Limerence/Love Addiction

[hilda_x]

Anyone else have issues with this? I get swept up in extreme levels of limerent fixation on a pretty regular basis. It especially swells up and consumes me when there are big obstacles in the way of the attraction and it can't quite be actualized, which I think is pretty common as a factor in enhancing limerent feelings.

I love the term 'limerence'... Here's the Wikipedia page on it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

I remember feeling like this as early as age 11. I would develop huge, all-consuming crushes back then, too. Just after turning 12, I wrote/mailed a long, weird love letter to a kid in class who I'd been crushing on for maybe a year, but had never admitted my crush to in person. I was incredibly embarrassed after the fact, but I'd still felt compelled to send it. I still get stuck in all-consuming crushes, full of periods of near-constant invasive thoughts and feelings of simultaneous misery and ecstasy. I figured these would go away after I got into a serious relationship, but I still get them from time to time about people besides my partner and I'll spend whole weeks straight not being able to think of anyone else but the limerent-object in question. I think part of my problem is that I enjoy having something to pine for. I don't necessarily need anything to come of it (though I'm under the illusion that I do), as much as I need to WANT something desperately... It makes me think of an astrology book I was reading that discussed how strong romantic/erotic yearning, yearning for God/spirituality, and yearning for art/creation are essentially the same. I can intellectually realize that I could try to channel my yearning into spiritual or artistic realms, but I still can't seem to actively transform it, because, ultimately, I don't want it to change. I want feel limerent over someone; to have my whole existence feel as if it is structured around my desire for that person.

I think a lot of these things are pretty typical (most people get romantically/erotically fixated), but it's hard to evaluate if some of my feelings are extreme and outside healthy and normal levels or not... I do tend to be a pretty obsessive person, so maybe that partly comes with the territory.

[fifthsonata]

It sounds almost reminiscent of some traits of borderline personality disorder. Have you ever researched that before? While it may not relate to you completely, the relationship/idealization side might ring true.

Without knowing you more, it sounds like this may be a coping mechanism or a search for validation through something, somehow. If you have an unrequited focus, it means the coping mechanism for what's troubling you won't end, and thus you won't have to face what is troubling you.

[in_media_res]

If you have an unrequited focus, it means the coping mechanism for what's troubling you won't end, and thus you won't have to face what is troubling you.

That's. Interesting.

[BecomingKind]

Check. I might have had this on a few occasions. Maybe not all-consuming.

it can't quite be actualized, which I think is pretty common as a factor in enhancing limerent feelings.

When I do this I think I'm actually fantasizing about an alternative version of something that happened in the past that might be unresolved.

Similarity in faces, names, and so on might offer a clue.

[Murphy]

I am not exaggerating when I say that you have just blown my mind...

I have had these thoughts and feelings since I was 11. I've lived a good portion of my life in all consuming fantasies, often wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I actually wrote this in the shame & secrets survey as one of the things I'm really ashamed about doing. I had no idea that this was "a thing" that other people did. When there's a term for it, it always makes me feel better, because I know I'm not uniquely crazy and for some reason that helps Wow...I really want to go read up on this now.

But yes, this does happen to me. Frequently Less often now than it used to, but relationship or not (I'm engaged) this still happens from time to time...as recently as a few weeks ago. And I love my fiance 1000% (yes, I meant 1000%). For me it's usually a celebrity or fictional character will inspire it, so luckily I'm not pining after anyone I know, because that would be awkward. They're also not always romantic. Much more often it is, but at lonelier times in my life, it was friendship based.

I sometimes wonder if it's me just never being satisfied, or if I can never be satisfied. As if I always have to find something wrong, and so I create some elaborate fantasy that I can't have so I have something to be disappointed about.

I am so excited/relieved/comforted to hear about this as a thing, seriously. Thanks so much for bringing up this topic and making me feel a tad less crazy today.

[hilda_x]

Thanks for the replies, everyone! I hadn't checked on the forum for a few days, so I was really excited to come back and read all of this.

"It sounds almost reminiscent of some traits of borderline personality disorder. Have you ever researched that before? While it may not relate to you completely, the relationship/idealization side might ring true."

I'm glad you mentioned borderline personality disorder, fifthsonata, because that was definitely worth looking into again. Thanks for that insight! I wouldn't have put it together by myself, as I didn't realize idealization was a component of BPD. I'd briefly read about it before, but hadn't thought about if it fits me or not (I'd mostly analyzed myself for depression symptoms, and come to the conclusion that almost certainly have some ongoing issues with depression). But borderline personality disorder... rings eerily true in some ways and not in others. The internalized parts of it fit me very well and the behavior/externalized parts largely don't. I'm pretty cautious and contained, and tend to be very far from impulsive or likely to take part in risky behaviors, but I have a lot of emotional extremism (emotionally black-and-white states) in my inner life and the issues with negative self-image, a very weak sense of self (fear of being a person and the expectations that come with being a person... wanting to detach from the world), idealization/demonization of people, a history of (secret) physical self-harm, and a terror of rejection, loneliness, and failure. I should really continue to research this... it's interesting and is providing useful things to reflect upon. I can say definitely yes to three of the items on the symptom check list and a sort of yes to another three.


"Without knowing you more, it sounds like this may be a coping mechanism or a search for validation through something, somehow. If you have an unrequited focus, it means the coping mechanism for what's troubling you won't end, and thus you won't have to face what is troubling you."

I think this is dead on! I definitely seem to be looking for validation (and excitement and meaning) via obsessive, idealized romantic fixations. The unrequited focus does provide a way to not have to risk failure and rejection, typically (aka to 'not face what's troubling' me), so that feels very accurate, as well.

Thanks for your thoughts on this! I really appreciate it.

Murphy - Thanks for your reply, too, and I'm so glad it helped you! I also felt really relieved to have a term for my feelings (and others to relate to about it, even if just online), when I first heard about limerence. On tribe.net, there are a bunch of forums of people discussing their experiences with limerence, and that's where I first came across the concept. Thanks for sharing about it - I always get something useful out of hearing from others who have experienced similar feelings!

"Relationship or not (I'm engaged) this still happens from time to time..."

Yes! I get this, even when in a relationship. Even when I'm happy and very much in love, this will creep up on me, still, too!

"I sometimes wonder if it's me just never being satisfied, or if I can never be satisfied. As if I always have to find something wrong, and so I create some elaborate fantasy that I can't have so I have something to be disappointed about."

Oh my god, this echos my thoughts on the matter! I also have a fear of never being able to be satisfied. It's like, maybe I can't be completely happy and satisfied with anything, because something in my head needs to maintain that sense of wanting and reaching and aching for something out of my reach in order to... I don't know... feel alive or feel vital or feel inspired to get up in the morning, or something. Even though that wanting often feels crushing, it also sparks excitement in me. I can't quite emotionally settle for calm, even though I don't like actual turbulence. And that last sentence of yours, about finding something wrong and creating a fantasy so as to not feel disappointed... That's so well-put. I think I sometimes do this, also, because, that way, I can be frustrated and disappointed about not being with some impossible-to-be-with person, rather than working on self-improving and actively doing things with my life that would create a sense of satisfaction. Jeez... in a way, a celebrity is the perfect target for that. Someone that completely out of reach. I think I'd be faring better if I had that, though it sounds super-frustrating, because I tend to have it with acquaintances and - yikes! - lately, friends. It's definitely causing weirdness in some friendships and could in my relationship.

[hilda_x]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4CDGNyO ... 871CA5A5C1

Skip ahead a bit in this video. She made a few pretty useful points, I thought, particularly the one about how the feeling of absolute need for one person (needing them in order to feel complete, etc.) can't truly be about that other person if it's something you feel often about various people... That it's something located within you - a need within you that you need to figure out how to fulfill in some other way. I could identify with this, anyway, even if I don't want to admit that the feelings I'm having right now are maybe not genuinely about my limerent object. (It hurts to admit that... I like the illusion that she and I have such a powerful, important connection that it's incredibly meaningful. But, probably, she's just a particularly ideal target for the same sorts of all-consuming feelings I've had about a number of people throughout my life, and these feelings are really more about me than they are about her. Ouch.)

[hilda_x]

Oh, barf............ I am losing my mind over this.

[hilda_x]

It always seems like it's getting better, and then it plunges down into the depths of crazy and it's a constant struggle to think of anything else even for a few minutes. I don't know what to do to clear my head. Melt down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha. Um... hopefully this is a temporary state.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, hilda_x. I have no good advice to give - my pattern was unrequited romantic longing that turned into depressive isolation. I am married now, and happy, but sometimes I feel a sense of loss because of how lonely my young life was - I missed out on the experience of young love. Medication helped me stop obsessive thoughts, and also talking back to obsessive thoughts and just interrupting obsessive thoughts, because I knew those obsessive thoughts were taking me too close to suicide.

Good luck, all the best, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!