My problem with vulnerability

[Mus Music]

I hear so often in recovery/self-help circles how important vulnerability is, yet, I feel disappointed by people when I open up. Maybe I'm just not getting it, or maybe I haven't learned how to trust the right people...or maybe I have an entitlement complex (hard to look at, but I think there is some truth to that).

I just want to feel heard, for someone to relate, to feel validated in my feelings. I'm sure it's well meaning, but I'm so often met with people trying to fix me, to get me to change my attitude and my actions. They're trying to help, but I didn't ask for help, especially in the form of tired old platitudes I've already internally whipped myself with over and over again. And the worst thing someone can say is: "I don't know what to tell you." Why does such a benign phrase feel so invalidating? Now I feel bad for burdening them with my opening up AND for putting them in the awkward position of having nothing to say.

It's odd, but it hurts when someone tells me what I SHOULD do. This is where my high expectations get me into trouble. It's such a big part of my personal values to not step on another person's individuality and autonomy, and so I feel betrayed when others try to grab a hold of my wheel and make a sharp turn. I could simply politely and quietly decline their advice (which often happens), but it still hurts when I invite others into my inner workings and they start drawing up plans to redecorate. Maybe I need to work on being more clear in expressing my needs. It just feels so wrong to essentially be saying "I don't want your help, but listen to my shit anyways"

I understand this may simply be self-congratulatory arrogance, but the conclusion I've come to lately is that my inner world is very rich and complex and that people wouldn't understand if I tried to communicate. In fact...I'm not sure I would want others to completely comprehend the depths of me. Mix this with a sizable dose of self-awareness, and a conversation about my struggles turns into me MANAGING the other person so as not to trigger the same old tired platitudes. I've heard it all at this point, and I'm overwhelmed by all the dualities and contradictions. I just want to explore that deep dark parts of myself, and for someone to say "yeah, I get that" or "I don't understand that, but it sounds tough." How do I engage in an open conversation without it turning into me manipulating them into meeting my needs?

It always seems to come back to high expectations of others for me. But damn it, at this point I feel like I'm much better off flying solo in life. That's an unsustainable solution.

[bridgetbones]

I get that. To the point where I have nothing to say most of the time. It seems pointless.
I dream of someone in a social setting speaking in a way that engages me or someone being engaged by something I say that has meaning to me. The last time I was out socially my partner explained to the person I was speaking with that "she doesn't really do small talk". I shut up immediately- where do you go from there? I'm not sure what I was saying was even that deep, I was just asking questions.