YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I had a session today and I am not sure if I am with a right person. I am having a hard time understanding if she is understanding me and if I can trust her to guide me. I have issues relating to women and received emotional abuse from my mother and father as well. I feel vulnerable talking about any shame with my current therapist and am wondering if she does not have enough experience to help me move forward. I feel like she is asking me the same questions in a way that she is expecting me to do all the driving, and I feel like I need someone who can sense what is lacking, and drive me until I can get balanced. It feels like I might get more out of a theraputic setting with a male. I had an alcoholic neglective father figure and would like to get over my issues with women so that I can have relationships and lose my virginity at the age of 27. I am frustrated and feel overwhelmed that my previous attempts at therapy resulted with nill effects Everything I have gotten out of the recovery process has been sought out from 12 step meetings. Any advice is welcome.

hey hidalgo,

so sorry that you're feeling frustrated with your current therapy relationship. how long have you been seeing this therapist? did you just start with her? if so, i'd say give it a few sessions to see if it gets any more comfortable.

if you've been seeing her for a while, i would say trust your gut, and see if you do in fact feel more comfortable and have more success with a male therapist. there are so many approaches to therapy, and it sounds like you are yearning for someone to really take control and lead you through some of the things you're facing rather than you being in the "driver's seat" and being gently guided to a conclusion.

there is no shame in identifying that this might not be the therapist for you. i know it is overwhelming and frustrating, but you deserve someone who works in the best way for you.

stay strong,

Jennifer

First, I think you should be open and honest with your therapist about how you are feeling about the sessions. I know this can be difficult, but in my experience therapists are usually very appreciative and relieved when you open up about a concern or frustrations you have with them or the sessions. Oftentimes this helps the therapist know how to best help you, which is what they want to do. If she seems agitated or upset when you tell her, RUN! A good therapist will be welcoming and very appreciative of all honest feedback.

Try that, and if you still aren't feeling right after the next couple of sessions, try someone else.

And you may be right about the male-female thing. Sometimes it's good to have a therapist who is of the sex you have issues with, sometimes it's not. I have a great relationship with my mother, but a very difficult with my father. As a result, I am usually more mistrusting and aggressive towards men and more comfortable with women. Despite this, the best therapist I've ever had was a gay man.

So you never know. You just have to search until you find the right fit.

Good luck!

I've been to four therapists in my life and only the first was a decent one, and even then I mostly felt it was a waste of time. They seem to all use cognitive behavior therapy (which I suspect may have to do with insurance and measurable progress) and I felt like you said about being in the drivers seat. They would ask me how I would resolve that and remind me that while they were there for advice (their insights very common sense for someone who spent so much time studying the mind) that it was me that had to make therapy work, I even had one therapist ask what I wanted from her. I agree that I'm the one responsible for change but even them saying that made me feel as though they couldn't be bothered, which I guess is really all I wanted from it, to be heard and just sympathized with since I had no one else who cared.

I think what a lot of us need is someone who listens and cares, you can't buy compassion, it always bothered me that I was just another case file to these people, as evidenced by my having to leave my hour session early so they could read up on their next pt. theres also too many rules/ legal nuances that keep them from being completly honest with you as a friend would be. now i don't want to imply that therapists are doing anything but their job but the whole idea of therapy as a profession seems really flawed to me.

I'm working on the ability to express my true opinions, and I think for the most part therapy is complete bullshit. Whew...I said it. Yeah, I realize it may help some people. And I have even been in therapy for over 10 years, with several therapists, and I did like one or two. But honestly, I feel like it's an outdated system. I appreciate that we are coming up with new ways to help ourselves heal (yoga, pet therapy, energy healing, gratitude journals etc)...but I think we should continue to think of innovative and creative ways of therapy.