Do you mourn?
Posted: November 4th, 2012, 4:30 am
I was sexually abused by my father. Its no secret to most people who know me. I was very young when he started it. I was around the age of two years old. He died when i was 18 and the abuse had stopped by the time i was 15. When he died i was quite relieved and never really mourned as i knew he could never hurt me again. The house was quiet again my parents could no longer fight like they did. It was genuinely nice to have him gone.
Fast forward to a few years after his death, i started having flashbacks of all the abuse i blocked out. It started in my dreams at night, and they would be so real when i woke up i could still feel him on me. I could still smell him. it was like he wasnt gone at all. I hated him, I didnt know i could have such ferocious hate. If that man wasnt dead then id probably had killed him. Once i figured out how to by pass nightmares, through lack of sleep and training myself to wake up, before i could go into too deep of sleep, I started to get flashbacks during the day. No time was safe anymore and yet again i felt the hate for him just build more.
Fast forward to working through all that and deep feelings. I did all of this on my own, I had no job no money and no resorces to even try to find help. Once i moved past all that, I could look back on the man himself. Not the abuser not the monster. I could even have some compassion for him. Like what made him tick, was he abused too? Was he a little child and abused? its no excuse but it would help to understand what made him that way if he was. I could even feel love and loss for him. I mourned him. But since its no secret to friends that i have been abused, They look at me with two heads or tell me how idiotic i am for mourning this abuser. I felt the same way years ago, i hated the man what he did was sooo wrong so sick, what he took away from me can never be replaced. But I mourn what was good with him. That man provided for my mother for my family, he worked long long hours in a saw mill for over 20 years. He provided clothes a stable home meaning we didnt move thousands of times. Food was always there i didnt have to worry about starving to death. he was a funny man and a great great story teller you never knew if he was bullshitting you or if it was true because it was always no matter how outlandish it was it was always told in a way it was believable. I know i get my story telling and great sense of humor from him. he took me fishing he did lots of things. my abuse was just a small part of my life. Royally fucked me up yes, but i can see the good things in him now.
Am i stupid for mourning this man, for wondering if he will burn in hell the rest of eternity or if theres a chance he could redeem himself on the other side. at first I was very happy to think that satan was shoving pineapples up his rear end but now i feel like the man should be able to have a heaven thats not so torturous. I served my hell for 15 years of abuse and i served it for a few years or so after he died, but now i dont think he should rot in hell.
I just want to know if anyone has mourned thier abuser.
Fast forward to a few years after his death, i started having flashbacks of all the abuse i blocked out. It started in my dreams at night, and they would be so real when i woke up i could still feel him on me. I could still smell him. it was like he wasnt gone at all. I hated him, I didnt know i could have such ferocious hate. If that man wasnt dead then id probably had killed him. Once i figured out how to by pass nightmares, through lack of sleep and training myself to wake up, before i could go into too deep of sleep, I started to get flashbacks during the day. No time was safe anymore and yet again i felt the hate for him just build more.
Fast forward to working through all that and deep feelings. I did all of this on my own, I had no job no money and no resorces to even try to find help. Once i moved past all that, I could look back on the man himself. Not the abuser not the monster. I could even have some compassion for him. Like what made him tick, was he abused too? Was he a little child and abused? its no excuse but it would help to understand what made him that way if he was. I could even feel love and loss for him. I mourned him. But since its no secret to friends that i have been abused, They look at me with two heads or tell me how idiotic i am for mourning this abuser. I felt the same way years ago, i hated the man what he did was sooo wrong so sick, what he took away from me can never be replaced. But I mourn what was good with him. That man provided for my mother for my family, he worked long long hours in a saw mill for over 20 years. He provided clothes a stable home meaning we didnt move thousands of times. Food was always there i didnt have to worry about starving to death. he was a funny man and a great great story teller you never knew if he was bullshitting you or if it was true because it was always no matter how outlandish it was it was always told in a way it was believable. I know i get my story telling and great sense of humor from him. he took me fishing he did lots of things. my abuse was just a small part of my life. Royally fucked me up yes, but i can see the good things in him now.
Am i stupid for mourning this man, for wondering if he will burn in hell the rest of eternity or if theres a chance he could redeem himself on the other side. at first I was very happy to think that satan was shoving pineapples up his rear end but now i feel like the man should be able to have a heaven thats not so torturous. I served my hell for 15 years of abuse and i served it for a few years or so after he died, but now i dont think he should rot in hell.
I just want to know if anyone has mourned thier abuser.
