The looser at my table

[Powerpac7]

I have a table set for one, and there is a looser who sits there...me.
Surrounded by packing boxes, packing tape, the table is set on the floor. It is a faux table. At it sits a faux-person...me.

Yes, I know it's a pity party but it is where I am. Once at the top of my career game, the bright, successful, can make everyone feel wonderful about themselves, always making others laugh, sits alone at a table for one; feeling like a failure.

Four failed interviews this week, I continue to pack to move across the country and move into my senior parents basement at the age of 48. Correction...49....Monday Sept. 5 I turn 49 (that's not a cry for birthday cards)..infact, what I want most is to pull the covers over my head and shut out the day.

The advantage to having had all friends and most family members give up on you is that no one will call, no cards will come, no well wishes...just me, at my table for one.

I got pissed off at today's podcast. I don't have a two part interview to give about how I almost died over and over again from drug addition. I'm not a fresh, articulate 17 year old who is going to get his letter read on air, making Paul feel full of hope. I was the guy who did it all right. Though the story isn't glamorous, it is, in itself, it's own fresh hell. There is little reward for doing it all "right" and winding up in your parents basement at 49 in a small town with no prospects. A washed up has-been of a career.

Yes, it is a pity party. But if I do the "right thing" and list off faux-truisms like "at least I have my health" I think I'll snap.
Clearly I don't have my mental health.

If there is a reset button on life, I should push it right about now. "Rainy days and Mondays (especially when they fall on a birthday) ALWAYS get me down"

Here's something you should know...I believed in God but he didn't believe in me.

[BCZF]

Hi there...

I have felt the same way.. I am 43, divorced, been unemployed for 1 and 1/2 years and found out my wife and son are moving away.. He is 18, but still, doesn't make it any easier.. But you have to believe that when you hit bottom, you bounce back up.. Im not saying I'm ok, but I AM getting better, and being on this forum helps a lot, as well as the podcast.

Do not be afraid to confide in anyone, if you cant afford a therapist, call your county social service and talk to one of their in house counselors. They usually charge a sliding scale, I pay $30 a session, which seems like a lot, but it will change your life to have an unbiased shoulder to lean on..

Hang in there, please... You will see light soon..