, even just to listen.