YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I feel that since I don't have any serious problems in my life, I don't have the right to say there's anything wrong with me. So I minimize everything, take my meds, and shut up. It's really hard for me to open up about anything, and I always talk myself out of seeking help.


The podcast is great. It makes me want to seek help and actually deal with issues instead of saying that I don't deserve it.

Every single day. I don't have any great traumas from my childhood or any abuse that I can point to for why I feel this way and it makes me feel weak. I have honestly had the thought "I wish my dad had hit me. Than I could have a reason."

That's pretty screwed up. I think. But still not enough for me lol.

I spent a lot of time wrestling with the "why." I have had situational depression where there was a certain situation that I was having a hard time dealing with it, but I've also had postpartum depression, anxiety and panic disorder. With the anxiety and panic I spent a lot of time with my therapist trying to figure out why. She and my doctors agreed I may never know "why" but I need to treat it. It's frustrating but I am trying to accept that this is just the way I'm wired. Sometimes I see the same tendencies my daughters, so I try to be open with about depression and mental illness. My husband has ADD and suffers from depression so I feel bad that they most likely will have to deal with it themselves someday.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's important not to let your illness "define" you.

Usually when someone talks about depression they'll tag it in the phrase, "suffers from depression." Because basically, depression can make you suffer! I don't know what it is with me, must be a pride thing or something, but I still have trouble using the "s" word when describing my situation. It makes me feel..."whiny". My family rule growing up was "No whimpering." There was definitely humor tied into it, but it really had an effect on me I think. Usually when I talk about this stuff, which is not often, I'll simply say something like, "I'm depressed," or "I'm frustrated," or "I'm really fuckin' mad to the point I'm balling." Anger, frustration, rage, those are seemingly ok qualities for me to have, I know those, I can handle those, but never could I be suffering from something! Starving people suffer! Cold puppies suffer! I'm not suffering! Suffering's not for me, I say NAY! Yeah, I'm too tough to suffer, guys. Like you two, janitortaco and MikeFrancis, I can't pinpoint anything bad ever really happening to me...or at least nothing I can't handle myself. Right?

How the hell do you just downright admit you ARE suffering and that it doesn't fuckin' matter what's causing it? IT IS WHAT IT IS. See? I can say that here, and feel good saying it. But I can't do it in real life. Kinda pathetic. Mike, I talk myself out of seeking help all the time. It's insane how I'm able to recognize that and still do nothing about it. The podcast is really helping me as well, as far seeking help is concerned. In fact, after I'm done writing this, I'm gonna go give myself a call and get help.

Just joking on that last line. I have to add humor to everything. It makes me feel better.
Thanks for sharing your situations. It means a lot.

When I was 16 I was pretty embarassed about it. That's when I was first diagnosed. You can't really brag to your friends about how cool going home and going to bed is. My family did not make it easy either. My father was very old school southern and was all "why can't you talk to your family about your problems". I think they all felt like I was just moody and would get over it. Because of my parent's attitude toward therapy I never really engaged in it and just went the medication route which helped me short term, but it's really nice if you can talk to someone close to you who can be supportive about how you feel.

stephany wrote:When I was 16 I was pretty embarassed about it. That's when I was first diagnosed.

Wow, I am so happy you had the bravery to begin working on your depression at that young age.

Please take care, all the best!

I'm not sure I've been "embarrassed" per se.... especially now that it seems that almost everyone is dealing with some sort of depression or on meds or HAS been. I HAVE dealt with the difficult task of explaining it to my parents... My pastor father's response was "pray more, go to church, read the bible." My mom's response was "of course you are, you've always been that way." THAT was a surprise.... "Geeze mom, maybe you coulda clued me in on that before I started to think I was insane?" hehe... In some ways I think it's EASIER for me to not have a dark, damaging past because it means I don't have to look for the root source of my pain...I can just say "heck, it's a chemical imbalance!" Of course there's really more to it than that, but it eliminates some potential embarrassment when you know it's just a nerve thing and you're working on it.

I have to say that I feel this way a lot. I am known by people as a happy go lucky guy, and I like to show that on the outside. I was super down this Thanksgiving and I stayed away from everyone. I have a problem admitting it in daily life because it makes me look like I am weak or something. The topic really struck me because it is something that I do not think about, but it is there.

Concealing, minimizing, and trying to ignore the pain in me until it went away has been a major theme in my life. As it turns out, that was a poor strategy. I found this great Maya Angelou quote yesterday: "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." Personally, I did not rate what was going on inside me as a "story" (or at least not one that anyone would find compelling) until the depression got out of hand. That's tragic. And even now, even in forums, even when I first meet with a therapist, I feel like I need to explain or justify why I feel so awful.

Like others in this thread, I've never been abused. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to handle it if I had been. My family was never poor growing up. I was a good student all through school. I never got into trouble with the law. I never really witnessed violence. I never really appreciated what addiction could do to someone until I saw it happen to people I knew in college. Speaking of college, I've had tremendous opportunities showered on me since I was a kid. So, on paper, my life should have turned out great, right? It didn't actually. I've spent a lot of time feeling miserable, and on top of that, feeling guilty for feeling miserable.

Dan

2/21/12 Update: My father is emotionally and verbally abusive and my mother is codependent. I have just tended to minimize and normalize those problems until now. I may have also been born with a sensitivity to emotional turmoil and never really got it treated until recently. It's a big relief to finally understand that so I can get to work on making my life the way I want it to be.

I feel the same way. Depression hurts and sometimes I feel like no one wants to hear any of my problems. Just know that there are those out there who will listen.

I'm Brooke, by the way. New member. Found you guys through Stumble Upon.