YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I set a goal for myself recently just to start loving myself more. It was going great at first. I was telling myself in my head that i do love myself and avoiding the usual thoughts of thinking im conceited or whatever for thinking that. But after a couple days and a lack of sleep, i keep having moments where i just can't stop hating myself. I recently wrote in this journal that i had, filling the whole thing with stories from my life, my own thoughts and feelings, and whatever i just felt like writing. I told a close friend about it and she told me she would love to read it, so when i finished it, nearly a week ago, i handed it over to her the next time i saw her. She's now in the middle of reading it, as she told me today she was about halfway through. And then i realized how terrifying this is to me. I've only really opened up, comfortably, to one other person in my life. And now someone who i met just over a year ago is reading a deeply honest interpretation of my entire life because im too afraid to talk about it out loud. So while i was working today she stopped by. We got to talk a bit and she told me of her progress reading my journal. Before she left, she asked me if i thought her hair looked cute. Sure it did! But here i am, afraid of having feelings for my friend who is a lesbian, and i couldn't give her this simple compliment as i hesitated to answer. Then as she was leaving, i wanted to say "i love you!" She always does the same for me, but once again i froze up and held it. I immediately hated myself for the first time in a few days. I was making such good progress too. Then i texted her, saying that i wanted to say i love you but didn't and was now beating myself up for it. Then i had a nervous breakdown for nearly two hours while working alone at a semi-busy ice cream shop.

You are worthy of love and you are worthy of self-love.

You will not always get it right. You can have trouble being socially graceful, but that does not affect the fact that you are worthy of love and self-love.

You are gutsy laying it all out in your journal and letting someone read it. You are being vulerable in a way most people cannot. So, you rock, RabbitPoo!

This is a very worthwhile goal, but very Big. I suggest that you just start by simply accepting yourself and showing a little more compassion to yourself. This relieves you of the pressure to "love" yourself even when you know you are not at your best. You don't have to love it, you just have to accept it. This approach has been helping me in recent months.

Sharing your life stories and what is in your heart with someone in writing is tremendously courageous, and I admire that.

You've made some tremendous progress. Finding somebody and trusting that person enough to share your feelings with is a huge step. Be kind to yourself for the missteps and the worrying and the self-hate. it's all part of the experience of getting out of that dark hole.

Best wishes.