Listening to MIHH = Realizing how bad my childhood was

[Avian]

Hi there ...

Ok, so like most people here, I had a horrible childhood filled with unspeakable acts of violence and emotional abuse. All of it kept to myself and compartmentalized as best as I could. I found this podcast and have been listening to episode after episode. I'm helped so much to hear what others have been through but in the last 24 hours it has dawned on me that my own experiences were truly horrific and extreme. I knew it was abusive but compared to what? When one grows up in the kind of environment so many of us here have grown up in - the behaviors seem normal. Especially when the violence and abuse is never acknowledged. Never owned. My parents treat me today as if they have always been good parents. We all pretend nothing happened.

I've had therapy off and on over the years but even then no therapist ever asked me for the details of what was done to me. It's never, ever come up. As I hear the stories on MIHH I realize I have my own equally, and in some cases - worse, tales that I've never shared out loud with anyone. Ever. As I'm allowing myself to sit and remember them, compiling mental lists, I realize I need to get them out, to share them. So I ask you all what you have done if you've been where I am now. Do you find a close person and ask them to sit and listen as you spill it all? That seems fantastically selfish as it wouldn't be easy. Do you write it down? Make an audio recording of your tales? What then?

Thanks for reading and sharing any thoughts you might have. And to Paul, if he reads this, as a huge fan of comedy (yours specifically), thank you for doing what you're doing. <3

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Avian, welcome to the forum. My childhood was uneventful, so I am not a good example and not a good person to give advice, but I can at least relate my personal experience, if it might possibly help. Writing in a private journal is a good start to collect your thoughts together, and the act of writing them down will remove negative power from them, because they draw some of their negative power from your fear to explicitly record them.

Just got back from my first professional therapy session in a long time, so I am still in a state, but this much I can offer at this time. There are people much better equipped than I to help you. Please take care, all the best, please know we all here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[comaseason]

Ok, so like most people here, I had a horrible childhood filled with unspeakable acts of violence and emotional abuse. All of it kept to myself and compartmentalized as best as I could. I found this podcast and have been listening to episode after episode. I'm helped so much to hear what others have been through but in the last 24 hours it has dawned on me that my own experiences were truly horrific and extreme. I knew it was abusive but compared to what? When one grows up in the kind of environment so many of us here have grown up in - the behaviors seem normal. Especially when the violence and abuse is never acknowledged. Never owned. My parents treat me today as if they have always been good parents. We all pretend nothing happened.

I was taught/programmed as a child to ignore my own experiences because they were less than other peoples. As I've gotten older and my life has completely fucking fallen apart, I've begun to learn that my experiences are important. I have suffered through abuse and neglect and I never owned any of it until a couple of years ago when I had a breakdown that put me in the hospital for a while. My parents are very similar to yours. They act as if I had a normal childhood. My father acts this way because he's an oblivious shit and my mom acts this way because she's too emotionally fragile to recognize what we lived through.

I have struggled to accept the abuse and neglect I've experienced. My automatic reaction to thoughts and feelings about my childhood is to discount them. I remembered things wrong, I misunderstood things, I'm too sensitive, etc. It's something I'm actively working on every day now for the idea that I could someday have a better life where I value my own thoughts, feelings and experiences.

My advice to you would be to find a therapist. I think it's great to consider sharing these things with someone close to you, but they're not a professional and you've never really explored these experiences you've had. I would find a therapist that reserves judgment and who is mellow in their expression of the awfulness you have lived through. It's important that the person is compassionate but reserved at the same time, because typically if you've grown up in an abusive environment you're probably pretty sensitive to another person's feelings - excessive "oh my god that's HORRIBLE" will sway how you think and feel, which is why just picking a person close to you may not be the best choice straight out of the gate. Someone more neutral will allow you to explore in a safe way how YOU feel about what you're been through, as opposed to how others feel about what you've been through. When you're more clear about what YOU think and feel, I think that's a good time to share with people close to you.

I would also recommend exploring ACT or mindfulness based therapy, as the core principles are to learn to accept your experiences - not try and *fix* your experiences and behaviors. Be up front with the therapist and say this is what I want to work on. Put yourself in the driver's seat of your healing. This is something that is really hard for me, I am much more comfortable when my therapist picks the topic - you might be the same way and that's why these things have never come up. Tell the person that you want their help to learn and accept your thoughts and feelings on the experiences you've had in your life regarding your childhood. Enlist their help to hold you accountable to talk about the hard things that will help you put everything in it's place so you can value your future experiences and feelings and all that whatnot.

I hope this hasn't just been drivel, and that it helps.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Avalon,

I think therapy would be a great, safe place to start. Your therapist could also tell you about support groups to augment it. We need a support network.
I'm so glad you get something from the show. And since this forum is anonymous, if you want to spill your guts here, it's safe. There's a lot of love and support here. I would NOT do that in place of therapy, but you might find some catharsis in connecting to other people who know how you feel.

And congrats on not minimizing your experience. I've yet to hear someone who makes too big of a deal about something from their childhood. I'm sure they're out there, but I've yet to meet one.

Paul

[Rosie]

Hi Avian

Counselling is probably the best option for you, a professional can help you deal with it so you can move on. It's hard for me not to give you my opinion because I have a brother and sister who have dealt with our bad childhood in different ways and who knows which way is right or wrong.A professional won't judge you and could pinpoint ways for you to deal with it in a way that will work for you. Big hugs from me