Intrusive thoughts/ grief

[rivergirl]

Hello GriefPancakes,

I've been reading a book called "Grieving is Loving" and I thought of your question about intrusive thoughts again when reading this passage:

Our minds replay grief-related content in habitual cycles. It feels inescapable and lasts for much longer than other people, the nonbereaved, think it should. Like an open, bleeding wound, it begs our tending. "I am here," grief says. "Be careful with me. Stop. Pause. Stay with me."

Everything feels inadequate to say in the face of your loss, but thinking of you and sending warm thoughts.

rivergirl

[rivergirl]

remarks,

I'm sorry for yours and your wife's loss of your child as well. I don't think grief ever entirely goes away, at best it can only coexist with the other emotions we feel.

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Omg I so relate. I feel like grief has consumed me from birth. I’m a twin. My twin died on our birthday. My son was born September 2004, my grandad whom was my world died 23mins after he was born. My mum was diagnosed terminal cancer same day. Fast forward four years my mum died from bleeding to death in bed next to me and my two brothers.
7 years later my dad died of cancer after I was told I had it in my boob and bowel. My son got surgery for a nasal tumour 2019, while he’s on the table my grandma is wheeled into ED with massive stroke. My son is woken from surgery to lay with her in her final hours, she died the moment we left to use the bathroom. Feel massive guilt. I now am due for more surgery however don’t want to carry on with the grief.
I work for the very surgeons that worked on all my family. I now tell people their results and some are told this is the end of the road for them. I live with loss daily and have some happy days. Sadly my son has seen more loss than any of his friends. I can’t see a long future for myself but I also can’t stop thinking about the people I’ve lost.
No words can lift the grief, battles with my own mind is so exhausting and I honestly feel your pain.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

That's such a heavy load you're carrying. Almost too much to even read about...
I hope you can find peace.

No wonder you're sleepwalking...

[Mental Fairy]

Kia Ora Snoring dog!

I have a snoring cat.
Thank you for your acknowledgement of situations I have come to know as part of me. I honestly don’t see it as massive. I have overwhelming moments that happen at the most insane times. Some times at complete inappropriate moments. At times as tears, pure anger or deep sadness that seems to surpass the tears and goes straight to dark holes that seem endless.
Then on the flip side moments of pure bless, watching a leaf fall before winter, smell of grass after the rain, stars falling on my morning run. I saw a butterfly that was so old looking with scars on his wings land on a flower in my garden. I was so incredibly fixated on its beauty because of his scars. Shit they were beautiful. Because he/she lived a life of adventure, It found a flower, it found some nectar and it carried on. That’s beautiful. Scars mental or physical all have beauty.
I carry my scars and try keep them sealed. It’s just so darn hard some days.
I certainly haven’t suffered like many have, and absolutely do not think more than most. The eyes I have can see and acknowledge others who have also suffered. I watched my son last October bury his best friend due to suicide. This boy whom took his life was the last person I would of picked to just check out. I thought my son could handle the grief as he had many times before. Shit, I was so wrong. I can home from work one day and found this beautiful son on mine on the lounge floor crying into a towel. The towel was wet through. He would of been there for ages. I felt a pain in my heart I couldn’t stop. I hurt for my boy, Ryan the friend whom took his life was about to become a pilot. My son was set up for a scholarship and I watched him absolutely pour all his soul out onto that towel. That’s the most helpless I felt.

Holding the hand of someone who is bleeding to death and begging them to just stop breathing for your own selfish reasons of not wanting to see such a death and holding your own sons body while he feels the true weight of loss without the option of holding his mates hand was so enlightening for me.

So please anyone out there whom is thinking about or have fantasies about ending your life like I do at times, please know I can’t hold everyone’s hand but I will dam well let you all know I would if I could. With no judgement, no questions and no apologies.
You are all thought of.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Something about snoring animals is comforting, isn't it?

And finding poetry in your mood swings....it's good that you can at least see them for what they are. (I can relate. Wish the highs lasted longer).

For the last several years we've been hatching Monarch caterpillars and releasing them as adult butterflies. it's incredible to watch the whole cycle. And when gently guiding them out of the enclosure and having them crawl up your finger before shooting up to the trees is real magic, and it makes me laugh every time.

How is your son doing these days? Have you talked things through with him?
If it was inconceivable to you, must have been the same for him....

(It's weird how we can seem to rationalize it for ourselves pretty easily, but not at all for others, right?)

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Snoringdog

Thank you for asking about my young man.

If you asked me last week I would of maybe been hesitant to answer as I’m not sure deep down If he ok? I’m hoping he is better than I assume.
He got a lot of help with therapy after each passing of family or friends.
From age 15 he was over 6 feet tall and massive feet. His first and second year at high school he was treated for eating disorder as he just wanted to make himself smaller. He finally found a great friend whom he still has at his side. Once they formed a strong ring of mates they have all been there for each other. I do struggle with open communication with him at times.
I know he is very empathetic as he helps absolutely anyone who needs it. Today he drove around to all my patients suffering with covid and dropped medication off and electrolyte drinks for all of them.
I have watched him suffer from anxiety and was helped with medication for depression when things got way to hard for him.
I just don’t know how to actually find out?
I am terrified of overstepping my mark as a mum. It’s a hard one to tackle.
There’s days I don’t even know if I’m ok! Let alone someone else.

I love your butterfly story. We used to do the same. Winter on its way here for us so not so many of them around now. We have found that when they eat the plant right down to the stem they love grated pumpkin!

Wished I found this forum years ago.

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Just the fact that you're unsure seems reason enough to ask, at least from where I sit....
(For subjects like this, it's worth a bit of risk, isn't it?)

I have no idea really, what's going on, just what I get from your descriptions...
But an inquiry out of genuine concern could go far in keeping communication opened, and to relieve some of your worry.....

Wishing you both the best

SD

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you. Yes I agree. His dad also talks to him far more as our son ages. We do talk don’t get me wrong and he absolutely comes to me at times and does confirm he’s ok. However things are in place for him as support and kindly offered by his previous therapist with an open door policy. Just as a mum I do worry and I’m glad I feel that way as i see other parents just give up.

Thank you so much for input. I reached out to my therapist today as sleep walking and night terrors persist.

How are you doing? Are you ok?

[snoringdog]

Yes, muddling along as they say... thanks.

Anxiety and depression are my main mental troubles, along with a wee touch of the OCD it appears.
I've been pretty lucky in my life so far in terms of health and lack of misfortune.

But boy, I'm waiting for the hammer to fall, (always have been) which I think is diagnostic