YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I can't do it anymore. I'm reaching out. I only expect new perspective. Some advice. 42 year old male. Philly. 20mg/celexa a day. See psychotherapist (don't even know what that is) i like him. But this is business. Alcohol, opiate free 2 yrs. unemployed. I'm a felon. Got outa jail 2yrs ago, got the help of the Doc. Was doin OK for a year. Without any major negative events ( a few my young guys died, unfortunately, kinda common. I am now in the shit. Don't eat for 4 days, sleep in dark for 5. Only bathroom. Does meds stop working? Is there seasonal depression. I been real bad for 5 wks. Mayb it will pass.? No passion for nuthn except my niece. I stopped any/illegal dumb, baby behavior. Serious about changing, but still when I look in the mirror I wana throw the fuck up. Decent lookn, was goin to gym heavy, so a lil in shape. No girl No kids. I broke my neck, paralyzed. Fusion surgery. I beat it. Walk run. I been shot at went to jail, beat it. Spiritual guy. Pills and Jameson. Don't do it. Have it arrested. Why the fuck can't I find a shred of happiness in one mother fuckn thing I do. That's it!

Hello CraigC, welcome to our little forum!

There is some definite positivity coming through in your post, even if your mood right now is depressed.

CriagC wrote:I'm reaching out. I only expect new perspective. Some advice. [...]

See psychotherapist (don't even know what that is) i like him.

[...]

Alcohol, opiate free 2 yrs.

[...]

No passion for nuthn except my niece.

[...]

I stopped any/illegal dumb, baby behavior. Serious about changing [...]

Decent lookn, was goin to gym heavy, so a lil in shape. [...]

No kids.[...]

I broke my neck, paralyzed. Fusion surgery. I beat it. Walk run. [...]

Spiritual guy.

I don't want to minimize your problems, but you have enough positivity in the ledger to build a great life, a life that gives you peace and satisfaction and accomplishment.

Depression is a killer. Depression wins from inaction and withdrawal. So deny it victory: be active and engage with people. Easier said than done: you have to make each "slap in the face" from action and engagement a signal to try again - so that it is automatic "slap in face" immediately followed by "try again with action and engagement". Exercise helps. Pills help. But the automatic reaction keeping you alive and moving forward is what is going to save you.

I can't hold a candle to you, with what you have accomplished already and what you have already overcome. I struggle with depression, and anxiety, and problems with unsatisfying sleep overtaking my whole day.

I learned a long time ago the importance of "internal-locus-of-control": pretending that I was in control of all outcomes in my life, ignoring evidence to the contrary until I wasn't pretending anymore, I just could not abide thinking otherwise.

Now I am noticing what times of day I really feel a sense of volition and the perspective of being the master of my thoughts, even if I am not perfectly the master. So those fleeting times of day, I use the same trick - those few times when I have the perspective to see what higher executive control looks like, even if things feel hazy, I pretend those few times are more than enough to control all outcomes in my live, ignoring evidence to the contrary.

I don't even know if I am making sense. I am praying again, and I will pray for you to The Good Shepherd, the guy who gives strength to the people who need it. Please take care, continue using this forum, we all here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

Craig-
It seems like you are in so much confusion and despair. I agree with seeing doc, preferably psychiatrist since they are the experts with meds and meds can be really important. They can tailor meds to your problems. Seems like you are on fast forward. I could be wrong about that. But if you are, I would suggest spending some time outdoors--don't need to go to a park or anything. Sometimes, I find taking a long walk, maybe even a fast one gives some space emotionally and takes a bit of the edge off.

You also might want to make a list of all the things that need attention. Going to doc, eating, etc. You don't need to necessarily do anything. I find writing things down frees up some emotional space in my mind.

Please excuse me if I am not recognizing how much suffering you are in. If you are having the extreme, can't leave the bed depression, forget what I said above. I experience really bad depression too and I know sometimes you can't get out of bed. If that's the case, any friends to call on?

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Many people here totally get what you are going through.

Best, L&F