Pretty on the outside; Broken mess on the inside?

[in_media_res]

Forgiving someone for sexual abuse is like forgiving a fire for burning down your house - it's pointless. The next step is to stop being angry.

I disagree.

I don't think you can stop being angry until you've forgiven - yourself and others. Forgiveness isn't something you do for those who've hurt you - it's something you do to help yourself.

But others may have different experiences.

[BecomingKind]

You might be right. This is my thinking. The trick is to stop reacting to a situation that is no longer happening. To me, forgiveness might do that but it also acknowledges that there was no bad intent. Example; I forgive you when you spill wine on my couch, or even if you spill boiling water over me. On the other hand, after forgiving you I would still be afraid of pots boiling water.

Rape is not well-intentioned or accidental. If forgiveness means forcing the brain to accept it as an honest mistake, which it means to me, then that's just going to cause further problems. What would I then believe about "normal" people? The real scar here is inability to distinguish between "normal" people and "rapists", and the resulting issues of distrust and so on.

But I don't know.

[in_media_res]

The trick is to stop reacting to a situation that is no longer happening.

Yes. That's my understanding, and my goal.

To me, forgiveness might do that but it also acknowledges that there was no bad intent.

Not so much.

Forgiveness, at least to me, is about a process for letting go of things that happened to me, and of things I've done to others and myself. It's something you do for your own sake, not for another's. And it does not condone what happened, or say that "it's ok." Maybe think of it as a process for acknowledging what happened, learning to let go, and to stop letting things that happened in the past define who you are.

I'm not sure I'm able to explain - I don't have the knowledge or the experience. But I've spent a lot of time working on it over the last few years, and I think it's helping. I've been looking for a video or something to share by Jack Kornfield. He's a psychologist and a former Buddhist monk. I've found his teachings helpful - this one is rather long, almost an hour, but I thought it was instructive. http://youtu.be/yiRP-Q4mMtk There are some sections that may not be directly helpful - he spends some time talking about forgiveness on a cultural level, but for the most part it's about individuals. Hope it's helpful.

[Aerin McG]

I actually agree with both of you. I believe that I do have to forgive others, and let it go, and in turn forgive myself for the self-imposed abuse. Forgiveness is something I was never taught (vindictive behavior was taught in my family), so it's a thing I'll have to learn on my own. The fact that revenge comes very easily to me, while forgiveness doesn't, is a big problem that I'm finally willing to work on.

@in_media_res, thank you for calling me strong. There are days when I feel that's true, and days when I just feel like a victim again. I think that can be said for a lot of people.