YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

One of my biggest problems is that I often feel like I'm not doing enough with my spare time, but at the same time I feel anxious about starting anything. Even if the decision is as simple as what movie I want to watch on Netflix, I usually end up pacing around trying to make a decision and end up not having enough time to watch a movie at all. Of course after doing this I feel terrible about myself and depressed that I wasted the little free time I have before I have to get ready for bed to rest up for work in the morning. I always feel like I want to make the most of my time, but my indecision in figuring out what the best use of my time is kind of makes the decision for me. I might as well have chosen anything, even if it wasn't the "perfect" thing to do. Anything would be better than pacing the room worrying about it. I understand this in my head, but seem to have a hard time translating it into action.
Does anyone else have trouble with indecision? What ways have you found to cope with it, if at all?

Hi there Frootsy,

I am sure this must be frustrating, does this happen for all decisions, or just the every day things you want to do?

I know exactly how you feel, I am the queen of indecision since forever (both for small and big decisions). We want the perfect solution and end up doing nothing.
I happened to read a book intitled Personal MBA, by Josh Kaufman, and he says that it is normal to have a degree of indecision, because human beings have the natural tendency to loss aversion and to make a decision automatically imply “loss” of all the other possible alternatives. When we are faced with a conflict (such as should I work or should I watch this movie now?) our brain it is like a heater and a air conditioner, each one set to a different temperature (work and leisure), which leads to procrastination, exhaustion and frustration. He says that the solution is not to fight the natural functioning of the brain, but to change the “reference level”, of the “temperature setting” (or set a clear time to work and clear time to rest; knowing that you will rest later, your brain can focus on the work and stop trying to “cool” the room). I know it is much more complicated than that, and this is just a summary (I hope not too confusing) of a whole concept, but it helped me to know that it is a natural process and to verify that this whole “change the reference level” thing helps in the cases I am able to apply it.
He explains the concept a little better in http://book.personalmba.com/conflict/ (hey, I am not trying to sell the book, I just happened to like some of the concepts, and this was one of them.)
What you guys think? Is this proposed solution too simplistic? Can we help each other making decisions?

Gah...I understand this exactly, as it happens to me pretty much alllll the time. Most often when it's something little like how I want to spend my free time (what movie to watch, book to read etc). With bigger decisions, I try to weigh both sides carefully, but I only feel relief in making a decision--any decision--and not in necessary making the right decision, so then I stress about that too.

I know it's a common symptom of depression, but I also suspect that it has a bit to do with a weakened sense of self somehow. Though, I am too in my head sometimes so...who knows. When I find that my indecision is really bad, and my head feels like it's spinning, the only thing I can do is just stop and be still, and quiet and kind of relax/meditate. Many times it turns out I'm tired and don't know how to focus, so I will just get still and listen to a podcast or audiobook.

I don't know, I'd like to think that somehow this will go away and making decisions will get easier, but in the mean time, this is the main way I cope. Another way is walking away from in and talking with someone about anything else.

"I know it's a common symptom of depression, but I also suspect that it has a bit to do with a weakened sense of self somehow."

I think that's really true - that extreme indecision is linked in with a weakened sense of self. I have it come particularly forcefully at times when I'm most dissatisfied with myself and when I feel the most powerless.

I also think, for me, crippling indecision about small, trivial matters (like deciding what to do with my free time, as the previous poster mentioned) creeps up when I'm really putting off trying to sort out what to do about the larger things in life; huge conundrums like serious, pressing problems or philosophical quandaries or Big Life Changes. The little issues then become magnified and I stress out trying to make up my mind about what to have for dinner or what TV show to watch, instead of trying to figure out if I need to make some serious changes in my life.

I do this too. But, Paul had on a guest on an early show, and I think it might have been Jimmy Dore but I could be wrong... he was going through a period of depression when his doorknob to his house weirdly happened to break.

He immersed himself in indecision in trying to replace the doorknob and spent days buying and trying different doorknobs and driving to different stores and he got totally consumed in it.

He said he thought he got so heavily into this particular decision, because he didn't want to look at the other crap in his life.

And that really resonated with me, I think this is exactly what I do. I spin my wheels in indecision over things like what movie should I watch, to keep from thinking about other stuff. And, like you, I usually go the whole night, and never watch a movie.

I always feel like I want to make the most of my time, but my indecision in figuring out what the best use of my time is kind of makes the decision for me. I might as well have chosen anything, even if it wasn't the "perfect" thing to do. Anything would be better than pacing the room worrying about it.

I have felt similarly. For me, I think the tough part is wanting to do the best thing, right thing, perfect thing. That puts so much pressure on it, and thus, how can you make a decision, cause what if it is wrong. Anyway, I get you. I think, it can get depressing, feeling stuck in that sense. I think maybe, if you can let that idea of using free time the best you can go, and focus on just simply enjoying yourself. The first thing you think of, go for it....Because the reality is there is no perfect thing/right/wrong, you know?

minigrogs, I totally agree with you... and for me, that is part of what makes me feel so frustrated! Cognatively, I realize there is no right or perfect choice, but the fear of making the wrong choice can be so overwhelming it cancels out everything I seem to understand on a cognitive level.

My boyfriend would not go to the grocery store with me for the longest time because I would spend hours lingering in front of each aisle trying to figure out which version of the item I wanted was the right one.

Now I have to make a list before I go to the grocery store, and the fact that I have thought it out ahead of time and have a physical list to follow keeps me from standing around re-thinking everything over and over and over again.

Colonialpunk wrote:My boyfriend would not go to the grocery store with me for the longest time because I would spend hours lingering in front of each aisle trying to figure out which version of the item I wanted was the right one.

Hah, this is exactly what happens to me at the hardware store!

I do this at the video rental store! Also, very slightly at the grocery store and in other shopping situations. My girlfriend usually wanders off without me, because she'd rather not wait. Which is fair!