Coming clean or laying low on the illness
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 2:30 pm
A couple of years ago, I showed a lot of promise. I know a lot of smart and accomplished people. Many of them really thought I was going to go places, do some amazing things. Up until that point, some of the things I did were pretty cool.
Now, I've been seriously depressed for two years. I haven't achieved anywhere near the goals I had set out. A lot of these accomplished, well-meaning people ask me now, how I am doing. I don't tell them the extent of my troubles. So they share with me the "thing that worked for them" when they were overcoming their version of this challenge (it's a graduate-level final project, so many people share the experience).
The diagnosis of depression is, admittedly, not formal — it's me putting a name to some patterns of behaviours that I've observed that hold me back. Nevertheless, I find myself frustrated that I don't just tell people that I have been depressed, that I have been a very long time, even back when I was doing those seemingly-amazing things, and now the illness has evolved to a point where it is actively stopping me, and I don't want to feel defensive about telling people that I am going a little slower in order to make sure I take care of myself, to heal and learn from all that was done. Yet I never do and the story I wish I were telling — the one where I am in the middle of recovery and it looks a lot like a whole lot of nothing — only gets told to the people who are closest to me.
I'm open to the idea that this is just habit — that I'm used to being able to tell the truth and not be obfuscating out of a need to protect myself and that I derive a lot of my self-worth from the views about my integrity which involve being straight with people on stuff. I have also mentioned my troubles to the people in my life who seemed to be potentially understanding on this front — yet I would get crickets back when I told them (admittedly, it was through stuff like private messages on FB so I try to really be skeptical of any conclusions I'm tempted to make about people based on their behaviours online since they miss almost all the context that matters).
I guess I'm just tired of hiding and I wish I didn't have to anymore, but I know most of it is necessary because, I guess, I understand that it takes energy and time to listen to that stuff, and in the context of the people who are asking me, they're really not in the position to give it. Maybe this is what it's like to grow up and realize that the truth can be a luxury, not the default setting, because time and focused attention are finite resources, and more precious for being such.
Now, I've been seriously depressed for two years. I haven't achieved anywhere near the goals I had set out. A lot of these accomplished, well-meaning people ask me now, how I am doing. I don't tell them the extent of my troubles. So they share with me the "thing that worked for them" when they were overcoming their version of this challenge (it's a graduate-level final project, so many people share the experience).
The diagnosis of depression is, admittedly, not formal — it's me putting a name to some patterns of behaviours that I've observed that hold me back. Nevertheless, I find myself frustrated that I don't just tell people that I have been depressed, that I have been a very long time, even back when I was doing those seemingly-amazing things, and now the illness has evolved to a point where it is actively stopping me, and I don't want to feel defensive about telling people that I am going a little slower in order to make sure I take care of myself, to heal and learn from all that was done. Yet I never do and the story I wish I were telling — the one where I am in the middle of recovery and it looks a lot like a whole lot of nothing — only gets told to the people who are closest to me.
I'm open to the idea that this is just habit — that I'm used to being able to tell the truth and not be obfuscating out of a need to protect myself and that I derive a lot of my self-worth from the views about my integrity which involve being straight with people on stuff. I have also mentioned my troubles to the people in my life who seemed to be potentially understanding on this front — yet I would get crickets back when I told them (admittedly, it was through stuff like private messages on FB so I try to really be skeptical of any conclusions I'm tempted to make about people based on their behaviours online since they miss almost all the context that matters).
I guess I'm just tired of hiding and I wish I didn't have to anymore, but I know most of it is necessary because, I guess, I understand that it takes energy and time to listen to that stuff, and in the context of the people who are asking me, they're really not in the position to give it. Maybe this is what it's like to grow up and realize that the truth can be a luxury, not the default setting, because time and focused attention are finite resources, and more precious for being such.
