Overwhelming feelings from seemingly nothing

[kitkat]

As usual, I have no idea if this is the right forum for this. Anyway.

It should be obvious to me, but it took my psychiatrist telling me about a month ago that I am super sensitive to supposed rejection. Even when I am not actually being rejected by anyone, I feel it. Even when I didn't want something, I feel hurt when not offered and like I want to cry and like I am a child again. It's so cliche it's like nails on a chalkboard. I hate the sound of the words and typing it is no better, but daddy issues is what I have. It makes me want to vomit with how lame that is. I don't want to have it. I was rejected over and over again by a narcissistic asshole who I want nothing to do with, so how can this be rejection? How is it rejection when I don't want to be near him in the first place? I despise him and more how it has effected me and more how if he was different I could have had a good life. I do have a good life now. I do, but there is a lingering film over everything of "daddy issues" and "abandonment" and "rejection from your own family how rancid must you be." Intellectually I know it had nothing to do with me, but it doesn't stop my throat from closing.

Last night, I was with my mother at a take out place. She ordered the food and I waited there while she popped over to the grocery store next door to buy some chicken. I was sitting there, waiting for 20 minutes while I watched the cook diddle about, doing nothing and ignoring our order. I sat there, not knowing what to do, not wanting to be rude and assume he was ignoring us, but progressively feeling laughed at and less than and again I felt my throat close and my eyes sting like "oh right, I am disposable." I sat thinking about why I felt this way, all the analyzing not lessening how I actually felt. I thought about how I never yelled at my father, how I avoided conflict, how I can't calming argue with anyone without shaking because, I always wanted to say something, I always wanted to yell at him and I never did and now I don't even receive horrible, nasty, disgusting emails anymore that I do not want to read, but some part of me maybe needed that only form of attention that he could provide and then maybe I would have summoned the courage and said, "no, you don't know me, you don't define me, fuck right off now and forever. You can't reject me, I am rejecting you." That is what I want to say. "I rejecting you. I don't want you. You are the problem. I was 13 and you were an asshole to me and you left me and that is your fault and not mine." But as I no longer receive those horrible emails, all communications are down and it's like I am still the one who has been rejected, even while I never replied to his emails, even while I didn't answer his phone calls, I am still the one who was rejected.

After 20 minutes, the cook went on break, leaving the frying pans on. At this point, I walked up to the counter, waiting for someone to maybe notice me. The manager came out and was surprised I was still here as she had seen me sitting there before. She got my food and helped me and gave me a discount and apologized for the wait. I smiled and said "it's not your fault" and "don't worry" and "you guys are busy" and "these things happen." And she was sweet and thanked me and even as I was back in the car with my mother, I still felt like I wanted to cry.

It's just weird these little things that make me feel all these things. I don't want to feel rejected by nothing.

[weary]

Hugs, kitkat. That feeling sucks. I have been feeling it a lot lately, too. And I'm pretty sure I also read it into situations where it's not really there also. I can relate so well. Thanks for posting that, because it helps remind me that it's not just me.

[kitkat]

Thanks weary. Hugs for you too! And thank you for saying that because now I also feel like I'm not alone. it's such a hard thing to remember that there is always someone going thru the same things.

[oak]

Hey kitkat. Thanks for sharing.

This is a fascinating post.

Does gender, your identity of which I do not presume to know, influence how you handled the take out situation?

Also, we have justice these days: Yelp.

[kitkat]

Thanks oak, my mind is definitely a weird thing, haha. /hugs

That's an interesting thought, I never considered it. I'm female and like to consider myself, you know, not a push over because I am female, but I am a push over. It could have something to do with it. Whenever something needs a stern voice or authority, I'll ask my fiancée or step father since I don't feel I have, I guess, the balls to be taken seriously. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my dad was the sort of mysoginist that was quick to tell me not to be like the bimbos he dated, while also telling me that I would end up a golddigging harpie like all other women. So I guess that plays a role somewhere. For a long time I didn't want to be a girl or a boy because I didn't like how either were identified. I'm not as gender confused anymore, but maybe it does still play a role? You've given me something to think about!

And I would feel too guilty giving them a bad yelp rating, haha. The manager was nice to me, so..