YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Ever since my girlfriend and I broke up (about a month and a half ago) I have been obsessing over it. It pains me that you can do so much for a person, be so close and in one sentence none of it mattered. It's done.

She used the old "I will always care about you" line. Really? Then why don't you talk to me? It's a lie. Another ex gave me the same line.. and we haven't spoken since. It's been 2 years!

Though I know it's totally right for us not to be together (she's a mindless retard) it still kills me for 2 reasons:

1. I don't think I will ever be with another girl that I'm nearly as attracted to physically.
2. I'm very lonely.

These are my problems. I have friends. I'm a fairly social guy and I fit in pretty well with whomever (which I feel only adds to my mental illness) but this is a different kind of loneliness. I've had so much free time lately since I work 3rd shift. It makes it so I'm alone with my thoughts over 90% of the time. It's the opposite schedule of the world, and my job is mindless. I love it though because I can just listen to my ipod the whole time.

I've accumulated many new female contacts in my phone, but most of them aren't too intriguing so the void hasn't been filled. This has just dug the whole deeper, I feel. I could go on and on and on and make this post even more scattered, but I will just get to my point.

The loneliness has made me crave attention. From almost anyone and everyone. I'm constantly on facebook and dating sites. I feel pathetic. Does anybody else feel like this at all??

ihavechappedlips wrote:I feel pathetic.

Not pathetic to feel the need for company. You are preemptively rejecting yourself to save other people the trouble, which is always a bad idea. You will try, you might fail, the trying is the succeeding, and when you break through, that is just gravy.

Just learned how to do a "fancy" quote in this message board:

That's true. I need to assume the best rather than the worst.

Silly Bear, of course you will find another yet she may break your heart as well! Do you think you will find a good partner in your desperation or would it be better to figure out why you must fill the bucket seat to your right so awfully bad?

Good Luck

When I read your post my first thought was why do you need another person to "fill the void". I think you should start there. Why is there a void in your life? Is there anything that brings you joy and a feeling of accomplishment? Fulfillment? When you get attention from others does it distract from something else? I was a bit shocked that you called your ex a "mindless retard" (I think there may be a clue in that as to why she won't talk to you anymore) Why would you stay in a relationship where you have so little respect for your partner? You both deserve a better relationship and a deeper connection. This might be the crux of the situation; you need to be engaged intellectually. Are you ready to engage with yourself on a deeper level and try and understand what you are trying to avoid?

The void is mostly physical affection. I was attracted to her like no other. And I just don't think I'm going to get anybody else that compares. That's why I stayed in the relationship. I never ever expressed my real feelings towards her. What turned her off about me was my religious beliefs. I don't celebrate holidays that everybody else does and I will not change. I just want that to be respected. Really, that was the demise of the relationship. Quite shallow of her... but still, I have been resenting God for this.

Although these feelings that I am focused on are ultimately meaningless... I don't want anything else and I'm not quite sure as to why.

ihavechappedlips wrote:The void is mostly physical affection. I was attracted to her like no other. And I just don't think I'm going to get anybody else that compares.

Physical affection and physical connection are important.

Maybe like Moon Unit said, you need to take a break now, and the most loving thing to do for yourself is to re-group and build strength so that later you can be intellectually and spiritually vulnerable and open and giving and receptive.

You may be putting too much into this one person, and if you use "seduction" strategies in an ethical manner, you can date several women serially to explore in a fun way how to balance the priorities and desires of what you want to get out of a relationship.

All the best!

This year I left my marriage. Jumped right into a relationship with a person I consider my true "soul mate"...true love, true understanding, and the best physical intimacy. Of course, because I'm so broken I managed to jack it up and lost him. I have had the same feelings about never being able to find that same physical (or otherwise) connection with another person. I'm not ready to move on yet but I'm also not "waiting." What I decided is that if I can't be with him right now, because I'm not mentally healthy enough to be in a great relationship, then I should really spend the time focusing on myself, and making myself more independent and less "empty"...

Try approaching it as an opportunity to better yourself, as opposed to losing something or having a void to fill. I think when we figure out how to be truly happy and content with ourselves, then we're more likely to attract (and keep) our perfect partner.

Good luck! (to us both!)

I think we can all relate to being hurt, maybe even angry, after a break-up and being uncomfortable with the "void" left behind when that person isn't there anymore. A month and a half might not be long enough to get over the loss, especially if you're young, especially if she was one of your first serious girlfriends. Give it time. Give yourself permission to be sad, but don't dwell on it. Stay close to your friends. Stay busy. Force yourself to do things that get your mind off her. See if you can be happy flying solo for a little while. You'll attract more and better people if you're okay with being by yourself. Life's ironic that way.