YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Flat lined. That is how I feel. My dr. and I decided to try and decrease my anti depressant because it was sending me into hypo manic episodes. And now, I’m just…flat. There is no reason to get up in the morning. There is no reason to do anything. I just screwed up my whole week last week. Missed choir practice, didn’t go to group and missed a performance. And I don’t even really care. I cared a week ago. Why don’t I care now? I just feel so…blue. Like, fine, but nothing has any color. It’s all dull and gray. I hate the feeling. But it’s either this, or mania. My racing thoughts were about to drive me batty. At the end of each day I just wanted to scream “make it stop” and beg my brain to be quiet. Why is my brain this way anyway? Why can’t I just be normal? Like a normal human being who exists without racing thoughts or without being flat lined. Which is better? To go through life hating your brain and being physically exhausted by it, or to go through life seeing no reason to do anything because everything is boring, dull, and essentially meaningless. It’s not depression, exactly, but it certainly isn’t NOT depression. Dose than make any sense? No…no, it doesn’t make sense…I just want to sleep. I won’t though. Because there are things to do and they need to get done. And every time I try I can’t fall asleep. I just end up staring at the wall for a desperate hour before I give up and drag myself out of bed. But god, sleep would be a glorious release. A glorious way to get rid of this blah feeling. This crappy feeling. Merg…well…I’ve got to make some phone calls. Guess I should get on that…wish me luck…

Best of luck, lawlessness45, in finding the medication and therapy that will let you live your best. You deserve more than a "blah" "colorless" life. Please take care, all the best, cheers.

I have such a fear of meds for that same reason lawlessness, I don't want to be flat. That scares me more than mania or depression. Every day right now is a fight to take my meds because I'm terrified or a world without color. (I'm an artist, I'm not being hyperbolic) I understand how the sleepless nights are the worst. For me, not so much the manic sleepless nights, because that's when I would get everything done, but the newly medicated sleepless nights caused by the lamictal. They gave me trazodone to sleep, but I fucking hate it. Essentially it just traps me in a weird fun house my mind wants to escape every few hours and I wake up in a start, afraid to go back to sleep. Plus I don't want to rely on sleeping pills forever, especially not an antidepressant known to have addictive properties. I talked to the doctor about it, and he said it would even out eventually, and anyway, how was it different from my insomnia during mania...I almost jumped across the room to hit him. Being up for two days, locked away with my paints is not the same thing as your mind racing while your body feels fatigued, when you want to cry because you desire sleep...why do I have to explain that to a professional? Anyway, sorry to rant. I just want you to know that you're not alone. Allow your body to acclimate, and see if this is a long term side effect. You are in charge of your body, even when you are not, and you have a right as a patient to ask for other options. I hope you get rest soon, i understand that agitation and it's no fun. Keep being strong. Be well.