Rejected and Broken

[justsomeoneinacorner]

I just got the email:

"Thank you for your interest in this position but unfortunately you have not been selected for hire..."

I need to leave my current job, that is clearer than ever. It's physical demands and it's challenging hourly schedule isn't helping my mental wellness. I've put out a few applications already, two of them have been rejected.

I feel broken. Am I too broken? Will the way my illness wounded me in the past prevent me from ever reaching anywhere near my full potential?

There, I said it! I SAID IT! I've finally voiced that nagging doubt I've been dragging with me from the time I began to really fight this thing. So lets do this, let me tell you all of the things that I'm ashamed of.

My freshman year of college I spent countless hours in my tiny shower crouching, silent, standing still. Wanting to cut myself, wanting to cry, wanting to just die. I was falling apart. I got a D in a class that I loved. This cycle wound continue for all the years I was in college. I tried and I tried but I failed! I FAILED! I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING FAILURE! I knew the material, and I knew that I could be even better than I was - but all of my energy went to keeping myself alive. And now I've got this trailing shitstain of a transcript dragging behind me.

My work record is no better. I quit one job in an email after I could no longer stay in school. This was the winter I came very close to killing myself. It was messy. I felt awful about it, I loved that job.

I was fired from my other job later that year. I started to have a panic attack at work. A friend stopped by, cheerful, to ask how I was. I shrugged her off, and she ended the conversation with: "well, at least you still have this job!" smiled and walked away. And that dread began to settle on me. I need to get out of here, I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE, I NEEEEDD TO GETOUTOF HERE NOWWWW!!!!! I paced around the backroom. Tried to take deep breaths. Tried to think clearly. But I couldn't. I JUST COULDN'T. Everything hurt. It felt like I had nothing. I just wanted out. I didn't want to put my notice in and leave gracefully, I wanted to run. So I ran. I clocked out and I left. Naturally they fired me. And now on every application I put in, I am as honest and forthcoming as I can be. but I wonder, is this the piece of baggage that's holding me back? Am I just too broken?! Have I fucked up too much? I know I could have explained. I probably could have saved my job, but I didn't, I just took it - stood there like the dead person I was on inside.

I was dead then; I felt like I had died a million times already. I can remember standing in a hollow stairwell at the top of a tall building looking straight down, begging myself to jump. I remember looping rope over my door, tying a noose around my neck and telling myself to just go limp. I remember standing on a bridge over a frozen shallow river, pleading with myself to just fall in. I remember holding razor blades and knives to my arms, telling myself to cut deep and not stop. I remember getting ready to pull a bag of helium over my head and wanting to the world to go black. In the end I never did those things, but it took its toll. It wore me down. It ate me up from the inside.

I know there is a way out; I can see it. I know I can take a few classes either under a non degree program or a community college to show how bright I am. I know I can take and pass national mathematics exams to demonstrate my proficiency in certain subjects and perhaps even submit a little research to boot. I know I can build a report with professors and professionals in the area as I pursue my areas independent study.I know I can hone my writing skills through daily practice, recreational writing circles and competitions. I know that I have a knack for self study, and the drive to build up everything I once had and more. I know that I have a wide circle of friends who can and will be an asset in my personal and my professional life.

But I don't FEEL it. I feel like nothing. Right now I feel like nothing.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello, justsomeoneinacorner.

You don't feel it right now, but your depressed feelings are not permanent, and soon you will be back on the plan's positive actions you stated near the end of your post. We all know it, and you know it too, that is why you keep trying.

All the best, cheers, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[Frootsy Collins]

I was really heartbroken reading your message, because I identify with the feelings so much. I'm also not where I want to be and am feeling paralysis about working to fix that. However, if you're having regular suicidal thoughts like this and are going through so much inner turmoil, I would really advise you to focus on addressing those feelings before planning out the ways you can academically achieve this or that. Even if you get your dream job, it's not going to automatically give you the coping skills you need to fight against these demons you're having. You can tackle the career stuff in due time, because your mental health is much more important.
Are you talking to anyone about how you're feeling other than this community, like friends and family or a support group or therapist?
Please remember you're not alone in this So many other people, myself included, feel like failures and get help for it by reaching out to others. Please keep us updated on how you're doing and don't give up on hope.

[justsomeoneinacorner]

Thanks for your kind words, and to clear something up - I don't feel suicidal now and I haven't for a long time. What I've been mulling over, is whether my experiences back then have left me too broken to do what I want to do now.