YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I've realized that I'm almost constantly worried about what other people are doing. Maybe it's a social anxiety thing. But I just feel like everyone I know is either a) lying to me, or b) judging me.

For instance, I'm getting laid off at the end of the month, and my boss told me during his speech about why he's letting go of me that it "has nothing to do with your job performance." But I don't believe him for a second. I think that he hates me, thinks I'm stupid and lazy and incompetent, and is giving me bad references whenever any potential employers call. I can't explain any reason for this, I just have a feeling about it.

Right now, my biggest concern is that I'm actually really stupid and no one told me. I got decent grades in school and did the AP/honors thing, and wound up graduating cum laude from college (with an English degree though, not exactly the hardest major), but I feel like a total idiot most of the time. I came up with this theory when I was a kid that what my school called the "honors" classes were actually for the dumb kids, but called "honors" to make them feel better, and I never really shook it off. Every time I mention that maybe I'm not really all that brainy, everyone has the kneejerk reaction to start saying, "NOOO YOU'RE SUPERSMART LOOK AT THIS AND THAT AND THIS THAT YOU DID" and it makes me feel like they're just trying to cover up the lie.

The feeling of being judged was mostly a thing in college, but still happens now. I used to hate going to parties because I was always the fattest girl there and I felt like everyone was wondering "what's the fat girl doing here?" whenever I was in the room. Now, whenever I'm in a group of people, I always worry that they're wondering why I'm there and thinking how much better off they'd be if I was gone.

So tell me... am I totally crazy or just partially?

Hello ididthatonce!

It sounds like you are not only depriving yourself of the benefit of the doubt, you are also setting yourself up for "impossible to win" internal judgement situations.

It is called "honors" because you honored the class with your presence. And the party had people who imagined you were confident, poised, and aloof when they themselves were needy.

There is a very very tiny chance you are completely fraudulent and unworthy to exist - it is so unlikely that it is unscientific to use that thesis as a starting point. Your brain is on depression - it is setting yourself up to fail in ALL your internal judgement situations. You need an intervention, probably a small intervention, to get a more realistic judgement process that will serve you better.

I like cognitive therapy. I have been on anti-depressant medications for 15 years, and have had some professional mental counseling for cognitive therapy, and have daily worked on myself to have more effective patterns of thought, to replace the ineffective patterns of thought that were haphazardly formed prior to me seeking help.

I am not fit to speak from anything outside of my own autobiography. I hope it helps you, because you are a worthy person, you do not deserve any of the suffering you experienced, and you will probably flourish with a minimal intervention.

We here are all cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow! All the best! So happy that you are contributing your writing to this forum!