Coming clean or laying low on the illness

[SmartCookie]

A couple of years ago, I showed a lot of promise. I know a lot of smart and accomplished people. Many of them really thought I was going to go places, do some amazing things. Up until that point, some of the things I did were pretty cool.

Now, I've been seriously depressed for two years. I haven't achieved anywhere near the goals I had set out. A lot of these accomplished, well-meaning people ask me now, how I am doing. I don't tell them the extent of my troubles. So they share with me the "thing that worked for them" when they were overcoming their version of this challenge (it's a graduate-level final project, so many people share the experience).

The diagnosis of depression is, admittedly, not formal — it's me putting a name to some patterns of behaviours that I've observed that hold me back. Nevertheless, I find myself frustrated that I don't just tell people that I have been depressed, that I have been a very long time, even back when I was doing those seemingly-amazing things, and now the illness has evolved to a point where it is actively stopping me, and I don't want to feel defensive about telling people that I am going a little slower in order to make sure I take care of myself, to heal and learn from all that was done. Yet I never do and the story I wish I were telling — the one where I am in the middle of recovery and it looks a lot like a whole lot of nothing — only gets told to the people who are closest to me.

I'm open to the idea that this is just habit — that I'm used to being able to tell the truth and not be obfuscating out of a need to protect myself and that I derive a lot of my self-worth from the views about my integrity which involve being straight with people on stuff. I have also mentioned my troubles to the people in my life who seemed to be potentially understanding on this front — yet I would get crickets back when I told them (admittedly, it was through stuff like private messages on FB so I try to really be skeptical of any conclusions I'm tempted to make about people based on their behaviours online since they miss almost all the context that matters).

I guess I'm just tired of hiding and I wish I didn't have to anymore, but I know most of it is necessary because, I guess, I understand that it takes energy and time to listen to that stuff, and in the context of the people who are asking me, they're really not in the position to give it. Maybe this is what it's like to grow up and realize that the truth can be a luxury, not the default setting, because time and focused attention are finite resources, and more precious for being such.

[Cheldoll]

Here's something Michele posted on the FB fan page, I don't know if you saw it:


But I think it sums things up pretty well. People say "hey, how are you?" And you want to say something like "oh, I'm fine" or "I've had this cold for the past week, it sucks." Nobody wants to say "I'm a complete mess. The mere act of living is so difficult for me to even grasp lately that I find myself desperately wanting whatever it is everyone else seems to have the lets them enjoy their lives so effortlessly." Nobody wants to burst into tears and beg the other person to save you from the nagging, obsessive thoughts that plague your brain.

It's very mature of you to understand why you get crickets when you actually explain your story to people. Nobody knows what to say. And, honestly, if there were any words that could fix what we're feeling, I'd say them right now for you a thousand times. You definitely are a smart cookie. Mental illness is very stigmatized and too few people understand it. I come from a very devout Catholic family, and even if they weren't always telling me to just pray more, I would still have this deep-seeded feeling that this depression/anxiety/anorexia is penance -- I deserve the burden I bear. Yeah, I know it's ridiculous. But this shit's buried so deep inside of me that nobody, not even me, can uproot it without making desolate the soil from which it sprang.

Great, now I'm talking about myself. Fuck. Anyway, I'm all for coming clean. Most people won't understand, but there are still people that will. You're not alone, honey. Sending you a big hug.