Apathy
Posted: December 27th, 2012, 5:35 pm
I'm not sure where to begin... Because the problem is it's rare I feel anything. I'm not angry at the world. I'm not depressed for no apparent reason; hell I'm not depressed when there are apparent reasons. I don't feel guilty. I'm not happy either. I litterally feel as if I'm just going through the motions, like a bot on auto pilot. I don't know if this is a new adult thing or something... Goodness knows my hormones used to rule my decision making processes more often than any other factor. Ocassionally I feel lust but it seems to just be a biological reaction because as soon as it's over: meh time to go on about my life. There are a few people within my life that I feel strongly about and I consistantly feel a need to protect people or help them through their situations. I guess "Righteous Anger" might be the only emotion I consistantly feel however even that feels somewhat mechanical.
I've been in several long term relationships and at first I feel quite a bit and it is very exciting like everything new. But just like an adrenaline rush it fades and then I'm back to robot mode through the relationship. There are precious few relationships from family to friends to coworkers that do not feel like duty and responsibility to get through. I'm thinking it's time I sit down with someone and have a talk... If I wasn't myself and heard someone saying this I think that's what I would recommend. I need someone from the outside to tell me what this is because sitting in the middle of the woods you can't do it.
One time I tried to tell someone about this and the reaction was poor. "So you're like what, a sociopath?" *rolling my eyes* No I get right from wrong and can empathize (why do people jump to such hasty conclusions?). Even movies and books that used to illicit an emotional response get nothing now (although I feel more from books than real life to this day). I get out of bed, go to work, take care of the dog, maybe talk to a friend or two, watch my movies, read my books and meh through it all. I can fake the emotion... I know what should illicit a response and in groups or around others I do it just fine. I just don't actually feel it. It's just the appropriat emotions to display to get through the moment. And I don't know what it all means...
I've been in several long term relationships and at first I feel quite a bit and it is very exciting like everything new. But just like an adrenaline rush it fades and then I'm back to robot mode through the relationship. There are precious few relationships from family to friends to coworkers that do not feel like duty and responsibility to get through. I'm thinking it's time I sit down with someone and have a talk... If I wasn't myself and heard someone saying this I think that's what I would recommend. I need someone from the outside to tell me what this is because sitting in the middle of the woods you can't do it.
One time I tried to tell someone about this and the reaction was poor. "So you're like what, a sociopath?" *rolling my eyes* No I get right from wrong and can empathize (why do people jump to such hasty conclusions?). Even movies and books that used to illicit an emotional response get nothing now (although I feel more from books than real life to this day). I get out of bed, go to work, take care of the dog, maybe talk to a friend or two, watch my movies, read my books and meh through it all. I can fake the emotion... I know what should illicit a response and in groups or around others I do it just fine. I just don't actually feel it. It's just the appropriat emotions to display to get through the moment. And I don't know what it all means...
