YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I listen to a lot of these stories about how folks had these hard lives... yet they were over achievers.. super smart, went on to have great careers, $$ etc.. that they adapted to their misfortunes by "being the best they could be".

Yet.. MY story is different. While I wouldn't consider myself stupid.. I never did well in school.. I had a TON of peer problems.. no friends, beat up on the playground, struggled with school, was kicked OUT of a private school because I didn't do well enough. I had a ton of tutors.. had to go to summer school, almost failed HS (but at the last minute got 2 A's and pulled myself up out of the gutter) struggled in College.. never really did much in my life.. although I have my Masters in Library Science..(where I did manage to peform well) but never did anything with that degree.

I am basically pretty mediocre... any talents I feel I have.. get lost among everyone else.. I try to build up my self esteem about my talent.. which requires some energy.. only to be kicked down again. .. In fact at times.. I get angry and bitchy anymore when anyone criticizes because I personally feel I AM talented and smart.. but I can't seem to do anything with them... and I get no support.. and then I wonder if I am honestly all that talented at all.

Unfortunately I am with a partner who IS smart.. had a rough life but they sailed through HS.. are very talented artist and is respected.. just hard on their luck right now..

I just don't feel I have the charisma to help folks see I am talented. Not that I am running around saying "I am stupid" all the time. I have gone out there and shared my work.. but I just am not a "salesman".. and so I am a failure.

I feel I am really alone in feeling this way. Everyone else just seems to have done really well in school and in their life ... But me.. with my ADHD I struggled and still struggle...

Kayleigh, you are far from alone. I constantly feel like a failure. I know I have the potential to do well in school and that I have a knack for writing, but I don't do well in school or write often. What I try to do is take inspiration from the stories of hard work and perseverance. Knowing that so many people overcome pasts I can hardly fathom has become a source of comfort for me. When I stop believing I can succeed I am always uplifted by the idea that people have pulled themselves up from such depths, because it lets me know that A) I could be much worse off and B) My problems are surmountable.

Your problems are surmountable too, and you are absolutely not a failure because you struggle with them.

Kayleigh wrote:I try to build up my self esteem about my talent.. which requires some energy.. only to be kicked down again. ..

Self-esteem based on accomplishments or recognition from others will always be treacherous. It is not self-esteem, it is "others-esteem". Your mind then starts seeking validation, which it won't get unless you are surrounded by angelic people, but that is probably not be helpful long term.

Even if you had absolutely no talent, were completely disabled, old and ugly - you would still be entitled to self-esteem. What others think can fuck off.

Kayleigh wrote:I just don't feel I have the charisma to help folks see I am talented.

People don't care if you have talent. People with enormous talent who waste it are far worse than well-meaning mediocres. Why do you want to trick them into treating you differently? Instead, do the best you can with your talent that benefit others, and let them think whatever they want.

I just got an idea. Maybe the mind-pattern that says "I need to manipulate the people in my surrounding into treating me better" might trigger a form of self-destruct in some people, psycopaths excluded. It could be some form evolutionary biological program: when an individual stops thinking that it's contributing (for whatever reason) some program sets in that isolates it and tries to kill it, thus benefiting the remaining tribe. Sounds horrible, but it seems to make sense in with depression.

Maybe the mind needs to think it is contributing to the wellbeing of the other "tribesmen". Maybe that''s why meaningless jobs and unemployment causes depression.

Hi Kayleigh. I feel like a failure a lot too. I have a decent job at a great place, but my role is piddly so I feel like a loser.I've asked to get more responsibility, but it doesn't come. A lot of people I know haven't had the career hassles that I have, so it makes me feel like everyone cruises through life, but as the podcast and this forum point out, this is not true at all. For me, the feeling comes and goes. When it hits, I try to limit it by exercising or talking to someone, but it is tough to deal with for sure. As the podcast says, you are not alone......

T

Hi Kayleigh,

You are not alone. In some ways my life is opposite to yours in that I am "pretending" to have a life that is what is accepted and what is expected. When all I really want is to run away and have people leave me alone.
Please don't ever feel like you need to sell your talents to other people or live up to perceived expectations of others to boost self esteem.
Self esteem comes from within. It is hard. Hard work to begin to look at yourself with new eyes and focus on all your positive and to cut out the bad influences, let new ones in. Here is are some suggestions and a little true story...
Try starting a gratitude journal and record one thing - no matter how small - you are thankful for or that makes you laugh each day. The other big thing that helped me besides groups etc.. was helping others. When I am out in the world performing random acts of kindness for strangers - it makes me (and them) really happy and really proud. And most of the time - it is just between me and the universe. I never take money, trade, exchange....only thing I take if it is offered are the words thank you.
I have bagged groceries, made funny faces at kids to get them to stop crying, paid for a coffee for the person behind me in line, pumped gas for a disabled man, cut my neighbors grass, I wipe snow off strangers cars in the winter etc.. It could just be interacting with someone. I was at a restaurant with my 5 year old when a family sat beside us. The older man was telling me something - I had no idea what he said but engaged him. A few mins later his case worker came over and he got in trouble for "bothering us". I explained it was not a problem and we enjoyed chatting with him. Her response was he is retarded and has to learn he can't just talk to anybody. Most people complain and don't like it. Then she got up and left for a minute.
My heart sunk. Looking over his head was down in shame. When he looked up I made eye contact and winked at him. My daughter was confused - why can't we talk with him mommy. We can I said. And again he began talking about big mac's and chocolate sundae's ..... He was smiling and laughing. The worker returned and I was ready to give her an earful and take the blame for this new round of conversation. Instead she sat beside me with tears in her eyes. I haven't seen him laugh in weeks, you are so kind. Thank you. she said.
Ten minutes of my life talking to someone who I didn't understand and it made a difference for him and his case worker - if only just for that minute. It felt good. Really Good.

imnotcrzee wrote:When I am out in the world performing random acts of kindness for strangers - it makes me (and them) really happy and really proud. And most of the time - it is just between me and the universe. I never take money, trade, exchange....only thing I take if it is offered are the words thank you.
I have bagged groceries, made funny faces at kids to get them to stop crying, paid for a coffee for the person behind me in line, pumped gas for a disabled man, cut my neighbors grass, I wipe snow off strangers cars in the winter etc.. It could just be interacting with someone.

I like reading this. This is inspiring. Thanks, imnotcrzee!

Hi, Kayleigh. I got bullied, too, for years and years. And it caused me a lot of trouble in school because it kept me from being able to concentrate on schoolwork because I was too busy visualizing the next time a bunch of kids would come over to pound on me, and what I would do. When it might happen, where might I go, who might it be. And, of course there was no way to predict these things, but my brain was just doing it's #1 job, protecting me from harm, in the only way it knew how. To plan.

It started planning all the time, and the planning thoughts became intrusive and by the time I was a senior I was barely getting by and couldn't focus on anything at all.

By college, the physical violence had stpoped, but, the damage was done, as a college student I still couldn't focus, my mind had been trained to plan for every bad eventuality in life that could possibly happen, and "what if" thoughts were now so intrusive I had to drop out. I was being controlled by my own anxiety and I was miserable. I lived like that for 15 years before I got a good therapist and started learning why my mind was working as it was. So, now I'm slowwwly getting myself unstuck.

As Paul says, you are not alone.

Good lord it felt like I wrote that whole story...
I'm having a bad day myself. One of those, I'm a failure so why bother getting out of bed days. I have given up trying to get my husband to understand this because he is an extremely smart, confident guy and does not understand what I have gone through just to make it to lunchtime in any given day.
I understand what you mean because I look around me and it feels like everyone else has the secret to something that makes them successful and I just can't grasp it. It's so frustrating.
I too struggle with ADHD and it adds so many problems; even when you are aware of it and try to make changes in your daily routine to compensate. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about ADHD and how it affects adults who deal with it. It's hard and we often struggle alone with the depression and anxiety and diminished self worth that this disorder brings with it.
I know that I will come out of this and get in a better frame of mind, but man right now really sucks!

Hey Kayleigh, I have to first echo what BecomingKind said about not basing our self esteem on what others think of us. It's easy to say, hard to do but probably very worth it to work on. Not that I'm an expert on that BUT it sounds soooo wonderful. The idea of suspending our perceived judgements and deciding on our own terms what makes us "successful".
For some people success is a much larger thing, it means maybe they've achieved notoriety in work or made oodles of money and that is all it takes because they have a healthy outlook and have gotten to a place of peace with their lives. For others, success is the ability to get up, shower, and face the day. And there are all kinds of places on the line in between.
I think you (and I, and a lot of us) have to learn to define success daily or hourly based on where we are at in that moment and reject the notion that because other may see us as a failure, we are. No matter where you are, your success is yours. Please please please own your success! Let the little victories build you up and don't let the petty failures break you down.

I did not read many of the replies to this topic but i decided what you said was so close to me that i will just adjust what you said and fill in some of my variables. See if u can spot the differences, and then slap yourself for feeling alone..... then slap me for feeling alone.... then hug everyone in this thread who feels just like us..... ok now for the post

Yet.. MY story is the same. While I wouldn't consider myself stupid.. I never did well in school.. I had a TON of peer problems.. bad friends, beat up on the playground, struggled with school, was kicked OUT of a city school because I didn't do well enough (ok i might have been a little bit of a terror to the dean ). I had a ton of tutors.. had to go to summer school, almost failed HS (but at the last minute got 2 D's and pulled myself up out of the gutter. struggled in (online) College.. never really did much in my life.. although I have my Masters in Video Gaming..(not really) but there isnt much to do with that degree.

I am basically pretty mediocre... any talents I feel I have.. get lost among everyone else.. I try to build up my self esteem about my talent.. which requires some energy.. only to be kicked down again. .. In fact at times.. I get angry and bitchy anymore when anyone criticizes because I personally feel I AM talented and smart.. but I can't seem to do anything with them... and I get no support.. and then I wonder if I am honestly all that talented at all.

Unfortunately I am with a partner who IS smart.. had a easy life and they sailed through HS.. are very talented and is respected.. just hard on their luck right now.. (thanks to me! yay! hooray for being a parasite! )

I j feel I have the charisma to help folks see I am talented but i have done too much in my life wrong that they cant focus on anything but. Not that I am running around saying look at me im awesome all the time. I have gone out there and shared my work.. but I just am not a "educated person" (dropped out of college first semester ).. and so I am a failure and doomed to my life of manual labor, flipping burgers, or mowing lawns.

I feel I am really alone in feeling this way. Everyone else just seems to have done really well in school and in their life ... But me.. with my ADHD I struggled and still struggle...

I hope you dont mind me taking your paragraph and adjusting it to myself but i just thought we had alot of similarities and i had to let you know that i feel for you and your story really helped me.
Keep your head up, hell they even have a song about us now ("BLAME IT ON MY ADD BABY! - sail by a band i cant remember) who knows what the future could hold. Well u caught me at a good time so i hope some of the things i said help u feel better cuz i do after reading/typing all this..... ooo i should buy a boat..... i mean thanks again