I crave sympathy more than love

[shintrick]

Or at least it feels that way. Ever since I was a little kid I have wanted people to feel sorry for me. I was sexually abused as a child and did not tell anybody until I was an adult. When I did finally tell my Mom, although I know she loves me very much and feels horrible that it happened, I didn't get the response that I wanted. I think I wanted her to take me in her arms and rock me back and forth and tell me that she's sorry I had to experience that and she would do anything to take my pain away. Although I didn't explicitly expect these things from her, I think that deep down I wanted the sympathy, compassion and love from her that my 6 year-old self would have wanted if he had been able to speak up about it.

Anyway, I think this has imprinted on me some kind of "victim-complex" or deep desire for sympathy. I will often have outlandish fantasies that end in people feeling sorry for me and showering me with affection (or is it pity?). The scary thing for me now is that in my relationships, current and former, I've noticed that sympathy or being a victim (the wronged party, a martyr) is a stronger emotional drive than love. I don't give a fuck if you love me, just give me sympathy godammit. I'm scared that this has greatly hampered my ability to fully love someone else. I've been in two serious relationships in a row, the most serious of my life, and I actually don't know if I love(d) either of them. I almost feel too narcissistic to love someone else (the refrain in my head is "what about me, what about me, what about me....?).

I have been to therapy on and off for years and feel fairly self-aware of my issues, but this vexes me. Anyone else out there with a deep-rooted desire for sympathy? Is it stronger than your other emotions? Does not getting it give you anxiety?

Any shared experiences, insights, or relevant books would be much appreciated.

Cheers - C.

[Elaine]

C. I can somewhat relate and to me it makes sense given your abuse. For me I just want you to care about me. I crave that, I go to support groups, but I need a guy to just "care", to pay attention to me emotionally. Maybe that's like craving sympathy, I just want a guy to listen to me and all my programs and care and say how rough I had it. My dad was mentally ill, my mom detached and my older brother was abusive. I know it's about me trying to heal those wounds. I spent years having affairs, in both my marriages to try to fix the wounds till I found somewhat recovery. But even now when I don't think anyone cares I will medicate myself with food or alchohol, no longer men....but still not healthy. When you said you wanted your mom to just cradle you and love you, I used to want that, like emotionally I would love that, but I cringe now when people get too close physically, even my own kids, I have a hard time with much more than a hug here and there now they are almost adults. I am sorry for your pain. It is good you reach out and this site, Paul Gilmartin, keeps me sane. Every week I keep listeing, more to him then his guests, cause he gets this stuff, he gets it. Peace to you C.

[ghughes1980]

Woah! Another topic that I relate to. I noticed pretty much a year after doctors "cured" my ventricle blockage (See the Body Image section for my story), that I wasn't getting the same reaction from family or friends anymore. I really wanted that same reaction back (sympathy, pity, etc) after my mental health deteriorated there was some "concern" but not the same type as before and it was oddly maddening. "I'm still broken over here pay attention please!" To the point where I have considered self harm. Which is more destructive to my well being than being disabled physically ever has been. Which causes anxiety, which causes bad thought patterns, and harmful obsessive behavior, which causes social isolation and so on.

[SW3NGY]

I too now believe that I am always looking for sympathy. From my wife and family to friends and co workers. I don't tell friends or coworkers how I feel. But I do tell them the problems I have in life. Hoping they can fix it or give me a break. Take the bad luck apon themselves so I don't have to deal with it. I do on the other hand tell my wife and parents especially in times of severe depression and anxiety how I want to die. How I should just end it now so no one has to feel for me. I tell them I should shoot myself or stab myself. Or how I want to kill those that cause me anger and anxiety. Slice throats or shoot them. Burn their houses down. They don't really say anything back. I think they're scared I would do it. I have been a hyper active child/teenager/ young adult and I always thought or did crazy things. Especially when I am angry or have anxiety. I put a death wish on myself. I am trying new meds and psychologist. But so far after 2 months I still feel the need to express my hatred to my family and wishes to die. I still show through actions and speaking to friends how shitty I have it. I used to be on a good path to success. Worked my ass off. Skipped the school life and lots of fun moments I could have been part of in friends lives to work. Now I am potentially going to lose all my success. And I look for sympathy. I have only been married 10 months. My wife and I don't have sex. I think her upbringing was very hard on her and she doesn't want to hear or deal with my shit. She wants love and sympathy herself. I fail in all relationships and all the close friends I've had my entire school life and after I am giving up being in touch in the last 10 months because of my failures so I can hide in my house and lay in bed and hope the world will end. While I'm in a peacefull sleep so I don't feel this pain. I am 32 and life is taking too long.