Years Of Abuse Made Me This Way

[lydialynn]

This is my second post on this website and any feedback would be nice. I'm on this website using a phone so bear with me because I may reply really slow. But I would just like to start off by saying that after a few therapy visits, I am becoming to understand why I am like this. I'm having to keep my real name hidden because someone I used to be involved with is on this site as well. As a child, I was sexually abused, being forced into things I didn't understand. This isn't where it would end and not the exact subject of my life I want to focus on here, since this is a forum for discussing what bothers me most right now.

I have been involved with a guy for several years who has sexually assaulted me, manipulated me, and emotionally abused me to the point of almost no return. I stayed because he was my first real relationship and I guess I thought this was a normal thing and I guess I was also too afraid to let go and start again, since I have tried many times, but only to have this guy bother me and bring back the feelings I had.

I feel so guilty for speaking of him in this manner because I'm so used to him making me out to be the bad person and saying that he will kill himself or make my best friend hate me if I ever bring up to anyone the nasty things he has done. He has attempted both time and time before. For reasons such as me leaving, bringing up what he did, or he would just make up a reason to leave then say it was my fault and make up a reason for it. He and I have been a thing for such a long time and I don't know when it will ever end and it scares me. Last time we spoke, he screamed and yelled at me. I was only trying to figure out why he was "leading me on" because at this point, we weren't together, but he kept calling me "love" and saying romantic things. I know that he has an underlying mental issue. He always talks about how he thinks he's schizophrenic or bipolar or borderline. He always makes up stories that aren't even close to being true. And it has messed with my mind completely. He has even lied about experiences he had in these forums. I won't state his name or anything he may have said.

I don't know how to permanently remove him from my life. A family member of his is my best friend. i WILL always be involved with his family. It scares me to death. I know my first step to ever recovering from depression, anxiety, and self harm is to remove him. But I love him and it's just all so confusing. I know he's not healthy for me and I know deep down that what he is doing to me is not my fault and I don't deserve it but .. God, I really don't know how to explain. He will continue to try and ruin me and make himself look like the victim. Why does he do that and how can I get past this? I'm so terrified and I don't know why I can't let him go or why he cant just leave me alone.

[manuel_moe_g]

Start with self-love. You deserve wonderful things, and the most wonderful thing is self-love. Try, and if feels weird, use that as the signal to try even harder. Cheers, all the best, please take care.