YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I know I can't be the only one with this problem, so I thought I'd ask and see how people here handle this.

I just started my first real full-time job a few weeks ago. The job is about 40 minutes away from my house. I had been seeing my counselor once a week, and my psychiatrist every month or every other month. The problem is that this job is 40 minutes from my house and has pretty strict working hours. So I was going to miss 2 hours of work every time I had an appointment. My counselor worked with me to make it so that I only had to miss one hour of work a week, but I still have to tell my supervisor every time I do this. The only reason they're even ok with me missing an hour of work a week is because I talked to HR and had them work out something for me.

My boss is the cutest sweetest lady on the planet. I went to HR about the 2nd or 3rd day of the job, and it took her another 2 weeks to talk to my supervisor. In the interim, my boss has shared many personal things with me, including her past abusive relationships. So by the time HR got around to talking to her, it almost looked silly that I didn't go talk to her myself. I'm under the belief that my mental health is nobody's business, and I only discuss my issues with a select group of people, but now it's awkwardly out there that I have a minimum of one doctor's appointment a week, and I know my boss is curious, though she hasn't pushed me as to why.

Also last week, I had to make a lot of soliciting phone calls for work, an unusual task and won't be a normal part of my job. I have depression and social anxiety, and it was really hard for me to make those calls. I did them, though I tried everything I responsibly could to get out of it. I just didn't want to tell my boss how hard it was for me to do that, but I'd really prefer that someone else do it if at all possible next time something like this comes up.

I'm rambling a bit, but I guess I'm not sure how much to reveal and how much to keep to myself. My immediate boss is, as I've said, really sweet and understanding, and I think she'd be ok with it. Her supervisor, "big boss lady" as I call her is a bit less so, and had to be pushed a bit to be ok with the appointment arrangement I have figured out. What are other people's experience with this? If it has to be out there that something's going on, how much do you share and how much do you save?

I don't know what its like at your company but there are laws to protect us from discrimation at work. I can't give you really good advice on this but I hope it works out for the best, can HR advise you or maybe talk to your boss on your behalf?

Hi Murphy,

I am a Seattleite who lives openly and honestly in regard to mental illness, which means I am open to friends, family, strangers, and co-workers about having bipolar disorder and what it means to live with bipolar disorder to help erase some of the misconceptions people have about mental illness.

In the last three jobs I had, I decided that rather than do the "doctor appointment dance" (as I call it) I would tell my direct supervisor in each job that I have bipolar disorder, as well as the HR department at the companies.

In the first company (a very small one), I was fired. To answer your question, yes, that is illegal, but the final decision I made was that the amount of money and time and effort it would have cost (and stress, let's not forget) to hire a lawyer to sue them, it would have wreaked havoc on the anxiety and depression I was already facing. I walked away.

The second company (a global corporation) was extremely accommodating and wonderfully understanding until a new supervisor came in. She told me she could no longer make accommodations for me and I better look for another job (which is, again, illegal), so I made the necessary complaints and then left.

The final company (a multi-million dollar real estate company) has been great. My boss is amazing, and when I told her about what I have been dealing with she surprised me when she told me she has an anxiety disorder as well!

The trouble is that there is no predictable reaction here, each person will react based on their own understanding (or lack thereof) and experiences. It has helped me to relay information about bipolar disorder in an upbeat, positive way (instead of looking outwardly ashamed while discussing it) because people will generally mirror whatever attitude I have while talking about it. In general, if I am positive, they will react positively.

I came to the conclusion that this was important to me because I genuinely have a difficult time with some tasks, and having to ask permission (and potentially be denied) to see my doctor is something that gives me an excruciating amount of anxiety. I don't like feeling like my health care is at the mercy of any joe schmoe around me, and the fact that this is where my values lie means paying more attention and being more assertive about it in the workplace. If they aren't willing to accommodate for me, what does that say about them? Do I want to work for someone who denies people their basic rights?

At the same time, I am definitely empathetic to anyone who is in a field with very limited jobs, or anyone who has recently gone back to work after being unemployed. Making demands can feel risky, so some people don't feel like they can risk a job.

Whatever you decide to do, I'll leave you with the wise words of my boyfriend: "Where you work is up to you." I hope you find it comforting knowing that you are in charge of what you do and don't do, you are the boss of your own life. Whatever you decide is best for yourself is nobody but your decision, so good luck!

Colonialpunk, it is so awesome that you are so fully actualized and proactive about work and mental illness and therapy. I really admire you!

Wow, Colonialpunk...that sucks that you got fired. Much as I'd hate to sue anyone, hell would hath no fury like my reaction to getting fired for that. And thanks so much for your response. I appreciate it.

I wasn't so much worried about getting fired than just about general awkwardness. My boss is totally understanding and would be completely accommodating if our supervisor would let her. I know she's curious about why I need to go to the doctor so often and what are those pills that I'm taking. It would be nice to be able to say to my boss "Hey, I'm having a rough day today, so sorry if I'm acting weird" rather than forcing myself to put on the happy face.

I think it's great that you're out there with your bipolar to everyone. I wish I could be. I'm not ashamed of it, but I know some people who would treat me differently. I've heard their comments about other people with similar issues, and their opinions on both drugs and counseling as therapy. (So I have no idea what they expect us mentally ill people to do. Just suck it up?) The thought of them talking about me like that just makes me upset. I already worry that people are talking about me when I know that they're not, so the possibility that they actually might be is too much. Also, they're also the kind of people who like to argue things, and probably wouldn't let it go.

Incidentally, I went to pick up my pills yesterday and the lady at the pharmacy counter from about 15 feet away called, "Oh, we don't have any abilify." Yes, lady. Just tell the whole fucking store what I'm on. I'm ok with this being what it is, an illness, but as we all know, other people don't always see it that way, so I don't need everybody knowing. Though I understand the other side of it.

Murphy,

I am what you might call one of those "boss ladies" you have at work. I am in charge of a team of 14 people ranging in age from 18 to 30+. I have been working with them for over a year now and have gotten quite close to them. Mentorship is a part of any leadership and especially with my younger workers I feel the need to be the task master as well as the high school counselor.

If anyone on my team needed someone to talk to I pray they would be comfortable enough to come to me with any issue. Especially any issue that I could help with directly such as scheduling time around doctors appointments. Professionalism is of the utmost importance but so is confidentiality and trust and I want to be that kind of leader for my team.

If you feel that strongly that your boss is genuinely sweet and understanding and *you* feel comfortable talking with her about your work schedule, you don't have to tell more than you feel like, then follow your gut. And you can always remind her that you would like this to be discrete and just between the two of you. You never know, you might find someone that is above and beyond supportive of you.

Hope this finds you well,
Mimi

Thanks, Mimi. This being my first career job and all I just wasn't sure what protocol is in situations like this... Along with the depression, my social anxiety also manifests in an intense fear of awkwardness or violating some kind of social rules of engagement, so I'm probably making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.

Also, apologies if you were offended by my use of "big boss lady." I actually like her very much. The name comes from my interview where I was first gang questioned by a bunch of people, and then met with her separately. Not knowing the power structure around here I told people "And then I talked to who I think must be 'big boss lady' or something."