YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi,
Father's Day is coming and I am just wondering how other people with abusive father's deal with this day, to send a card, make a call or just blow the whole crappy day off?

Absolutely.

Struggling with the reminder that I'm not a father and may never be at this point, and the fact that my relationship with my father has deteriorated to the point that I haven't spoken to him in more than a year. A friend of mine who is estranged from his adult children after a divorce and who suffered abuse at the hands of his own father when he was a kid told me the other day that I need to reach out to my Dad before it's too late and he's no longer here. The problem is, I don't know how to accept the person that he has become and how to understand or forgive things that he has done. I'm really hurt that I don' t have a relationship with my father, but I really don't think I want to have a relationship with the person that he is right now.

I sent cards for a while, but I'm not planning on doing it this year. I didn't send him a Christmas or Birthday card this year, and he didn't either (he hadn't sent one to my wife in 2-3 years at least). It was a weird experience shopping for Father's Day cards the past few years, because there aren't any that say "You're an asshole and I'm only buying this out of a weird sense of obligation." In all seriously, it was hard to find one that I could even bring myself to send with a straight face, since most of them have positive statements that I couldn't in good conscience send (unless I convinced myself that they were intended to be read in a sarcastic voice).

Thank you for the hug, always nice...

And yeah, it would be great to have a card that says what we are thinking. We were actually talking about that "you're an asshole, happy father's day" card in my support group. It would help take the whole I have to send one of those cards meant for a person that really was a great father.

I had some crazy final conversation with my dad last Monday,same old shit, he didn't hear me when I told him why we have such a crap relationship. Not surprising...what what surprising is that I did calmly tell him that he was abusive and his rages broke my heart. It wasn't heard but it felt good to say it. I guess that was my own version of a verbal father's day card.

I won't be sending a card or making a call. It makes me feel like a victim when I do those things, like it was ok to treat me badly. No more of that. We weren't responsible for the abuse. The regret is on them. They should have done better....

I struggle with this, too. There's always a pull between the whole fuck you for how you were vs. i want to rebuild our relationship if possible and forgiveness might be worth it. I think it's normal and OK to feel both ways, but I do sometimes wonder if me allowing myself to feel both ways might come off as confusing to him. I can't seem to commit to a plan of action without feeling like I'm being taken advantage of or (if I don't forgive him) I'm being on his level by not being the "bigger man".

I think the key is to just own however you want to deal with it. Obligation, "normal", these are words you should just let pass through your head. In the moment, how do you feel? Trust your gut, don't try and question it, just give yourself permission to feel/act how you want (as long as you aren't hurting anyone.) I find this can be troublesome in the short-term, but long term you end up trusting YOURSELF and loving YOURSELF, which allows you to do the same for other people.

My three cents

Thank you for you "three cents", it is worth a ton more than that because I realize that I am not alone in this and other people totally get it.

Happy Fathers Day to you and to all who are working to give themselves the good parenting their scared/lonely inner child needs. May you have the strength and wisdom to be kind and nurturing to that good person inside you.