Empathy

[BecomingKind]

I think the reason it is difficult for me to predict how others react is that I've numbed myself from experiencing feelings, especially hurtful ones. I do feel guilt. I'm not angry, I'm not irritable, I'm not moody. I'm either politely reserving myself, or saying stuff which is not bad-intentioned but I'm afraid might be too awkward. If I can pace with tonality and so on, it can be charming and funny, but I don't really dare to be free that way. Maybe this is the real basis of comedy - disarmingly saying things which are just impossible in daily life?

I'm only really ever honest when writing anonymously on the internet, but then I feel guilty.

If I myself reacted the way I think others would react to my thoughts, I'd be a crippled mess. This way I'm functional, somewhat, but I feel like an undercover alien on a mission to earth.

This pattern goes back to when I was a child. I clearly remember a situation, I might have been four years old (?), which might have been the original trauma, but then it self-multiplies and gets reinforced through the years. Maybe things need to come to a head to really point out the pattern that's repeating itself.

Part of me can't understand why people get sad or angry, but I feel it when I see it. How can it be worth the effort? If I'm really honest, I think it's better to be like me, and I want others to be more like me. Downsides are loneliness and guilt.

Specifically, I think I preempt bad thoughts in advance to "disarm" them, for example; making a joke about how bad the food is, disarms the topic ideally, but sometimes, not.

[heart]

I felt the exact same way a couple months back, I was in this state where I was numb and empty and had little reaction to anything. I was never honest about what I thought and the stuff I said were not from me. I was afraid people would think my real thoughts were too weird and I'd come off stupid and all conversations would end in that weird awkward silence. The loneliness and estrangement was overwhelming.

Mine started form childhood too. I think it's a learned defense mechanism because it lessened once I started distancing myself from people who were judgmental and disproving and abusive on many different levels like my parents and this group of friends. And just connected with all the ones who were accepting and mature and cool they surprised me. Once I was away from all that criticism and the 'you're not good enough, You are the reason we went broke' etc. Being honest sort of healed me, that started in therapy then spread though my network of friends and I try really hard to be honest, everyday now. I don't know if we have the same thing but this quote always helps me:

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." -Marylin Monroe

Thanks for sharing what you said struck a chord with me.

[BecomingKind]

Thanks, heart. You sound healthy.

I am judgmental and disapproving and selfish. Not now, but I'm realising that it's been a theme in my life. I've probably done more harm than good. Though I have done a few good things.

It feels like I have a mountain of karma to work off but the only thing I do well, socially, is sarcasm and irony.

[dare i say it]

I'm judgmental and disapproving and selfish....the only thing I do well is irony.

I can't help but point out the irony of judging yourself for being judgmental. I do this too. My therapist calls it judging the judging. I've also heard it called "double-dipping" a negative emotion. It's similar to being afraid of an anxious reaction, being mad at yourself for having anger issues, being sad about having depression.

With some guidance from my therapist I'm trying very hard to be less judgmental. It's really, really hard. You'd think it would be relatively straightforward, but it's actually quite elusive. Best of luck. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

[in_media_res]

You'd think it would be relatively straightforward, but it's actually quite elusive.

Yeah. It's something I've struggled with in my life, and I've been trying to deal with it in meditation.

It seems like there are a couple if things to try and keep in mind.

The first is that it's normal to judge. So people should try not to be too hard on themselves for judging. And let's face it - there are many things in the world that are deserving of our judgement - lapses in morality, ethics, performance. The list goes on and on. So one of the questions to ask is whether the facts support your judgement - if you're judging yourself, have you in fact actually come up short in some important measure? Appreciating that trying to sort out the answer to that question can be almost impossible for some without some external perspective.

If the answer is affirmative, then perhaps you've got something you can work with - some idea of something you can work on changing, or on seeking forgiveness, or making amends, or whatever is needed.

If not, then you need to work on letting go. I find I have to work really hard at this - I've been trying through different guided exercises to learn better how to just acknowledge these judgements - and other unhelpful thoughts - and then let them go. They keep coming back - as I say, I think it's human nature to judge - but this at least helps break the cycle of constant negative judgements.

Good luck.