I cannot deal with rejection at all...

[Rosie]

Had a first date and wow there was some chemistry and laughs, he rang me when he got home and all was well.Now it's gone quiet and I simply cannot deal with it, what the hell is wrong with me. Anxiety and depression has hit me like a ton of bricks, bloody hell it really doesn't take a lot at all. The self loathing I feel is tremendous and I think it's my bloody weight that's put him off! I'm better off being with someone I don't have feelings for or find attractive, then I won't feel anything at all. I know I'm completely over reacting which makes me feel so much worse

[manuel_moe_g]

> I'm better off being with someone I don't have feelings for or find attractive, then I won't feel anything at all.

I know this feeling very well. My problem was that the anxiety of possible rejection was so strong, that I would never dare to ask the girl out.

There is something to be said about low anxiety light & fun dating with people that you are not 100% attracted to, as a way of managing anxiety. Only our stupid culture says that such light relationships are worthless - if you have a fun connection with another human being, who can say that doesn't have value.

I am the very worst person to give advice, because my romantic experience is so very slight. I am on the Autism/Aspergers spectrum, so my dating experience was pathetically slight, and I finally found myself attached to my wife by struggling with myself to not screw it up and be self-destructive and run away like was my prior pattern.

Please take care, you realizing you are over-reacting is a wonderfully healthy sign, and you will only have to display one-tenth of the charm and warmth you display on this message board to get what you desire out of life!

[fifthsonata]

So you had your date, he called you after the date, and he hasn't called you since? I'm a little confused by what you wrote.


Regardless, step outside of yourself and take a deep breath! It's easy to point to ourselves and find fault within us to blame for something that doesn't go the way we planned. But, really - if he hasn't contacted you since, give him a call. Let him return the call (or not). Give him some time - maybe something came up. IF he doesn't return the call, really, what have you lost? Nothing. What have you gained? Well, you had a good night with someone and a nice chat on the phone.

I know, easier said than done. Take some time and get out of your head for awhile. Maybe a walk, watch a great movie - something that makes you laugh. Youtube is now offering free movies through cracked.com.

[Rosie]

I'm so god damned lonely and I've coped with it most of my life, I've coped with being rejected by my parents, I've coped with being homeless at 17, I've coped with finding out I'm infertile but bloody hell I didn't envision this shitty little existence for myself when I was a little girl. I know I'm feeling pathetically sorry for myself and I don't really understand why I've put everything into this one bloody date. I guess I saw a glimspe of a different kind of future but he obviously saw through to my desperation or neediness whatever is so unattractive apart from my cuddly appearance!

Manuel - Thank you for your kind works Manuel you always come through for me .

Fifthsonata, I 'm not usually this pathetic or perhaps I am who knows, thanks for your reply I know I need to pull myself together and realise this shouldn't have created such an irrational reaction.

[fifthsonata]

You don't have to apologize or feel bad for your reactions - I do it, too. You get so wrapped up in a potential friend or mate and then when it doesn't work out it's a crushing blow to the psyche. I did it recently as well - but it is my self-imposed isolation that makes me respond in such a manner.

We are our own worst enemies....but at least you have the ability to see when this is a harmful reaction, not everyone has that ability.

[heart]

I didn't envision this shitty little existence for myself when I was a little girl

I think that little girl didn't realize how strong or compassionate she will grow up to be. Hell I'm seventeen with a family and I'm barely getting through some days. I cannot imagine what that must be like all I know is sounds like you've done a good job growing up from where I stand.

And maybe he's the insecure one. Sometimes people let the other person dangle to feel more in control, not like their putting it all out there so they don't get as hurt or loose their pride. So you're brave for putting yourself out there after past rejection. I'm afraid to a lot. I dated a guy I didn't like that much for 9 months while being just friends with the guy I was in love with (call him M). This is stupid but I'd suddenly cancel on M sometime, well first because of my anxiety disorder but also because it felt good to get this sense of empowerment (even though its false empowerment).

Anyway, its hard not to torture yourself but I can't imagine someone who won't be touched by your kindness and strength.

[Rosie]

Heart - you are literally a sweetheart I've been good to myself today and went swimming after work and bought some good food (raspberries instead of cake! ), so I'm trying to pick myself up. I've been thinking about going though CBT to change the way I think of myself because this self-loathing thing is getting old. It's like they always say you've got to love yourself before anyone else can love you.

I think you're already strong and compassionate and those qualities will only get stronger as you get older, thank you for your lovely words

[Rosie]

You're right fifthsonata we are our own worst enemies and perhaps if we weren't, then this crap wouldn't happen. Let's try to be kind to ourselves for a change

[BecomingKind]

There might also be confusion on his part about what is going on, or what exactly was said.

Things to think about when talking to romantic interests; be careful about not making him feel responsible for your feelings. "You made me feel/think ... " for example, but there are many more contrived and subtle versions. Too many "I feel ..." is too heavy. It isn't a catastrophy, but you shouldn't think like this at this early stage. He hasn't promised you anything yet, so you can't accuse him.

There is no risk in making a phone call. However, it's not so you can get "closure" or "reveal your feelings" but you have a real purpose or something to say that is fun.

Calm down. Think of fun things. Get in a good mood. Then call.

But I really have no idea of what I'm talking about.

[Rosie]

Hi BecomingKind, they were some good suggestions, I'm feeling much more reasonable about the whole thing now and booked myself some CBT sessions so I don't have such a poor self-image, thanks Rosie