The Danger of Minimizing Your Feelings

[Paul Gilmartin]

I just exchanged emails with a guy who is feeling guilty because he thinks his PTSD didn't come from something horrifying enough, and it makes him feel like a pussy. I don't think the event is as important as the feelings that were triggered and linger. I created this topic because I get the feeling there are a lot of people out there who are suffering because they don't feel their event was "valid" enough to warrant talking about.

I was one of them when it came to admitting I was molested. I can now say that I was molested by a 15 year-old neighbor when I was 11. For years I didn't think what happened physically was enough for it to qualify. But someone helped me see that what I FELT was what was important. I FELT used. I FELT manipulated. I FELT dirty. I FELT really uncomfortable around that person every time I saw him after that. THAT is what is important. It only took me 37 years to get there!

Paul

[Michigoose]

I agree wholeheartedly! Or perhaps people are looking at it backward if they don't feel that what they experienced is bad enough to make them feel as bad as they do.

If it's causing PTSD-like symptoms (nightmares, flashbacks, etc.), it was probably a bad thing to experience. If you don't trust your memory, at least trust your feelings -- they're there for a reason.

[Artmart]

I can certainly relate to all of these feelings Paul, after going through a similar thing. It really fuck with your head.

[chooristina]

i think one of the dangers in minimizing negative feelings by searching for validity is that the search continues as well for positive feelings. i know i do it!

[Veronica]

I agree. And sometimes the sum of the parts is the thing to focus upon. When I was at my lowest, I felt ashamed that I was letting things get me so down. I got out a pen and paper and listed the things that had occurred in the past three years, and in a second column, how culpable I was/am. When I saw those big (but maybe not huge) events in black and white, and how close they were to each other... it gave me perspective. There had been no time for catching my breath, no recovery time before the next blow came. I started to see, and know now, that I could have successfully overcome any of these, or a pair of these, events by themselves, and would have been able to consider that "my bad year". No one, I don't think, could have gotten up again and again and again and kept smiling. At some point we have to yell uncle.

I gained a new respect for myself after seeing things in writing.

[manuel_moe_g]

that is awesome, Veronica, that you were able to be so loving to yourself.

[EliCash]

This is something I struggle with every day. When I look back at the suicide attempt I made when I was 15 my initial reaction is to mock myself. I mean, I grew up in a stable upper-middle class home, had loving and supportive parents, and never suffered any trauma or abuse. Then I thought about the issues with grades and schoolwork, the alienation of going high school in a different town than I lived, etc. It made me realize that what I've been fighting all these years has nothing to do with the fact that my life looks great from an outside perspective, the real battle is hidden in my head.

[manuel_moe_g]

It made me realize that what I've been fighting all these years has nothing to do with the fact that my life looks great from an outside perspective, the real battle is hidden in my head.

Yeah, I know the feeling - the inside of my head is the place where all forward momentum goes to die. Bleh!

But if you look at anxiety, depression as a chemical disease that warps appropriate reactions to life, the end result makes sense - thank goodness now we can form communities instead of suffering in complete isolation.

All the best, take care, cheers!

[dare i say it]

EliCash, I really like your insight about the experience of your life being vastly different from what other people perceive about your life. I'm the same way. Sounds like we had similar family backgrounds. I've attempted suicide myself. More than once. When I think back on those times I get a weird cognitive dissonance thing where I can't figure out how or when or why my life got so far off track. I don't have anything super obvious in my life that I can point to and say, "this is why I tried to kill myself." Not knowing where all that came from, it's sometimes difficult to accept my feelings for what they are.

I'm in a somewhat better place now. I'm seeing a therapist and I'm taking better care of myself. Have you continued to get help? professional help? maybe something at your college?

[EliCash]

Have you continued to get help? professional help? maybe something at your college?

I've been in weekly therapy since I was 15 and I love my doctor. I can't describe my difficulty making progress better than this Bright Eyes lyric I always related to in high school, "I am the first one I decieve / If I can make myself believe, the rest is easy." All along I knew that perfectly described one of my worst defense mechanisms. Recently I have gotten much better at recognizing the fact that I am deceiving myself and others, the trick is using that knowledge to stop myself from believing it anyway.