Work

[Beany Boo]

This is all I know about work,

Everything is going to take steps.

Otherwise, it’s a febrile mystery. Something about how I was brought up makes it confusing and scary.

I spend most of my energy at work just trying to pass as normal.

Exhausting. There is anger definitely. But also just observing that it’s always been.

Discuss...

[Beany Boo]

I’ve had a think and a feel about this.

It starts with my finishing with obsessing (in an OCD way) over global solutions.

It might be the year for me to start ambling in a place of open confusion. Confusion good. Haven’t quite resolved that thought.

I have seen the recent value in tolerating a greater level of uncertainty; and just consenting to participate, nothing more.

Information overload is out of control, and Pandora’s box, so I’m happy to relinquish responsibility for processing it.

That said, work is still a major trigger in my life.

I think it’s the year to admit confusion about work and start asking ‘stupid’ questions about it. Maybe I can genuinely reposition my relationship to it; even if that means simply making my confusion more productive in this job, or others.

[oak]

Well said. Thank you for sharing. You are heard.

I’d have replied, as work is rich for mental health and growth, but grief-exhaustion have prevented me.

In the meantime keep posting, as you feel moved.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks Oak,

So my position is, I’m already always doing what I’m supposed to in life. That doesn’t change. I’m suffering from resources and interactions that aren’t making optimal use of that thing-I-do.

So if I relax about who I am and invest in a theory of change where stuff is gravitating; stuff that is more suited to my ‘thing’.

Loosening my grip and asking stupid questions.

[Beany Boo]

So I think maybe,

“If I don’t get this task right, I may not eat again.”

Is the organizing principle of my work life.

I think it may be true for many.

It would be nice to get the task right, just because.

I might need more security to do that.

Hyperfocus and perseverating seem to be an obstacle to starting.

[Beany Boo]

So I went to a writing workshop tonight.

I don’t write (except emails). I actually said that in my intro at the beginning of the class.

It definitely felt like work. I didn’t write any fiction but I did my best to focus in that direction.

Other people were PhD candidates and some seemed very serious and professional about writing.

I will say this. I didn’t feel the “if you don’t get this task right, you won’t eat again” feeling.

I just felt the “I want... in this direction” feeling. For an hour and forty minutes.

I probably won’t be a good writer. But I think I definitely might enjoy it.

[oak]

Wonderful! Well done.

Ironically, not ten minutes ago I was thinking this: “having worked with any number of PhD people, the only thing they have in common is having a PhD”.

In other words, while it can be intimidating, people with phds are all too human. In fact, many of the best people with phds never talk about it!

More importantly, well done for taking such a courageous action!

[Beany Boo]

Thanks Oak,

I’ve started down a new line at work.

I make and encounter so many banal mistakes at work; like hourly; like whenever I venture from a resting state.

It’s so ubiquitous that I’ve decided to make mistakes the base unit of my work. It just seems like less effort and frustration to get myself ready for the next inevitable mistake than to follow an abstract process, devoid of mistakes; which are just hidden.

I’ve started to log mistakes as they cross my path or as I fall into them. It’s without malice.

The result is my brain works more easily. And I still get the work done if I... articulate... the mistake.

It’s not a certain venture, and reading this I can tell I’m coming from a very specific angle that I don’t have language around, but it feels optimistic. My thesis is something like, with expansion, globalization, digitization, Internet-ification and so on, we’re slowly beginning to drown in errors.

[Beany Boo]

Back at work.

Two mistakes I’d normally ignore in the first ten minutes. Nothing I can fix; only dodge next time; like in Groundhog Day.

It’s tricky calling them mistakes. I can’t tell if I’ve made them, the other person, ‘they’, ‘the system’... Definition to follow later.

Related to it, I think maybe I work too hard. Not as in my paid labor; across the surface of that I’m filtering, reading, weighing up way too hard. It’s exhausting. Not everything is a moral dilemma. Or at least one you can fix in real time all by yourself.

There’s some contradiction at work where I am ignoring mistakes happening regularly because I’m working overtime all the time on the moral consequences of every next situation.

Rather than unwind that, I’m just going to keep putting it down and walking away. It feels like a counterpoint to just easily notice mistakes unfolding (like a road trip game), whosever they are.

And another move, not spend my alone time concentrating on holding my tongue, for when I do encounter people. Yikes! Trust that I’m not a ‘naughty burden‘; I might actually say useful sh** in real-time.

Sorry if this reads as cr**y. Just trying to catch up to thoughts. It seems important now; to dance between them.

[Beany Boo]

I think I’ve come to a juncture about mistakes at work.

I’m showing myself how to navigate the work day less compulsively.

It’s what a less compulsive day looks like; the mistakes are more clear and regular but less onerous. If people making them don’t notice, it suggests they might be following a more compulsive line in their work. Well, more than me.

So the juncture is, if I loosen my grip (behave less compulsively), I notice more mistakes, but I feel less life-or-death-y.

I think I’m onto something.