Why such a self-punishing double standard?

[Glock therapy]

Hey all,
I find myself really struck by the difference between what folks write here in reference to themselves (unaccepting, self-condemning, discounting of efforts and successes) versus what they write in response to others' ("don't be so hard on yourself" "that's not weird" "you deserve to be treated better", etc).

I've done so myself. Will get on here, write a 15-minute treatise on how I'm the biggest failure, guilty of unforgivable mistakes, a hopeless-muthaf'in'-case blah, blah. I'll admit this is something I recognized first in someone else's writing--might have been "weary"; I don't think he'll mind my saying so. In any case, this applies to me equally if not more--just noting that this was first noticeable to me when done by others, and that's perhaps evidence of a filtering process that's akin to the one I'm primarily discussing. So I've read the posts of someone blasting himself mercilessly, and 3-5 mins later (evident by timing of posts) same person is urging someone else not to give up hope on themselves, to see a tough situation through, to value themself no matter the circumstances. It's not that I consider the feedback to others to be BS. Not at all--I'm moved by so much of the genuine and tender compassion I see folks demonstrate here. So why the acceptance and understanding of such depth for others while giving ourselves not an ounce of same. Why do so many of us treat others like inherently worthwhile people to be praised for effort, pitied for pain, and unconditionally loveable? Yet not give myself any such understanding and love?

Seriously, look at what you may have written about yourself here, and what you've had to say to other people--I know for me it's really an incredible split. And seeing it laid out so clearly is quite striking. Feel like I'm making a pretty basic, but overlooked-with-critical-consequences-point. Interested in what others think...

[stringsofsolace]

I see this all the time in just my regular, every day life - everyone comes to me for advice, compassion and a listening ear, and thankfully, I'm able to keep it together in order to help the people I care about, but when it comes to taking care of myself, I would never use the advise I give others and no one really realizes how big of a mess I truly am. I'm always so encouraging and believe in others, but when it comes down to it, like you mentioned, I'm so hard on myself. I don't know where the paradox comes from, and I wish it wasn't the case, but it's sadly so easy to be so negative and have unrealistic expectations of ourselves that we don't push on others. I think you've done the right thing here- bringing awareness, I think that's where it all starts; Just recognizing that we're being so much harder on ourselves and that, guess what, we don't have to be!!

Who knows - minds are really screwed up spaces and it's easier to look at someone else's life and see hope and encouragement for their future, but we don't know all the details they know about themselves. We know so much about ourselves, that it becomes an easy task to nit-pick and hate what we find. We hang out with ourselves too much to like the small, little every day things we do that we would admire in someone else.

Maybe we should all just take a step back, myself incredibly included, and think about what we can do for ourselves. What advice would we give to ourselves that maybe we thought we needed to hear from someone else? Let's be our own heroes today.

[meh]

Interesting observation. In my own case, I can say things here about the darkness in my head that I can't say to others (except my therapist). My wife can't relate, my kids are too young, etc etc. Here I'm surrounded by people with the same frame of reference.

Just my theory....

[weary]

Hi Glock - don't mind at all that you recognized this in my posts. I have become aware of it, and I appreciate that it gave you insight into yourself. I think it is a good observation, and it is something that a lot of us on here have in common.

For me, I'm pretty sure it comes from low self-esteem. Not being able to accept that I have anything intrinsically good about me, but I am only defined by whether I do things "right" or not (and that is a moving goalpost). I am really trying to learn how to be more kind and compassionate to myself, but I feel like everyone else deserves it much more than I do. When there's conflict or pain, it is the responsible/expected thing to do to bear the brunt of it, to sacrifice, to punish myself so that someone else doesn't feel bad. That's my programming, I think - to me that's what love and being a good person means - is to put other people above you at all costs. That's what makes change and building self-esteem and creating boundaries and trying to just identify my own needs, let alone get them met so painful - because it feels like a violation of the rules and something that makes me a bad person.

I think that kind of lines up with what meh said - there are parts of me that I feel are unacceptable and shameful, or that at least I feel like nobody will understand, and this is a place where I can vent some of that. At the same time, I feel very angry with myself for being that way - I want to be "right" - I want to feel the way that I'm "supposed to feel".

[PalmcorderYajna]

I totally do this all the time. I will have the most pure empathetic messages of love for other people, and I always am around to give advice. I would never tell anyone anything negative no matter what they told me, I constantly strive to be supportive and loving to everyone I meet.

But I'm a worthless, lazy, fat, ugly, disgusting, talentless, piece of shit who deserves to die.

(I actively am aware that it is a problem I was just trying to illustrate the thought process)

I will make small mistakes that I would not give a second thought to or think of anyone differently if anyone else did them but if I do them I am an idiot. If someone else broke a glass I would instantly try to comfort them and assure them that nothing bad happened. If I break a glass I feel like I deserve to be punished.

[RationalMuse]

I was just trying to come to terms with this after talking with my 12 year old daughter. I can rationalize and provide her with comparatively great advice that hopefully steers her away from perfectionism without abandoning goals altogether, dealing with body image and mood swings.

My biggest pet peeve is hypocrisy. So when I beat myself up and self talk myself into the swamps/pit of despair I then attack myself for being a hypocrite as well - like a bonus in the cereal box!

Sometimes I wish I had some kind of split personality disorder that allowed the depressed part of my brain to actually accept the compassion, kind words, advice and love that the other side of my brain gives to others so much more easily. It is like there is a huge "Yah, but..." attached to the compassion and there is some secret that only I know that makes me ineligible for the compassion. You know how you discount a parent or friend or family member saying you look nice because you rationalize it and say they have to say that because they are your mom/husband/wife/best friend.

I wonder if our brains are wired to discount all the positive stuff (if not all at least enough of it at certain times) that people that are not as susceptible to mental illness, depression, etc don't have in common with us - like a defunct membrane that protects them from the negative cycling thoughts. A brain condom - to protect against unwanted illness.

Maybe it is time for sleep or to at least attempt it. Brain condom - WTF!!!

[kitkat]

It's so true. I've been trying to "parent myself" (I forget what it's called..) and think of how I would treat myself if I was someone else? It's so difficult to do, but sometimes I can get in the headspace of looking at myself from another person's perspective and it does help.

Another thing I try to remind myself, which my psychiatrist pointed out to me, is that I am prejudice of myself the way maybe a racist person is prejudice of people from another race. Where I will turn every accomplishment I have in to a negative or fluke experience because I'm not really capable. I hope that makes sense..

[Cheesehead]

Because I'm "special!" I'm not good enough therefore I deserve to be punished by holding myself to standards no one else has to be! I thought that was just common knowledge and sense. Cause it is to me, duh!